Brief thoughts

Having to think through some things, process some next steps

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I have to move with some more intention. I have to figure out what I want to do and how I want to spend my time.

I'm definitely trying to figure out a way out of my current job. But it seems like I'll have to craft what is next for me personally.

Maybe research contracting work? Because I don't mind researching - but.. I don't know if I want to do this all the time. I want more time for myself. For others around me.

I want more time to carve out something more in this world. Especially since things seem to be coming undone before my eyes. And I am in no place to keep on like we can just keep on.

There's so little time left. And I have to get it where I fit in.

Although there's no place that I truly fit. Hm.

on continuing to explore

an ongoing potential relationship to a system which.. may be meaningful for me. Maybe. We’ll see.

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Hm. Finding myself back in the studies which compell. Exploring a belief system, or aspects of this system which may hold some value. The concepts that register with me, that make me really consider... maybe dedicating myself to experiencing, to observing these thoughts and notions that resonate. That actually do inspire a feeling that can be guiding in the midst of things that are so... unguided, unweighted by existence.

It's worth taking seriously. It really is. I have to wonder. I have to wonder and think, and sit with the thoughts that come up.

If nothing else, returning to the practice of being more observant, of listening to the way that I feel, that I think, that come up in my very being. That has to be worthwhile. That has to be start.

I'll never find it boring how I get drawn back, even after a while of feeling astray. Or feeling like it could not fit. And I see ways that maybe it could. Maybe I should try it.

Something about things being an ongoing process.

Missed this spot.

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I missed this spot. I really did. There's something about the notion of just making and working through some thoughts here. In this place, in this way - without so much of the other things that make it hard for me to place thoughts together.

Definitely going to have to use this spot more for processing some of these things.

Lately, I've been really realizing the history of dissociation .. specifically depersonalization, derealization that I find myself feeling on a regular basis. It's been intensifying.

It's always been kind of intense for me. But this makes me feel hyper aware of the ways that I can not function. I can't make myself do things when I'm just not here, when I'm so incredibly unreal at least in my perception of self.

So even when I do ground myself in some reality, in my surroundings - I find myself so ... alienated, is it any wonder that this dissociation has been an ongoing thing with me?

I shouldn't be surprised. But the sheer realization of how it has been a pretty regular thoroughline in addition to everything else I have been wrestling with. It really makes me wonder how I managed.

Probably because I've been forced to. Trained to. No options not to try in manage, even if that causes moments of shattering along the way.

And I still feel that shattering, that unfurling. That nagging sense of where do we go from here? Because here isn't it. What I do to just... get through each day isn't it.

When do I have the time figure out what I can do? When do I have the support to figure out really going on a limb. I don't know. It's hard, terribly hard - because there's always the sense of responsibility in a way that I know that I'm really... not working well through.

The sense of change is loud, running through my head on a regular basis. But acting on it? Actually acting on it? Ugh, when do I feel present enough and grounded in that enough to do so?

Too many questions.

Brief little social thought

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Sometimes when I talk to people - if I don't get a sense of why they are asking certain questions, it will kind of get under my skin. And I don't know why exactly I respond that way to it.

I mean.. I usually just talk myself through it so I don't.. be too abrupt to others asking 'what's the point of this'

But.. that is sometimes what I've been thinking if I'm kind of like.. this is kind of random to ask people. Patience with ordinary small talk ass conversations is something that I'm still.. work on, obviously. And I'm never quite sure if I will get any good at it, or if I want to. Bleh.

a casual day of marathoning.

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I literally spent the afternoon watching a documentary series about how some horror movie villains become icons. And honestly, it was a fascinating watch. I'm usually not really a binge watch person like that. But the easy way that the episodes played out which were both informative and entertaining .. just had me clicking on one episode after another.

The things that I do when I'm actually on break huh.

It's just noise.

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We make noise, noise noise noise.

We make noise, noise, noise noise.

The notion repetition, the word sending me through the day. Blocking out the notions that drive me up the wall.

Fighting the impulse to scribble where I can.

The rhythm having me floating through whatever I have to do for the day. If only I could constantly be floating, swerving, dodging the sight of those who can't and won't see me.

Never as I demand to be.

No you don't deserve what you can catch glimpses.

You just get this noise, noise noise noise.


When not making noise, or moving through noise, or seeking out sound, or processing my surroundings.

I think a lot about remaking myself, dismantling myself. Having that imminent sense of loss, of how much has to change. And How much I can.. I can bear to live through that change.

I've often thought about not wanting to be when so many things breakdown. But things are breaking down now. And all I can consider is wanting to remake the self, remake with others, to building and destroy and shift and be. To lean into the necessary sense of ambiguity .. some of which relates to interconnectedness, some of which relates to something else entirely.

On trying not to hate your voice

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I've had a weird relationship with my voice for some time. I'm never quite sure how I really want it to sound. And have been repulsed by the sound of my voice when it peaks.

But, I do notice that in listening to some of the voice notes that I've recently sent to a dear friend, that I don't mind it. Something about the process of making a voice note kind of allows me to give snippets of voice. Snippets of what I want others to hear, want others to be aware of.

A means of expression that I could likely leverage going forward. Just because I'm studying the way I use my voice and seeing if I can develop a better feeling about it altogether.

As much as I'm like - don't perceive me, if I can leverage the way I can be perceived in a way that makes sense to me... I can't be too mad at that.

Purposefully losing yourself.

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This is very brief but I was just talking to a friend today, catching up with her about how she has been. And just processing the ways that I often don't know how to move forward with everything happening around me. With everything that can be overwhelming.

Like the obligation to survive is getting in the way of figuring out what is necessary, of processing the things that have happened already. When there's no room to really give space to that sort of thing, it's hard to really articulate what is happening.

I had done some reading of Bayo Akomolafe's work - and it does hit at some places. It really does hit at some of the things that I have been considering.

Like a quote that immediately got my attention was 'in order to find your way, you must lose it. generously.' Something about that feels incredibly true for me. I don't know if .. that's really the case for many, because there are those who never really had a way. And so I won't say they're in a better position but there is a difference there.

And so I've just been really considering what would it mean to fall, to really fall - let yourself fall in ways that you've never given yourself the space to do so before.

To actually tend to the practice of falling and letting so much fall around you.

This does not mean not tending to those who need assistance, this is not mean ignoring your own needs for assistance. but letting worlds that you know don't function for you, that you know don't work. Letting those worlds fall. That, that is something that will be peaking my interesting for quite some time.

Quote examination

The feeling when a quote just hits at you. And you must investigate why.

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Been digging through this book Black dada reader. And I'm not going to front, there is something about it that speaks to me. The collection of different perspectives, the way it does tie into radical Black traditions - they even had discussion on the problems of liberalism in there along with everything else in there. So. Yeah, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I would find a quote that seems to hit at me.

Radi­cal unknowability is the only constant.

- from the Poethical Wager, said by Joan Retallack

I'm not sure why this quote resonates so much with me but it does. Like that perpetual unknowability of what is to happen, what can be done at any given moment. Maybe because I have been wrestling with the feeling of being so deeply uncertain, so deeply aware of how much of the unknown feels super present in my everyday thoughts. In feeling unable to plan, being able to see that there is something on the horizon that doesn't spell for any kind of stability of consistency in the least.

Another quote from the same work that I definitely have to think through, write through.

With all the violence around us one could become too frightened to embark at all. It's nec­essary to find ways to navigate the turbulence, to practice the art of staying in motion in a world that is always threatening to stun us into stasis.

This is especially relevant for me, because as mentioned before that sense of uncertainty does have a way of making feel like I shouldn't move, can't move. Despite something in me wanting to take action, knowing that I must take some kind of action. Make some kind of attempt to engage with this world despite being often frightened or wary or resentful of aspects of it. When I'm so aware that this turbulence is only going to continue and that is probably a major factor of the unknowability I confront on a regular basis - it has to be a practice of motion. A practice of engagement. I needed to read this. I'm sure I'm going to be returning to these quotes on a regular basis just when I get overwhelmed and ... need to return to something, anything.

These can probably help with that.


for the past few days.

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Just a number of little things that have been with me.

Kind of dreading thursday. A day that I can not and will not respect. For I know I don't belong to these lands, I don't really belong to many lands. Maybe the ocean is a better space for me.

Maybe space itself is a better place for me. Wonder if I'll ever end up there.

But for now I am on these lands. That aren't my own. I will not pretend them to be.

We gather, we get together to take appreciation. Although it's hard to bring myself to do so .. given the history. I've always been a reader. one to go back to the source, the root of these issues. And so with the history in mind, it's hard. I can not engage with it the same. Even if I am there. Even if I am present, I have to move differently. For the sake of people I am around. For the sake of those whose land I am on.

Another thought:

Dysphoria is a pain. The sensations that drive me to feel so damn removed from my body. From my existence. If I could make this permanently stop some day, I may just do it. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it. Perhaps I have to find a way to accomplish it. Because I don't.. I don't know if I can keep living my life, whatever weird way it is like this.

Then again, I am not entirely sure about living my life. Ha.

When I see the possibilities of how others spend their time, their energy in making, planning, preparing for other worlds. I want so badly to do that too. I try to do so in my time, in the little time that I have to myself. But more often than not I find myself navigating systems that I reset, that I don't want to prop up. But don't have anywhere to drop myself out into. Frustrating.

I need to get out one day. I don't know where I'll be going though.

Reading update.

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Finished one book for the book club I'm in. Although I do find some of the other book club members a bit trying at times. - the book itself was very, very good. And I'm glad that I read it.

Although I am just going to get back to my own books. Because I have two I'm reading simultaneously and there are others I have on deck for afterwards.

It's just.. fun. Fun to have books and topics I deeply want to explore. Likely because I think some of this study will help guide me as to where I want to end up being and doing.

Catching up provoking feelings.

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Recent things that have been going through my mind.

So I finally got the chance to hang with a dear friend who I hadn't seen in maybe over a month this past week. It had been pretty nice to catch up with her, to give feedback over some work situations that she has been dealing with. And just talk.

And to give some backstory, I met this person earlier this year and we hung out a lot over the summer. A little less once fall started just because there were some things that she was going through along with my own busyness.

Now that I've given that brief bit of context (not trying to surface too much information about her) - I've just been thinking about how I feel about her. That's an intimidating question to process.

Because we are friends, definitely - good friends at that. I do think there is other feelings there. I don't think they are romantic in nature (i genuinely don't think so - and that's a relief personally). But there are additional feelings there.

I find myself returning to the word alterous. That's probably as good a fit as I'm going to get.

I just need to be honest about that. If nothing else. I need to be up front about that. I had known I felt a way about her earlier. But having to take care of myself for a few months while not seeing her much had made be really scale back what I could genuinely hope for with her.

A brief hello

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I'm really deeply curious about this platform. I'll probably do a lot of little commenting things. Just because I don't.. I don't feel comfortable on other places any more. I don't really like using them the way that they are meant to be used.

I want a space that is specifically for me. And how I process a lot of what I have been going through.

So I'm very curious about this space.

As for me - Black, agender trans, autistic person. they/xe/void pronouns (but they is fine by default)

Probably going to be detailing some of my struggles with everyday life. Drafts for writing that I may want to share somewhere.

Or maybe just put here. I don't know.

Interests include: music history, horror history, cultural studies, drawing, art, history, literature, astronomy, whatever I can really get my hands on reading wise. Generally though we will see what I make of this space.