♡ shellz

@shellz

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I'm not meant to play this part

Struggling with feeling like an imposter.

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i thought i was over my body issues. i thought i didn't care about numbers. i thought i didn't care about others opinions. but it's easy to do when you've shut yourself away from the world. i didn't want to hide anymore. i wanted to shout from the rooftops "hey look! we're finally taking the next step! im so fucking happy!" but my brain has had other plans. i sit at my computer trying to figure out what it is i want to do and it often leads to tears. a real deep seeded (is it seated? i don't even know) woe that i haven't felt in a long time. it comes from deep within. it hurts.

planning a wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life. how do you begin to talk about when it's not?

Look at me I will never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter. Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart... Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?

its brought up a lot of feelings for me that have been hard to articulate. i just didn't have the words, and i still don't but i feel like i maybe have a little bit to help me explain.

i think the word i'm looking for is IMPOSTER SYNDROME. it's something i have felt for a long time but these last couple of months have exacerbated it.

just moments after i was proposed to, fear flooded my brain. i'm not skinny enough. i'm not pretty enough. my hair isn't groomed properly. my nails aren't manicured to show off a ring (let alone shop for the ring of my dreams). i don't have family or friends to fill out the traditional roles. i don't have enough money to throw an extravagant party.. but did i even want one? what was going to happen if i decided to go to the courthouse and do something lowkey? would i regret it? should i go out of town to make it feel more special? but then it loops back into...i'm not skinny enough or photogenic enough to pay a photographer to take worthy photos of me. i shouldn't even make such a deal about myself. i shouldn't take up space.

it doesn't help that i have seen actual posts from wedding photographers shaming their brides for being "too fat" or "too ugly" to be celebrating such a big moment. it doesn't help that growing up, my family picked on me for being bigger. im not even that big. it's just that you can't escape the constant pressure to be thin. i am a product of the 90s and the 2000s advertising campaigns. i hate that they have been able to steal such an important moment from me. how many others were taken away bc i felt uncomfortable in my own skin?

how do you talk about it without feeling shame? how do you talk about it without people just brushing it off as the usual wedding cold feet?

i dunno, i'm just really struggling right now and i feel alone. i did not realize how alone i truly was.

i just want everything to be perfect.

how do you plan a wedding when you don't feel like you deserve one? growing up female meant that media was constantly shoving the idea of a perfect bride down my throat.

and it's not like the unhappy feelings are coming from a place where you're thinking, "oh, she just must not want to be married". i've been in this relationship for fifteen years. it's something i've wanted for a long time.

My Slice of the American Pie

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Did your caretakers decorate your home for the holidays or seasons growing up?? Do you do the same now? I don't have any children myself, but one of my favorite things about having my own house is being able to decorate for the seasons.

My friends think it's cheesy and a waste of time or money. I think it brings color and fun into my life. It doesn't matter what they say, it doesn't bother me (it's my house, literally 0 guests have been over in 2 years so why do I care what anyone says lol).

I asked one of my friends why they don't decorate for their children besides the big holidays (Christmas or maybe Halloween). Their response was "Did you find decorating your parent's house fun as a child? Cuz I sure as fuck didn't"

I did find it fun. I felt that it was something we didn't get to do much after awhile because a) decorations cost money and we were kind of poor growing up and b)why decorate the outside of your house when you live in the middle of no where and people won't see it?

I felt left out. I would see the decorations in the store. I would see the decorations in a few of my friends houses. I guess it's just some weird symbol of "Americana" to me. Like you have your life together. Like everything is perfect.

This post contains my Valentines & St Patricks entryway tables.

I am thankful to be in a position where my fiance can splurge on things like this to make me happy.

The first few stops

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At the beginning of October, we took a vacation to Utah to see the fall colors.

Our first stop was in St. George at Pioneer Park or the Dixie Sugarloaf. It's a beautiful sandstone park and even has slot canyons.

I think this cute little critter is a ground squirrel. He was eating his brunch while overlooking the city of St. George. It made us happy to see him.

Fun fact: I twisted my ankle here but it wasn't bad.

The most impressive panel is named The Zipper. It is located on the northeast side. Recent studies have put forth the idea that it is a map, a calendar of solar alignments, and a system of outer cairns. The Zipper is thought to be an inverted man with an arrow in his skull.

The Parowan Gap Petroglyphs are a nationally recognized extravaganza of petroglyphs-- a superb gallery of Native American rock art. Here one can witness what is at least a 1,000-year accumulation of artwork pecked into the rock. Geometric designs, images of lizards, snakes, mountain sheep, bear claws, and human figures adorn the smooth canyon walls of the pass.

Next up.. Parowan Gap! To visit them, you have to drive through the narrow, 500-foot deep pass through the Red Hills in the Escalante desert. The gap was created by erosion due to wind and rain. 15 million years ago, a stream ran through but it disappeared creating a waterless wind gap.

We visited this dinosaur track site while in Utah but it was a little underwhelming. I did not understand what I was to be looking at. They try to mark the dinosaur tracks with signs, but they don’t provide any more information. Is it on the rock? The ground? The tracks have been left to the elements so they have become weathered and worn which doesn’t help.

pumpkin spice & everything nice

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i got the pan yesterday at target. the brand is nordicware and it's the skeleton loaf pan.

i made my first pumpkin spice cake of the season tonight. technically my first pumpkin spice cake ever.

i do not know how to decorate a cake and make it look good. i need to get the correct tools and practice (it's on the list, but like everything, it costs $$)

i was pleasantly surprised at how easily the cake slid out of the pan. i used a little bit of butter and flour.

the skeleton design was bold and you could easily use him as an outline with frosting.

i threw together a simple cream cheese frosting and sprinkled pumpkin spice on the top of him.

he doesn't need to look fancy, i started to eat him seconds after frosting.

the frosting to cake ratio needs to be worked on, but other than that.. it was really thick and moist!

who says you need to wait for cooler weather to enjoy autumn activities?? it was 100°F  here today

phantosmia

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DO YOU SMELL THAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON THE LAST FEW DAYS, BUT....

ALL I CAN SMELL IS SMOKE.

HEAVY CIGARETTE SMOKE

this has happened to me before.

but it's still weird

the first time, i lived in an apartment.

i just assumed it was the neighbors.

it happened again last year.

we had moved into a new house.

i asked my boyfriend if he could smell it

HE TOLD ME NO

i made him vape outside.

now we both have stopped vaping but the smell has returned...

my boyfriend still cannot smell it.

the smell is so overwhelming.

it's nauseating

how can i make it stop?

when i'm not even convinced it's real

if its you, hi, i love you, but you stink

my mom used to be a smoker

someone said it could be spirits

vaccines save lives!

words from a needle phobic

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here's how i got through it!:

i purchased this stuff at my local walgreens. i started rubbing it on the entire upper arm a 2-3 hours before my appointment. i applied more in the car on the way there.

are you scared of needles too?

talk to your doctor about getting a prescription for some kind of anti-anxiety medication. this can take a lot of trial and error finding a drug and dosage that works best for you. please do not do this without doctor recommendations. these drugs can be addictive and deadly!

this cute little bee on the side is called a "buzzy". it uses an ice pack and vibrating sensations to numb and distract you during a shot process.

here are some other tips i've learned from being in needle phobia groups the last few weeks:

bring your music player and headphones for a distraction. i personally played my favorite band, waterparks, and their song "numb"

tomorrow i go in for my 2nd covid vaccine!

i never thought i would be excited for a shot.

i've suffered from debilitating needle/doctor/dentist phobia my whole life.

what a difference having a compassionate medical team makes.

i am not 100% positive that this is the spray the nurses used on me because I shut my eyes and refused to look at anything, but they mentioned using "cold spray" on me. it works to numb the area. i did not feel anything. i don't know if it was my roller or their spray, but it was successful!

i communicated with the staff that i had a phobia. they were very understanding. if you are having a hard time, bring someone you trust with you to help support you. my facility was very accomodating and i didn't have to speak to them myself until it was time for my vitals.

the actual injection was over in like 2 seconds. i can honestly say i never felt a thing.

if you have a doctor that you see regularly, try asking for a prescription for some emla cream. this is stronger than the cream you can buy in the store. all of the phobics i saw online swore by it. you need to put it a generous amount on your arm hours before & cover it with plastic wrap to heat activate it.

depending on how much time you have before your appointment, you can look into getting some TKTX shipped to your house. i have not used this, but it looks to include the same stuff as EMLA cream + some other stuff.

if you are prone to fainting, this is called a vasovagal syncope response. i have read that to help your body counter that, you can squeeze and tense the other muscles in your body that are not getting an injection.

please please PLEASE get vaccinated, convince your friends and family to get vaccinated! it truly saves lives! you don't want your entire family to die! it happened to my little brothers friend :( wear your masks, social distance, be smart and responsible! we can get through this, but only if we all work together!

weaving my web

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i created this webpage on december 14th 2017 after my long-time internet pal, lulu, suggested it to me. the internet is very stuffy and uncomfortable these days. all of the webpages are starting to look the same. corporations are in control of what we see, when we see it, and how we feel about it. i don't like it. i'm so happy to have a place that's my very own.

i don't really know how to code a website, i just pick apart the various css files i've saved over the years and mash them together to make something that is visually appealing to me. my aesthetic is often that of a young child. my website looks like a rainbow threw up on it, but thats how i like it

i've been addicted to the internet since the very first time i signed into AOL via a friends dialup modem. i have fond memories of using my neighbors webtv to chat with users around the country. i met my first internet best friend thanks to an aim chatroom for neopets, and we are still in contact today. my external hard drive is full of old graphics i would use to customize my various pages (neopets, livejournal, myspace, etc). this webpage is where i get to show them off and express myself.

one of my favorite sections on my website is the shrine for the old disney show "so weird". i was able to pull old assets using the wayback machine to mimic fiona's iconic website & add a modern supernatural twist. kid me would be so proud.

summer in the desert

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i did it <3

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I FACED MY TRYPANOPHOBIA AND GOT THE VACCINE!

I DID IT!

I HAVE TO GO BACK IN A MONTH

BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM AS SCARY NOW

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you ever just like

run out of creativity?

i'm staring at all of my pages

but i can't think of anything i want to make

C

R

E

A

T

I

V

E

B L O C K

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lisa frank provided the blue print to my childhood. i would spend hours obsessing over all of the new lisa frank stationary i was able to get before the new school year started. every single character she drew inspired me. in conclusion....

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Life is your creation!

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world

You can brush my hair

Life in plastic, it's fantastic

Undress me everywhere

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i've been working on my neocities website these last few days. finding multiverse inspired me to get back into it. i'm really enjoying the creativity that neocities and multiverse provide. the internet is a big scary place these days, and everything is really corporate and sterile. today i tried to explain what old websites were like to someone who wasn't there. it's something you truly had to experience to understand. i miss it. thank you for letting me own a piece of the world wide web.

HOLOGRAPHIC.NEOCITIES.ORG

britney spears

you want a piece of me

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In honor of Britney finally being able to speak her mind in court, I am going to be posting a Britney collage! If you have not read the court transcript, run to google, NOW!

there was a time i was one of a kind, lost in the world. out of me myself and i was lonely then like an alien. i tried but i never figured it out why i always felt like a stranger in a crowd. 

I'm Miss American Dream since I was seventeen

say hello to the girl that i am. you're gonna have to see through my perspective. i need to make mistakes just to learn who i am & i don't wanna be SO DAMN PROTECTED

& I CAN'T HELP THE WAY THAT I FEEL, MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO OVERPROTECTED

don't tell me how to feel or say that you're for real. my mind's made up, i'm cool without you.

that's so shelly

an about me collage that went wild

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I guess I should introduce myself....

My name is

summer 2021 chill vibes

a playlist for those days by the pool

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F R E E D O M ! ' 9 0

george michael

B A L E N C I A G A

new west

A & E

goldfrapp

summer 2021 chill vibes

R O A D T O S O M E W H E R E

goldfrapp

S U M M E R G I R L

haim

S O A K U P T H E S U N

sheryl crow

S O L A R P O W E R

lorde

desert soul

a spotify playlist that reminds me of my favorite places out in the mojave

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with or without you - u2

joshua tree - ruthie collins

where the streets have no name - u2

i still haven't found what i'm looking for - u2

joshua tree - rozzi

red hill mining town - u2

death valley - heart

hummingbird - equanimous

passenger side - smallpools

bullet the blue sky - u2

mojave queen - dan o'rourke

trip through your wires - u2

one tree hill - u2

death valley - fall out boy

D E S E R T __ S O U L

mojave desert vibing