Hello!

Lol, I'm not sure if my posts are any neat they just look like a huge brain dump I took all over.

Yeah, it's nice that there's no likes, share, comment and other pesky features that you find on other social sites that make you feel alone and competitive in here.

I really like that.

I mean, it's okay if others don't read what gets posted here, but there's an added insult to it when they explicitly mention "0 comments" or "0 notes" which makes things hurt a bit.

Thank you for the invite to the discord!

It's a huge time sink, and instant messaging really makes me anxious and constantly check for new messages!

I've heard praises about it too, but I've been trying to stay away from discord too.

I really liked Reki as a character.

I forgot a lot about it because I saw it quite a long time ago though so might give it a try again!

I've seen Haibane Renmei, and it's a really good show although I sometimes found it very slow paced and it was a lot of work to make it through the first few episodes.

This site still up. Wow!

https://cff.ssw.net/index.htm

Anyway, thanks for reading all the shit I wrote and thanks for the reply! :3

I really hate stuff that are too mainstream, typically the ones that preach shounen values like wanting to catch everything and becoming the number one and all that and I find that beating people up to become friends with them later, and then said friends coming to magically help you and stand by your side no matter what happens and are even ready to give up their own lives just so you can be the best and satisfy your narcissistic cravings and all that with them is a really wrong moral value that's being spread out in these shows.

I'm tired of these wish fulfillment escapist fantasy bullshit!

On the flip side, I also really hate the toxic positivity preachy stuff that asks everyone to fart rainbows all the time and smile and dance even in the darkest and deepest depths of sorrow like something I tried to see a few days ago, Nights of Cabiria. I couldn't make it past an hour of that.

I don't know why but I think I found Cabiria annoying and... painfully relatable and she reminds me of how I used to "fall" for emotionally toxic people and she really needs to consider the possibility that even if she finds herself in really bad circumstances she still has some unresolved issues that she needs to take care of so that she doesn't continue to end up in such situations again in future.

I really don't want to waste my time or energy or internet space talking about this extremely annoying and unrealistic archetype.

I can at least tolerate these things till I get bored and stop watching and feel intense shame and regret about wasting my time but one thing that really gets on my nerves is the god damn manic pixie dream girls.

Anyway, I guess other than that, I don't have any specific tastes and listen to anything that I stumble upon, but my favorite song is Grimes' Realiti [Both versions!]. Grimes is too good, or used to be, before Elon Musk happened.

Damn you, Nintendo!

I really feel good when I find something satisfying like that, something that really connects with me to the soul and not something that's superficial, preachy, pretty or just technically good.

I even struggle to find something relatable while watching or reading something that's passive, like anime, manga, movies, cartoons, or anything.

The best, and most important find though is Phosphophyllite from Houseki no Kuni because she's literally me, a walking disaster that blames everything else except herself for her problems, even if she gets put in unfortunate and manipulative circumstances [yes, she!].

Anyway, I guess the last thing I watched that I really liked was Aftersun, and it made me cry so much because I'm such a mess and it really moved me.

I really like it when things leave me confused and ambiguous as **** but then it has that god damn David Bowie song.

I'm tired of being bored and nit picky all the time!

It's a real struggle to find something that truly moves me, made by friendly people and not narcissists.

I'm so bored...

All of this makes it really hard for me to find something that I actually get to enjoy.

I kind of wish a manic pixie dream girl personality is real and I wish I could find the strength to be happy and fart rainbows even in my darkest times but I have a feeling that such personalities are a result of trauma, selective amnesia and serious object inconstancy.

I sometimes find myself listening to really toxic songs like the songs of Crystal Castles which nobody should endorse or support because Ethan is a ******* and an abusing ******, but somehow Alice's pain that came out of her songs can be really cathartic to listen to, and that's really addictive.

I also find myself listening to Lana Del Rey who somehow embraces and capitalizes relationships where toxicity thrives, diffusion and shared fantasies nurture, and all of which can be really messed up. I'm trying to stay clean off of those songs these days.

Something that also really pissed me off recently is listening to Layla by Eric Clapton on repeat for a whole day, and then finding out that this guy is a total narcissist and the whole story is so ****** up.

What's with all the toxicity in music industry, or anything that has to do with showbiz?

Oh yeah, I also liked Under Pressure by Queen because of Aftersun but then David Bowie, someone who is worshiped the **** out of, is a ******* ******* as well.

He even literally looks like a Ventrue, but is probably a Toreador or something.

Still, nothing beats this... the mythical "Internet Checkpoint" [which is dead now], my go-to comfort song while staring at unfamiliar ceilings.

I even had a neocities profile a couple of months ago and all I wanted to do was look all smart and pretentious.

Soon, I got so tired and frustrated that I just deleted the site one miserable day and didn't look back.

It's this place! <3

Anyway, I'm supposed to introduce myself.

I guess I'll call myself as diastasis here, and I'm in my ******* 30s and I should be having a family and a son right now but I still feel like I'm somewhere in my late teens.

I don't even understand how I made it to my 30s alive.

I feel stuck in a grown*** body that's only grown*** in age but not in terms of emotional maturity, stuck in torpor.

At least that's how it all feels...

A neighbor lady recently told my mom that I look like 16 or something.

One of the kids I know told me I look like 20 a while ago.

I recently encountered a fist fight in real life, and all the adults around me were really serious and stressed about it and tried to make the gorilla brutes stop, but I just joined some of the kids around me and started to laugh with them and enjoy the chaos that was going on.

I'm a really boring person that has nothing useful or original to bring onto the plate, and even if I'm grown***, I never managed to get a proper job in my life, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm just dumb or it's because of life circumstances and the lack of jobs and hyper-capitalism in action that made me dumb due to lack of social exposure.

Anyway, I'm tired. I sometimes still go back to old places and sometimes get the ol' sense of belonging, rarely, but then for the most part, internet feels like a place that's too crowded, yet you feel lonely and desolate for some weird reason. Maybe I grew out, or maybe the problem is with me not wanting to open up so I don't really know.

I wish I acted age appropriately.

I feel as if I've become old or something, and that the internet is full of young ones. I've tried imageboards, reddit, X [formerly twitter], tumblr, fediverse, neocities, heck, I've even tried ******* SpaceHey recently, but nothing ever satisfies this emptiness and numbs the feeling that I really don't belong anywhere, except for a handful of online friends I managed to somehow retain despite being a walking disaster, but they too are slowly drifting away because entropy consumes everything and we're all going to *** one day.

First, it was a blog, then I felt too vulnerable and stupid, and then it became a website where I gather information and self-help resources for "others" because I'm so desperate for validation or something and I felt like a total phoney, because it was actually me just trying to copypaste things and present those as if it were mine by rephrasing and "summarizing" them [regurgitating actually], then it became a site where I rambled my *** off about everything I came across from movies to self-help videos on youtube, then a lot of things happened, and after some point I had no idea what I was doing in here by creating something that has nothing to do with me. It's supposed to be a personal site, but nothing about it was personal.

A few weeks ago, I was trying to find out more niche spaces where I could do something, and I randomly stumbled upon something that really impressed me, and made me go this is it!

I'm supposed to be a man, but nothing about me except for whatever that's hanging between my legs seem manly to me [even that's small as ****], and to others.

I occasionally experience phantom breasts and bottom dysphoria.

Sometimes it's just really bad luck, like getting scratched by a dog recently, and I had to take rabies vaccine for a whole month that kept me sick every week because of its side effects.

These days I feel tired all the time [probably a symptom of depression] and I find myself sleeping so much and I also get sick a lot, like real lot because of chronic sinusitis and bad eating habits, and some serious lack of sleep and vitamin D because of being a pseudo-shut-in.

I thought I could be trans but I find it hard to relate to the female experience as well, so now I'm just a confused mess and I've settled down for being non-binary.

I'm damn sure I have borderline personality disorder along with a cocktail of other mental illnesses like OCD and Adult ADD and all that but I don't want to go to a therapist because my parents don't believe in mental illnesses, or mental health for that matter, and there's no proper affordable help or mental health awareness where I live.

I'M CHRONICALLY ADDICTED TO INTERNET, AND I ESCAPE A LOT TO DROWN ALL THESE PESSIMISTIC THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN ME BY WASTING MY TIME WATCHING LOTS OF STUFF, ANYTHING THAT GETS MADE AND PARTICIPATING IN PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSIONS ONLINE THAT NEVER REACH A CONCLUSION BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T REALLY INTERESTED IN CONVERSATIONS BUT JUST TO PROVE THAT OTHERS ARE WRONG ONLINE, AND WATCHING LOTS OF SELF-HELP VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE THAT I NEVER ACT ON... IN FACT IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE ACTED ON SOMETHING, AND IT'S MOVING LIKE A SNAIL THESE DAYS.

... AND IF EVERYTHING IS FINE, THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE AND I'M PILED UP WITH RESPONSIBILITIES LIKE PAYING BILLS AND DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES I NEVER GET SOME TIME ALONE FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY LIFE BUT... I THINK I'VE SAID A LOT ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS POST ALREADY.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and make myself home around here.

If someone is reading all this, I really appreciate it and thank you for making my day!