Just a number of little things that have been with me.
Kind of dreading thursday. A day that I can not and will not respect. For I know I don't belong to these lands, I don't really belong to many lands. Maybe the ocean is a better space for me.
Maybe space itself is a better place for me. Wonder if I'll ever end up there.
But for now I am on these lands. That aren't my own. I will not pretend them to be.
We gather, we get together to take appreciation. Although it's hard to bring myself to do so .. given the history. I've always been a reader. one to go back to the source, the root of these issues. And so with the history in mind, it's hard. I can not engage with it the same. Even if I am there. Even if I am present, I have to move differently. For the sake of people I am around. For the sake of those whose land I am on.
Another thought:
Dysphoria is a pain. The sensations that drive me to feel so damn removed from my body. From my existence. If I could make this permanently stop some day, I may just do it. I've been thinking about it and thinking about it. Perhaps I have to find a way to accomplish it. Because I don't.. I don't know if I can keep living my life, whatever weird way it is like this.
Then again, I am not entirely sure about living my life. Ha.
When I see the possibilities of how others spend their time, their energy in making, planning, preparing for other worlds. I want so badly to do that too. I try to do so in my time, in the little time that I have to myself. But more often than not I find myself navigating systems that I reset, that I don't want to prop up. But don't have anywhere to drop myself out into. Frustrating.
I need to get out one day. I don't know where I'll be going though.