g & y
I catch myself typing "g" and "y" subconsciously onto my browser, for gmail and youtube.
It's truly a toxic love & hate relationship.
It's an old habit that's coming back.
I've gotten access to some great lectures that transformed my thinking, but also threw random content at me that exploits my brain and my process of thinking.
I have a choice though, there is always a choice.
bee
especially when it's sunny.
I wonder what it recognizes the window as:
I bet it hurts though
but it keeps going
a mirror that extends into the greater sky?
thanks for buzzing, and bustling
nothingness?
just as existentialism says, the meaning of life is in the process of trying.
thanks for being
a transparent jelly layer that by trying hard enough it can be penetrated?
what it doesn't know is that I am seeing it trying so hard but cannot tell him the truth.
it comes again and again. It hits the window tirelessly, almost making some rhythms with bumping and its own buzzing.
There's a bee that always bumps onto the window by my desk
it is possible that the bee can think deeper than humans.
popcorn
poppin corn becomes Popcorn.
light.
The satisfying bitable crunch. One after another.
The misleading mass. The irresistible fluff.
addicting.
micro, bite-size content online. One after another.
auto-play, the come-and-go laughter
sitting with the emptiness afterwards.
another crunch
the empty bowl refills.
videos keep playing.
spaces
Maybe I am in the same space too much, and this space itself beholds a state of being that I didn't really want to directly face.
O.
Spaces
I'm here.
I binged through a documentary series called Home, which showcased so many innovative designs. I started to observe more deeply of the concept that:
living itself is a form of art.
-------------------------
|
|
|
whether digital or physical - intentional spaces as a medium holds their meanings
the good kid
I've been thinking a lot lately, as always. I also made some tough decisions to say good bye to some people to leave more space for myself and the other to grow.
I begin to see the box I put myself in. I said yes to things without questioning. For example, a bureaucratic high school diploma, a so called well-ranked university... every choice I made in my life was still in that box, and seems like it was all lined up to pursue a "good life". With that being said, I fully recognize that I am privileged and these were things that many others dream of. Having the right and opportunity to be educated is forever something I am grateful for. However, I realized that I never really deeply questioned how things were done, and I choose to blindly follow the systems imposed on me many times and didn't have the gut to do what I wanted.
I've realized that all my life i've been that good kid. My parents never pressured me into doing anything, but since kindergarden, i've always been that achiever, who did test prep religiously, who was in student council... I wanted to do everything well.
But I felt like it was never enough. I was never an Olympian, won a real award, or became any sort of a recognized winner.
Fast forward to May 2021...
I remember it was the last year of high school that I became more comfortable with myself and started to at least raise some controversial questions in class. Why do we consider some people beautiful, but not the others? Why are we using this formula to solve this problem not the other?
But college came and hit me. I actually became less comfortable with myself. I lost part of me. I realized this was not the way I imagined college to be, intellectually or socially. Yet I kept telling this lie to myself, that I need to give it one more semester to try, and one more... the struggle was worth it to some extent, that I got to go to some really really interesting lectures and could stay in touch with some people I can call friends. But I also see a different me, in the parallel universe, also making lifelong connections.
To give up everything I have and start over again is scary. But I am ready to continuously break the box that I perceive. Because if I only live once, which I do, I choose to live fearlessly and accept the risks to go through a jungle, instead of a clear path which I can see what is ahead.
From now on, I wish to carry on with gratitude, but a learner and creator at heart, I am willing to take risks smartly and enjoy the journey.
lightness
I finally finished the Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Like the fragmented narrative style of the book itself, I read it in bits and pieces over the course of...3 months.
Sometimes I would google others interpretations when I feel incompetent to understand one's writing.
horror - unknown; sadness - known
"Happiness is the longing for repetition"
"Human time does not turn in a circle, it runs ahead in a straight line."
I think this only applies to a certain extent, and only for some people. The idea of happiness is so dynamic that it would take an incredible amount of wisdom to put it into one sentence.
Is time linear? Or is time linear only because the world needs to follow a certain order for it to be able to operate? Ironically that the author makes such a claim, the novel was not narrated linearly. The "ending" of the characters were told in the middle of the book, and the ending of the book described the death of the beloved dog.
I am a person who naturally don't take things lightly. I tend to associate lightness with a negative connotation. But lightness is a part of life.
But this time I limited myself to read only about the author and the book's wiki pages. I want to be confident and comfortable in my own interpretation.
Isn't life the pursuit of the balance between the lightness and weight?
Knowing when to stop,
to have fun,
to endure hardships,
to do the uncomfortable things,
to dream
to face the reality
Water seems to achieve it perfectly.
It's so light that it's free-flowing, from the mountain to rivers and creeks, then to the lakes. Yet it holds this weight that builds these large bodies of water, lakes, sea, and oceans.
stillwater
It's an animation series for children that speaks so deeply into me, a so-called adult.
I aspire to be like a kid, to be relentlessly curious.
I aspire to gain many beautiful traits that children have that we as adults don't.
The ability to dream unrestrictedly
to imagine
to simply allow ourselves experience emotions as they come
If I want to build a rocketship, I can.
If I want to laugh or cry, I can do so without thinking too much.
We learn, consume all the information and knowledge that apparently make us "more knowledgeable" but so many times children do things better
perhaps this is what they say unlearning is sometimes the hardest. To encounter my own weaknesses face to face is an art itself.
Just that egos in adults do not want adults to admit that.
obsessed
I have been
with
So many of the lessons here apply into my real life. I learned that:
Karl, the 4-year-old kid, was expecting a toy to be gigantic and conquer the world with him. He was so disappointed when the toy was just palm-size.
Stillwater, the wise panda, taught him to change his perspective to appreciate what he has now.
This made me think of my own stories. How unrealistic my certain expectations were of others and of things. School, van, people, and society. But when I switch my perspective or have the ability to observe from afar. I begin to see reality better, so I realize I only have control over myself, of what I do.
Simplicity is one of those. It looks so easy but takes a lot of self discipline to achieve. All the characters in Stillwater has a unique tranquility, that I aspire to have.
2. everyone hold a unique nature. Be who you are confidently and unrestrictedly.
This is a life long practice and takes a lot of courage.
Addy and Michael were building a race car and Karl felt out of place because he couldn't help. He was upset and went to Stillwater. Stillwater taught him that everyone has their own nature, and to make the best use of that is the most important.
after watching it my mind is so calm like still water
1. dissatisfaction comes from the gap between expectations and reality, and our inability to change our perspective. This applies to things & people.
3. simplicity is the most perplex complexity.
It does not matter what one does - whatever industry, whatever position - some principles are universal. And to become excellent, it is important to hold onto the true qualities that make humans human and set that as the golden standard for one's self.
waterfall
Learning, unlearning, and the seeking of the balance in between the two, are possible ways to minimize my ignorance. This is always easier said than done.
Side note: Individually looking at trees - their branches are actually so irregularly free, unlike what's usually portrayed in paintings. Systematically looking at trees - There are so many that have fallen, stuck in between tree trucks, so perfectly imperfect.
Speaking of my hike, I learned 3 lessons:
3) Constantly challenge perspectives that I hold.
This picture captures my view of the sky filter by the trees.
Without my experience being outside of the forest, I may believe that this segmented view is what the sky should look like.
I want to be tranquil like the waterfall.
To seek the truth myself. To hold full integrity in everything I do.
2) Set the highest standard for myself, and do not expect too much from others.
I use to blame many of the miseries I hold on others. I am learning to eliminate it.
My dad, who tried to also capture the moment, failed. Because he missed the right time and his phone was out of GBs to store the picture.
1) Opportunities do not await for you. You have to be ready to grab it. The idea of luck, it exist, but its pre-condition is hard-work and persistence.
To take these photos, it required the plants be at a certain height, at a particular spot, at a certain time of a day, with a certain weather. The shadow that looks like a tiny heart required observance. Shortly after I took the picture, it went away.
Cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore I am) is not a philosophical cliché. Decartes nailed it with 3 words. 😯 And it can be interpreted in a variety of depths and perspectives.
It's not the place that determines me. It's my mind that determines myself.
I went on this long hike over the weekend. I've been on this route many times. I know how it goes and where to go.
I like the idea of the exploration of newness rather than repetitions of what I already know. I always waned to get out and see the world, and to explore the unknown. Is it human nature? 😎
But I am beginning to learn, especially during this time - that to endure mundaneness builds one's character. You need to be creative and selective in the way you perceive things. It is harder to do things in a smaller place with limited resources, but it also allows one to become extremely creative and look where others aren't looking.
I realized that it's the shift of mindset and perspective that determines my emotions, and the level of happiness. The power is truly in the beholder of the eyes.
Enjoy the now; Live in the moment. Like they say. From my current understanding, it's a mindset like muscles that need to be practiced and developed over time, although it comes more naturally for some than others. For the ambitious, hustlers, and visionaries, I myself identify as one, who share the traits of always forward-looking, and I used to perceive being comforted in the now as cowardliness.
It is true to an extent that it is extremely hard for people who are not blinded by what is brought up to the front to be happy. When one's more critical and cynical, it takes extra deliberate practice to be happy. Also, what even is happiness? Like colors, the red I see may not be the same red in everyone's eyes.
Striving for happiness no longer equals feeling settled so that it stops my personal growth. Instead, now I see it as a challenge, a great challenge that gets me thinking and excited.
Nature is truly an incubator of wisdoms, ideas, and transparent thoughts.
also, although there's no comment section yet, my inbox 📧 is always open: p.cynther at gmail.com. I am curious to hear & learn more perspectives. 🙏
ode to multiverse
- it's the idea of boundary-less.
to better poetry
to better writing
to better forms of digital thought exchange
🙏thank you @weiwei & @kicks 🙏
to boxes that challenge the boxes full of status quo
to peace in crowded minds
to a sacred digital space
, as a medium, boosts creativity of its users.
This can be the place that starts a new form of social idea sharing and essaying.
brilliant, something i've been looking for a while.
🥂
🍻
boxes
I put myself in a box.
Society
My other-blaming voice shouts: Society puts me in a box.
ME
systems
* no. of persons + some "influential" people's thoughts =
ME
But hey, no, I always have a choice. Knowledge is power, in a way that we can see things from different lights and break through the box. No one is making me do what I do, which I call fortunate.
persons
persons
persons
everything seems to be a box, when i see them in a lens of boxes.
My parents' house where i currently live,
my laptop screen,
the kitchen island,
and playgrounds.
person
beliefs
stereotypes
character
My self-blaming voice shouts: I seem to be always starting things without wrapping things perfectly. It seems to be a great weakness of mine.
Another weakness is that sometimes I say sorry too much, communicate ineffectively, and do not have the longevity when it comes to self-discipline.
First step is to recognize them. At least I have my foot in the door to see myself clearly.
I started to think about boxes.
I want to start a series of paintings and sculpture on boxes.
when I think in boxes: digital & physical
even the bean to bar chocolates that I am currently obsessed are in these really beautifully designed boxes.
open me
I am on that journey to find my box and the boxes in it.
On the other hand, boxes might be limiting, but I still need a box to hold my true self. A box that holds and molds my identity.
the environment may enforce boxes. Race, gender, social status, values, and all the "should"s.
my box may not look like this.
yet among distracting noises,
I forget to be who i am
I want to be firm with the pure human part of myself
Out of all the stuff i made in 2020, this one remains to be my favorite painting. It was the breaking out of the box idea that birthed this. But I began to lose that courage slowly.
when i think in boxes: others & myself
side note: at least most cookwares that I love using to make food are circular.
pots,
pans,
rice cooker,
slow cooker,
and bowls.
All accepting different ingredients to come together.
when i think in boxes: people & systems
questions in my head
Perfection, how is it really different from excellence?
Ideas, can they be quantified?
Gratitude, is it something that is uniquely special to females?
Happiness, is it just an illusion?
Knowledge, is it purely an consumption of others ideas?
Why am I so obsessed with the number 5?
?????
how can we get them back
a heart & soul filled with kindness
they seem to be floating away with the loss of presence, loss of independent thinking, and the loss of souls. How can we tell them to come back?
hey, it's me, a human. I miss you all.
"School does not show how smart people are, but school shows how good people are at school."
This stuck to my mind when I was skipping through Tiago Forte's workshop recording.
Many may argue that the education system is broken. It is, but the system is conditionally constructed upon many other broken systems - the economy, labor markets, and more.
We born as humans, sadly got trained into being robots and start to think less about what really matters.
curiosity
honesty
love
Information Fatigue.
I spent hours on the internet. I open Youtube and Instagram subconsciously and browse for hours without realizing time passing.
Perhaps time is parallel to another reality happening elsewhere. I am experiencing things in a spectrum defined in my current spacial time, but on another clock, or world, I am a 40-year-old self living in a forest.
Dissatisfaction with my current self does come from within. I identify and recognize it, but I am not sure how exactly I can move on. I am making food, reading a bit, and sliding in opportunities for exercising here and there, but overall I still don't think it's helping.
I missed opportunities to make, to create, to enter a competition that I have been planning to submit my writing to. I felt numb and started doubting myself: "what is the point?" When has I became so pessimistic and unproductive? What happened to learning, ultra-learning, and enriching my intellectual needs?
Instead of endlessly blaming myself, perhaps from another perspective, this pause was much needed. I need the time to think about what exactly I am doing and how to live my purpose. Silence is so uncomfortable because of the million voices in our heads in this modern age, but when I think about it this way, I am able to hold onto this tidbit of gratitude.
originally written 04.08.21