Goals until July 2024

Visions

• Composed on

I'm so glad I got my main bike back and he's good to go!

I'm not sure when I'm going to start T. It's not a big goal, for me.

The biggest deal is I found a place to stay for summer, and I'm considering my options for when this place ends.

The MN e-bike rebate program is super strict, so I'm not going to go for that, anymore.

I currently feel inspired to advocate for public transit! It's not like we don't need more,why not!?

I'm honestly so glad to have my own 2 wheels again! I'm going to ride my bike for the rest of summer and fall!

I took June off for livestreaming and I'm back for July! I deleted 2 of my accounts, due to interpersonal agendas that I needed to completely remove myself from. It was easily to delete the accounts than to scrub them. Nothing illegal, but def horrendous!

The quest to be a solid internet icon is far from over. This isn't even a set back, due to things slowing down because I took a whole month off, anyway.

We still on the road to internet fame and fortune, babes!

Ko-fi subs - come to me!

TT subs and coins - come to me!

Money - come to me!

tougths

Composed on

I'm already back because where like what 2-3 weeks in to summer brake and I'm bord out of my mind

Seeing pepole I know travel around Europe or just one cuntry only fuels my desire to travel even more.

I want to go to travel so baldy Aaaaaaa

I have started wacing a bit of Dunmeshi and it's pretty fun!

My main plan was to study in Malmö but I'm considering stocholm instead. Downsides, it's crazy expensive and Idk if it has any design programs much less product design ......

I spoke to a freend and now we might do a Denmark - German summer and if we have more money we will travel to Slovakia and Croasia

I want to use Procreate more but I dislike the brushes;/

If we manige to get the money for it

Call a cafe and ask if I could work there in the gall. They said that I should email them and they will respond with a job interview time, Sadly they have yet to respond to my email but I'm 1 step closer to geting a job.

I will still write and look for more jobs

I have sadly turned tooling Instagram reals to pass the time :(

I am celebrating my freends birthday on Sunday I'm really looking forward to it. I got him a little duck mug since he is moving out in a few weeks and he loves tea and ducks

It was great! we ate chips and dank soda and talked for hours

One last ting. I have decided to retake högskle provet it's going to suck but I want a better result to be able to get into more schools

Içm cureny in my famellys cotege. It. It's pretty fun:) I have been drawing for art fight a lot but after I am done with my bookmarks I'm going to start doing many traditional art studies

my really (un)interesting thoughts #24

in a music Rut…..

• Composed on

HELLLO INTERNET! it is ME AGAIN THIS MONYAY!!! Yippee!!! this is the seconf to last monyay before i die for 3 whole monyays..... Oh man... i feel like my summer is already over... i only h ave two weeks left before my chaos of a billion trips helll... Yay. Haha. anywyas...so GUESS WHAT!! i learned to play the CONGA today!!! it was awesome!!! i went to my class after the break last week and Nico Bro was 15 mins late.. he got a new student and he ALWAYSYSS goes late on lessons which is fun like Thx ik he cares Ig... but anyways this new student... Another teen girl.. maybe younger than me.. was in that class to learn the conga???? so i went in and he was like 'Ya i just got a kid who is learning the conga... u wanna try?? it kinda relates to jazz.. and latin music is my specialty' and i was like Omg what thats so cool OFC i wanna try.... sooo anyways theres these giant congas in the room and i learn... i like percussion instruments because unlike any other instruments a lot of them require u to MANSPREAD SO HARD and its so funny i feel so silly (im a #1 manspreader). anyways you have to liek shove the conga between your legs and like tilt it for better resonance or something and its Super awesome.. although its REALLY hard... like you think ur just banging it? NO ITS HARD!!!

BY of MONTREAL

song of the week!

"Mix bag, grab bag, pop the question

Have a ball runnin' wild between your spaghetti legs

Mix bag, grab bag, dirty pots

You'd best believe my love could fix the faucet"

BY of MONTREAL

BY of MONTREAL

BY SCREECHING WEASEL

BY TACOCAT

"I tip top topple over for my fun loving nun

Cause she has so much fun, so much joy

And so much wonderful love for everyone

She’s not like an ordinary person no she’s not

She turns a lonely room into a happy place

Transforms a grumpy look into a smiling face"

i was struggling rly hard actually to like... hit it good... like you have to use this certain part of your hand and like curl ur fingers all weird and its Tough! but he was like Ya its hard..... and then he was explaining all this latin music Crap to me and it was like. Oh man bro i JUST started to understand jazz and all those terms and how that works and then BOOM threw me into another World bro. it was funy he said like "ya idk if u noticed but i actually lead the afro cuban band at the middle school i work at (which is actually the middle school that i went to LOL) and i actually specialize in latin music and latin percussion and stuff" and i.. already knew that... LOL.. i did notice... he saif that cuz i follow his Damn instagram Ew.. anyways its actually REALLY cool like this WHOLE OTHER WORLD of music!!! and i learned about... clave.. beats??? and... many words that i forgot and i learned a latin beat and it was Super AWESOMELY COOL!!! i felt like a cool Baddie. but its really hard and i was struggling. a Alot. and then idk what the joke was but while he was writing down sheet music he made some joke and i laughed at it and he was like Thanks for laughing at all my jokes. Even though they aren't even funny. and i was like LOL no i like them. that was funny...... erm. anyways i did it and i was livin the awesome life... and then i picked my cuticle and it started bleedingNAW so i had to ask for a bandaid... and i had to confess my cuticle picking problem to him and he was like Ya me too.. so Ya then i told the story of when i started bleeding on piano keys during a class once and i was like Ya that was embarassing and he said Ya that IS embarassing... THANKS A LOT BRO. thx for the bandaid though. that i took off like immedietly after. anyways piano was horrible hell and horrible and i hate piano and i HATE IT

like OH MY GOD. Yk. i play the piano a LOT. and i can pretty much play whatever the HELL I WANT. ive been playing it a lot this week since i discovered a ton of of montreal songs with piano in it and i swear when i play i feel like a little genius because i can just look up the chords/tabs of a song and i can figure out how to play it REALLYY EASY like i can learn whatever Freaking song i want (thanks to Nico's teaching Tbh.... i never wouldve been able to do that before) . so when im at home i feel like a piano genius because i literally was able to figuer out songs like that.. i learned like 4 songs in the past 24 hours. like. Comeo n. but WHEN I STEP IN THAT DAMN ROOM WITH NICO ALL MY SKILLS EVERYTHING DISAPPEARS AND I LOOK LIKE A DAMN IDIOT. oh my GOD. ok first of all i have NO idea what to practice.. its all so vague. so i did NOT practice whatever my AUDITION STUFF FROM MY JAZZ BAND AUDITION A MONTH AGO CUZ I THOUGHT I WASS DONE. but NO he asked me to pull it out and comp and solo to FREAKING Blue 7 CRAP and i was like Bro. i DIDNT KNOW I HAD TO PRACTICE THAT BECAUSE WE DID NOT DO THAT 2 WEEKS AGO?? and he was like.. ok Comp to Blue 7... and i was like ok... and i DID and hewas like NOT ENOUGH. SWITHC IT UP. VOICE LEADING. INVERSIONS. and i was like... AHDBaHAhaHa Okay. and hewas like. "DONT be ashamed. its MY job to teach. but you should KNOW this. Fr. DONT be ashamed. DOnt give me that look" OK WTF?????? WTTTFFF????? IS WERONG WITH HIM. HE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT WHATEVR CRAP AND I WAS LIKE oh my god. my face got all red and i was just like Okay Yeha Thumbs uP!!!!!! bro i swear to god. idk why i freeze up. because i KNOW i could do that crap EASY at home but i have no confidence!!

hello this song has no lyrics its just piano... im putting it becaue i just learned it on the piano!! its so fun and Whimsy awesomeness..... did you know that coquelicot means poppy in french? poppy is the name of my cat!! this album is awesome!!! and this song is adorable and super duper fun to play on the piano... although it is short and sweet!

"Won't end up like you want us to be

But so what cause we're always gonna be happy

Cause we don't give a shit about tomorrow

Tell us we'll regret those things we did

But we're just gonna give you a big wet kiss

Cause we don't give a shit about tomorrow"

"It’s that time, that time of the month

Well I woke up early and I got a hunch

Gonna head on down to the beach today, surf all my girl probs away

‘Cause all I wanna do is cry, ask mother nature why why why

Listen to The Cramps on my stereo, turn it up as loud as it will go

Surfin’, surfin’ the wave

All the girls are surfin’ the wave

Surfin’ the crimson wave today"

aand he was like Oh maybe not i dont wanna embarass you. HELP ME HELP ME YOU WILLLLLLLL YOU WILL I THINK ILL DIE IF HE SHOWS UP AT THAT GODDAMN OPEN MIC GOD HELP ME. and then we kinda talked about the cafe tht its at. he was like Ok pls remind me so i can go!!! ( iwont). Help me. im actually terrified. and my other friend childhood bff also wants to come and now theres too many peopele im gonna explode and die. I ONLY WANT THE HIP MILLENIALS WHO DO SICK POETRY THERE (and my other awesome friends that also perform. they are also Cool. and they were the ones who showed me that open mic :3). I SHOULDNT HAVE TOLD ANYONE. I SHOULDNT HAVE TOLD THAT FREAKOOOO. Help me. What a fun and awesome class... today... Yeah.... OH YEAH and at the beginning when i walked in and he was 15 minutes late this Random apple drum teacher saw that i had my brushes and started talking to me and asking me about my brushes and all that Crap and i was so awkward IM NOT MADE FOR THIS LIFE IM GONNA DIEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help. im dead. anyways i have been talking about that for WAAAYYY too long oh my god. sorry today was a Doozy!!! but at least ETHO uploaded today and it was a 50 minute video and i was sSOOO HAPPIEHH!!! andi hung out with da Biffle Bae on friday and it was such an awesome balst and i had a awesome time and i made a FURSONA and im a little bobcat and its so cute and i think my life is way better now that i have a fursona i think!!!! so thats a highlight of my week Def. and we went and watched the sunset while i rated trolls ships...... what an awesome time.... and the fourth of juuly was super fun and i swam which was Cool. and my little cousin is adorable and my uncle randomly was like.. Brooke,.... i just heard of BABYMETAL.. and i was like OH MY GOD UR KIDDING ME UNC!!!!!!!! and we talked about BABYMETAL for a while because I LOVE BABYMETAL!!! and its so funny that my uncle knows them. i was so excited. i LOVE THEM. no one UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH I LOVE BABYMETAALLLLLLLL!!!! but ive TOTALLY been in a music rut recently! IDK. im scared im gonna Over-listen to of Montreal and then i wont like them any more.. theyve been my fave band for so long but recently its ALL i can listen to. I DONT WANNA OVERLISTEEN!!! im scared... but they r SOO GOOOD oh my GOD. words cant explain!!

like all my confidence disappears.... due to fear of making mistakes maybe... but i know i can do that crap at home. IDK WATS WRONG WITH MEEEEE. but he was so mad today... he was like "yk it feels like we are going backwards and sitting here learning the same thing every week because ive heard you do better before. i can sit here and teach you the same thing but you need to be practicing" and i was going to Burst out right there i was like Okay. (im gonna die im so upset). and it SUCKS BC I PLAY PIANO ALL THE TIME!!!! jazz is impossible and it makes me wanna die. on the piano. I CAN DO IT I SWEAR. im so embarassed. im so excited to not see him for 3 weeks. (no im not)(yes i am)(I wanna die). anyways i had mentioned to him that im ACtaully planning on performing keyboard at an open mic with my Biffle Bae (on acoustic guitar. Heart.) NEXT FRIDAY and he asked what songs and i said them... whatever belle and sebastian and a kings of convinience song and he was like Oh ya ive heard of belle and sebastian but ive never heard of that second one.. WHAT??? UR TELLING ME MR. KNOWS EVERY MUSIC EVER HAS NEVER HEARD OF KINGS OF CONVINIENCE???? WHAT TF KINDA HIP MUSIC DUDE HASNT??? and i was like *shocked face* you... Y-you... Havent heard of kings of convinenc..e....??? (exaggerated) and he was like.. ya... what are they.. 90s indie? and i was like Ya early 2000s indie and he was like Ya i never got into 2000s indie... wow what a LITTLE FREAK. so im better than him basically. (JK.). he asked if i needed help but i said Naw i got it (BECAUSE I DO BECAUSE IM FREAKING GOOD AT THE PIANO. ITS EASY. I SWEAR IM NOT BAD OH MY GOD.) and yk what this FREAK asks... Omg where is it... what day.. what time... OMG maybe ill show up.. Hhaaha Remind me! OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO NONONO. NOnNONoONO. THIS FREAK GOES... is ur family going.. and i said Naw. and he was like Oh just ur friends and i was like Yah.....

their discography is SO big so im making a thing to listen to every single of Montreal album from the begininning and they are all SO good.. i like listening to how their sound changes from indie to alt over the years its reallyREALLY cool... their og older albums are SOOO underrated.. oh MAN so good!!! but thats what ive been ON for the past.. while. and im rating all the albums in my notes and stuff. i Love you kevin barnes. Heart. anyways. im feeling very overwhelmed by life now i have something going on like every single day and im trying to get my last hangouts with my friends in and babysitting and asb and everything is just coming so QUICKLY!! i might explode maybeeeee!!! OMg ap scores came out and i think the internet is evil for existing. and i tried not going on insta. sigh... maybe i should stop caring so much MAYBE!~!!!!! anywaayyssss.... i just made a new playlist public... thank you punk rock for existing i am indebited to you and also i hate you why are you so impossible to play on the drums. SIIIGGHH!H!!!!!!!!!!!111 anyways//// this post took me longer than usual i was really distacted by a lot of stuff Hehhhhhh.............. oh my god the song im listening to is so good everyone listen to These Freaks by Dirty Fences RIGHT NOW WOWWWW i love this song thank you spotify!! anyways i am off... porbably to watch my new Fav show Komi Can't Communicate its SO GOOODDDD!!!!! i love it.. Lol... anyways Goodnight multiverse (pls come back i miss you) :33333 XOXOXOXXOXOOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXX

my really (un)interesting thoughts #23

lBLBLHABLblahblahba.alablblbalhbalhablahb

• Composed on

HELLO MONYAYERS OF MULTIVERSE!! it is me again... writing late at night because i had a busy crazy day!!!! but Alas i must grind it out for all the loyal monyayers out there... Yeah... For sure...... Erm.. this post might be shorter than usual bc im Lowkey really tired but ALAS I CANNOT MISS A MONYAY OR ELSE I DIE!! (im going to have to miss like 3 monyays later this month... i think ill die....)... well anyways i had a decently soli week this week!! i didn't have class today because like they had a 1 week summer vacation or something idk.. so ya no typical monyay updates on That.... Thank God... but ya..... Hmmm... whats the Vibe this week... well i went to monterey on a quick 3 day vacay this past weekend with my family and cousins and it was SUPER fun!! my sister.. .the one who came out to my parents... stayed home because she was really sick so that was sad.. but Tbh shes in a bad mood all the time whenever shes home sooo..... ya... OMG last i updated on her coming out i was talking about how the vibe is off.. and i was RIGHT. it WAS off... the next day on tuesday my mom sat her down and started going off about how her girlfriend is manipulative and bad and she wants her to break up with her gf... its not abt her being gay.. but it CLEARLY is bro....come on....

BY FOSTER THE PEOPLE

"Got shackles on my wings on tight

Beggin' makin' compromise

Fast enough it's hard to hide

Sometimes I want to disappear"

BY YAUCHT&CLASSIX

BY TANGERINE DREAM

like she made a thing about how normal relationships dont move that fast (they said ily after 4 months and are really reallllyyy close) and something about it being weird that her gf paid?? (her gf is like.. pretty stereotypical butch lesbian vibes... so makes sense for her to pay in my head....) but something about how MEN pay because they can provide but its WEIRD when its a girl... and idk all this crap. a lot of it is just like "if she were a boy then i'd think this and that" but... i dont think thats how it works!! really, fundamentally, lesbian relationships are NOT straight relationships. point blank. therefore, i do not think they can be COMPARED to straight relationships. lesbian culture and straight culture is WORLDS different and so behaviors and all that stuff WILL be different!!! like... its super common in lesbian culture to say i love you quicker or move quicker in relationships (think: u-haul lesbians)... because the way in which you form relationships between 2 girls is simply different than a girl and a guy. half of that is such the appeal for BEING a lesbian... like.. with 2 girls, the level of understanding and relatability between the two is so much deeper and happens quicker because you just understand eachother on that deeper level having gone through girlhood... and that just doesn't happen with straight relationships.. and thats fine.. my point is just.. its just fundamentally different and incomparable. and im not saying lesbian culture is better and that you cant get hurt.. because Ya its true that forming relationships where its quicker and deeper like that its way easier to get hurt (think: the stereotype that ur first lesbian breakup is the worst most horrible thing ever), and that could happen

"I used to live in a heartbeat city

I swear I'd fall in love every minute on the street

You might be walking around the corner

And our eyes might meet

Where you've been darling darling?

We've been holding this moment for you

to my sister for sure!! but also i think my mom just.... simply doesn't understand it.. and i think.. a lot of it... MIGHT be an excuse to dislike her relaitonship and be homophobic.. but also i think she just doesn't understand the culture of it and that she is comparing apples to oranges... and that she needs to view this relationship from a different lens. "if she were a boy" doesn't work because shes NOT!! shes a girl!!!! so she should see her as one!! idk i could actually go on and on about this topic,, i am very passionate about lesbianism..... but alas i have already been talking about it for way too long AND i already went on a twitter rant about it. so Ya i think that may have been why she stayed home from the trip. ANYWAYS the trip was so AWESOME!! we went to the aquarium.. and aa bunch of cool places and i got to hang out with my adorable little 10 year old cousin jonathan... i love him so much hes so fun.. my little best friend. he is super intense to be with sometimes... but we are literally attached at the hip when we are together.. hes so amazing :3 and my other cousin.. shes older.. shes so awesome too i love her!! she loves musicals and she is a graphic designer and shes so cool!! shes so funny.... she saw my little lesbian pin and complinented it and was like Omg its ur month! :3 and when we left she whispered Happy pride to me IM CRYING actually.. shes the one person other than my sisters in my family i have ever come out to and im glad i did.... i actually love her so much shes so amazing!!! It's the little things. Heh. Heheh. but anyway i had a cool awesome time at monterey... except for night time.. my mom snores SO LOUD its evil and i could barely sleep the whole time.. EVEN WHEN BLASTING SLEEPING MUSIC AND NOISE IN MY EARS... *shudders*... so ya im glad its over... but it was cool and i took lots of awesome pictures and im gonna make a montage tomorrow! so AWESOME!

hello there are no lyrics because this is tangerine dream but Holy crap i didnt realize how fire this WHOLE album is... ive been listening to a lot more TD recently and every time a song from this album comes up im like HOLY MAC. i love this song and i love the title of it. considering TD's long discography i always seem to love their newer stuff, oddly. well i love this song and i think its so beautiful!!!!!

BY of MONTREAL

i loooove my family!!! especially my eldest sister..... i literally have never appreciated her more than i have now... she is probably the best gal ever and im so lucky to have her as my sister!! growing up we were never as close.. and we still arent.. but just her presence! shes always around and never really in a bad mood and i can always go to her to ask her stuff about like anything or we can just chill in eachothers presence and its really nice! we went to get our nails done together (my mom and other sister had to go to urgent care cuz she was sick) and usually i dont like getting my nails done because 1. im embarassed because i have a skin picking problem so my fingers are scabbed up and every time i go they comment on it really condescendingly and its embarassing and horrible and i hate it and 2. i hate having long nails and usually its just uncomfortable and just.. not for me. but anyways Ya i went with my eldest sister and i was Lowk nervous like idk i havent gone in so long i was kinda stressed.. and my sister!! she went and whispered something to my nail girl!!! she nodded understandingly... for a second, just before she started doing stuff... and i have no idea what she told her but i assume it was about like.. not commenting about the state of my fingers maybe.. which i told her i was kinda stressed about before we went in.. and its literally so tiny.. such a small little thing that shouldnt really matter too much but she went out of her way to like... look out for me!!! and just Oh man. she is just the best ever and i love her sososoo much!! we went to sushi after and it was awesome. im SO happy shes home for the summer and i will enjoy every second!

"You don't understand what the morning does to me

In the poison daylight I can hear

Shadows crawling over everything

I'll go down on you if that would make you happy

My panda bear"

BY MARCOS VALLE

*lyrics translated from Portuguese*

"How good it is to live

Water to drink, will drink

Just like coconut water

Smell of desire, camaraderie

And perfume on the body

I like to stay in this delirium

Delirious with you

By your side, life becomes more beautiful

There's no crying, no pain"

i have just been really feelin like Wow. im so lucky to have her. i have some pretty awesome sisters i think. its real nice. !!!! annywyas my nails were rly cute they were staarrss!! ok anywasysss!! ok this is completely unrelated but i just needed to get this off my chest. OK LITERALLY I SWEAR TO GOD maybe this is me being a sensitive snowflake but i HATE the word bop. its so stupid and every time i hear it i cringe and tweak out because its literlaly just a new word to slut shame girls without saying the word slut like OH MY GOD how are we still ON THIS!!>!!!? "ouhhh thats bop behavior" SHUT UP!!!! why r people so obsessed with other people sometimes maybe... Ugh anyways i just had to say that. been on my mind. anywaayyysss.... today was pretty crazy and fun!! i was supposed to have kbbq with my 2 Main Friends this morning for lunch and then one of them invited her cousin so then it was 4 of us LOOOLL and then we went and da Biffle Bae WAS STILL ASSLEEEEPPP LOLOLOLLLL it was like 12 and we waited half an hour and SHE STILL DIDNT WAKE UP i was so Depresso... so it was jut 3 of us we went and ate without her and she texted like 15 mins later that she just woke up.. SIgh.... but the kbbq wasa so Bombb bro.. and it was chill but it made my stomach hurt. MmmMMM i think i love kbbq so much its probably the best thing ever probably. i Missed my biffle bae tho. anyway... for asb we have to do like.. admissions for the incoming freshmen or whatever and i SWEAR TO GOD NO ONE CARES BUT ME. kinda... they care but the president and vp like half-ass everything and it leaves the secretary, treasurer and me (historian) to do most everything.... and i think i care too much or they dont care enough because no one else seems as stressed out about this. or maybe they r all SUPER busy this summer or something idk. but its all so off track and im freaked.. but anyways i had to go to school today to hang up promo flyers SHOUTOUT DA BIFFLE BAE FOR HELPING ME IN DA HOT SUN! my realest 1!!

literally it took us an hour and a half to hang up 40 flyers in our deserted school over summer and i STILL need to make a poster or some crap... (because SOMEONE (the president) DIDNT THINK AHEAD and DIDNT EMAIL ANYONE UNTIL LAST MINUTE SO WE CAN GIVE A SPEECH so now the only way we can promote is THROUGH FLYERS AND POSTERS oh ym godds im so annoyed) its Watever... my flyers were cute.. and i got to post the application on the google classroom because the president was like in the car and couldnt do it.... so i felt important. I guess. whatever im still annoyed.. Pls care more PLEASE. or maybe i need to chill out and stop caring like everyone else. perfectionism is a blessing and a curse. also i feel like im overstepping my bounds as historian by taking so much charge in this but no one else is doing anything So. anyways after we hung up flyers then we met up with this OTHER girl who went to summer school whose friends with some of my friends and then there were FIVE of us.... and it was a Crazy dynamic... and we played monopoly and it was crazy and everyone cheated Bro literally whats the point of playing a game if u cheat... but i went bankrupt because someone was stealing all my money while i wasnt looking Sigh!!! ya it was chill tho Alas... the whole thing was just funny... Silly... anyways... i was WRONG this post is just as long as my OTHER POSTS!!!!!!! omg wait just thinking about how i learned about the freaky taxidermy lion today Oh my god i need to look that up again (WThanks BB) i always wonder if these posts ever make senesee im literallyt just blabbing about whatever i think about on here like Da frick.... this post was kinda Boring...RIP NICO... and i kinda had a chill week so Ya idk. thNks internet... i will see you next monyay :333333333333333333333333333

yap session

i should’ve just stuck to my journal but im hella bored like Hella

• Composed on

anyways i actually have nothing to talk about tbh... hmm..... hmmmmmmmmmmm....................... just give me a second

broken social scene's self-titled album

i want to skateboard but i'm still really bad at it. there are too many obstacles in my path to becoming the skater boy of my dreams rn...

i wake up too late so it's too hot out and i just cannot take the public humiliation of trying to learn how to skate out in the open. i wish i could just stay in my backyard or garage but there's no space. also.

anyways now i can never step foot outside again out of a paralyzing fear that the UPS guy is perceiving me.


i hate being unmotivated like this but also i feel like this is my default state. i am just lazy at my core i really believe that. ugh i need to do drivers ed... i KNOW it isnt hard but i just dont even wanna do anything at all

THE FUCKING UPS GUY.

i cannot stop thinking about when i was outside my house and this guy comes to drop off a package and he says "hey you're the kid that's always roaming around!" NOO I AM NOT... IS IT SUCH A CRIME THAT I LIKE TO ROAM...

anyways guys i really like marvel media and stuff but sometimes i'm like Wow the military propaganda is crazy. the copaganda is crazy!! i mean it's not like this is new or anything i've just been thinking about it. like i'm playing the ps4 spider-man game and why is my boy spidey just an extension of the police...



i'm really scared to go get my senior photos taken i kinda want to see if i can do it in like august instead. i booked mine for mid july but now im realizing that's pretty soon... i need to look better i really don't like my hair rn because it's too short i keep cutting it on impulse. also i have never taken a school photo and liked how it looked like Ever. i actually cant stand pictures in general i just cant be normal about them its so bad


also what if they don't have any suits in my size?? what do i do. i need to call and ask or something. my mom was like "yea i don't think they're gonna have anything for you" and i was like "yea i know... but there are short guys so maybe they will" and she was like "yeah but not short like you"

okay Ouch. okay whatever. like i don't even care it's like whatever.

that aside i like the game i really wanna get the 100% completion suit (it's literally just spider-man wearing nothing but his underwear and a mask im like lol Hey hi. that was weird somebody just typed that into my computer. the demons.... the demons r trying to tarnish my good name again..............)

completely unrelated but ive been thinking about this one tiktok that i saw that a lot of ppl liked/ reposted about neopronouns and i'm like. literally who gives a flying fuck "oh they make the community look bad oh people aren't gonna respect us" i dont fw respectability politics they're not gonna respect us either way. and i dont think the end goal of any marginalized communities' movement should be appeasing the people who dont even like them. and who cares if you think it's weird if they're not hurting anyone why does it even matter.

normalize being a weirdo freak loser because ultimately every single one of us is going to die and when your time is running out you're not gonna regret the fact that you didn't fit in you're gonna regret that you denied yourself things that made you happy.

quote me on that Yea. k i made this post like way too long this lowkey took me all day. like i said i do literally nothing. all day. Until next time interweb

guys im not gonna lie sometimes i resent how its so normal to make fun of guys for their height. i know its not that deep and im never gonna tell people that. but like idk i don't like feeling like my body is funny. sorry 2 deep maybe. i need to just thug it out but idk how.

im thinking i should get piercings and maybe i will be like Yay! i look awesome. i want an industrial ear piercing but idk if i have the anatomy for it :( same with like an eyebrow piercing. and i want just like a second piercing on my lobes or smth... ive been entertaining the idea of a septum piercing but my parents would probably not like it. but i feel like its a good face piercing to get because if i regret it its not even like the scars gonna show and its an easy piercing to hide if i need to. yk?

this is the only album i've been listening to lately and i mean that in the sense that i'm trying to listen to the whole thing but it's taken me like days to get through it. not because it's bad!!! i enjoy it a lot but i just am not listening to music constantly right now Like i said... sigh.... someone should make me a playlist or smth bc idk what to do with myself im like Help me help me!!!

anyways broken social scene rocks tbh

okay i have been in like a creative rut lately. like i cannot draw and i cannot get myself to write any music... i don't even listen to music rn... like on a day to day basis i do not put on a playlist or ANYTHING... it's really sad like why am i a freak doing things in dead silence. i'm gonna fix that right now actually and put on some tunes.


it's that time of year again. and by that time of year i mean i am once again reaching the point in summer break in which i don't sleep until 7 am and wake up at 4 pm even though i do absolutely nothing all day and time is just one big blur and i don't want to leave the house or my room and i don't feel like a real person. Haha. sorry maybe oversharing on the internet is a bad idea actually this is why i bought a journal

HELLO INTERWEB. sorry bad joke. HELLO INTERNET. i think that i do not overshare on the internet ENOUGH!! sometimes i'm like Yea i wanna get in on that. so that is what i am doing 2day. because i am inexplicably bored.

My Pace, My Life

Composed on

june journal 02

2024/06/25-26

• Composed on

this is from the michihara logh manga... they're just bros i swear

i return for what will nearly certainly be my final journal entry from taiwan. next monday morning i'll be on the first plane of the three i need to get back home. and then i'll be home. and then i'll be normal (?). ignore any evidence that says otherwise in this post i swear i'm gonna go on my normal arc and also get a buzzcut. not enlist in the navy tho

my mother sent me an email yesterday with a link to some articles she'd been reading about advice for reverse-culture shock, when exchange students return home. it's interesting to think about, because i still feel like i never had a serious culture shock here in the first place? one of the articles said students who adjust back to their home easily probably didn't adapt to their host culture that much. "is that me?" i worried. i remembered drinking with the dads last weekend at my final rotary meeting. one of them, the current youth exchange chair, said i was the best exchange student he'd ever met (bragging). i think i did a good job. that was my first time ever getting close to drunk, even though i drank less than usual. it's probably because the old man i've never ever compared to seafort was awkwardly singing karaoke in the front.

finally got my financial aid offer, got my first choice of dorm and a single, talking to someone on insta who'll be in the same dorm so i've already made my first friend there! made a mock schedule for my first semester but i still gotta talk to my advisor whenever i meet her. signed up for orientation events. "i can do college no problem i've already lived on the other side of the world for a year" WRONG i still had adults telling me what to do all the time man i ain't qualified for this... whatever we still gotta do it. because at college, there will be new people. and i can recommend seafort and rodrigo to new people. my priorities are good i think. thinking more about the future. i don't want to go into the field of astronomy. still going to major in astronomy though. for the funny math/phys classes. yeah.

time too! look at me go

i finished reading seafort! the last book was really good and i don't even mind the open ending. i'm so mature. i'm done with highschool forever and ever and ever. the last week was actually pretty nice since i just had to sit in the library instead of attend class so i got to read a lot.

i went out for food with a classmate after class for the first

f

f

yesterday i found an old seafort forum and a whole bunch of dead fansites from the 2000s. surprisingly amount of overlap between the americans fans who were serving in the navy and japanese fujoshis. the world is a beautiful place. (most of the art on this post besides the logh manga panels are from those sites)

wait i thought they were bros... what did tanaka mean by this then

i'd already planned to make two fanpages for rodrigo and seafort, but now i definitely have to in order to carry on this time-honored tradition. it's really nice to see fans passionate about the same things as you, even if they've all moved on by now. "hope is something you create with your own hands" - a speech abt shipping vn...

it turns out i'm still a normie when it comes to being a seafort fan. i've only read the series once in its entirety, and i certainly can't cite the regs. this summer, perhaps, when i get my hands on the physical books... it's nice to see other fans, but sad, too. lt arlene achieved her goal of studying journalism in the us and is now an editor of a major paper. midn fernandez passed away in 2013. one guy got married bc of seafort. the longest thread in the forum is a debate about seafort's sexuality. everyone remains civil and it veers off into a discussion of the futility of labels before finally being brought to an end by feintuch himself--seafort isn't gay. the end. huh?

pax!

i fell behind with in the last couple of weeks with my bible reading. not sure if i'll still be able to finish it before the exchange ends. we'll see.

s

i finished the main storyline of bully and i liked it so much! it's a really nice game. i've started working on an edit for it to msi's uncle... i've been reading the horatio hornblower series since it gets cited as the inspiration to seafort a lot, and while i can definitely see why.... it kinda sucks ass so far? despite being both more popular and better reviewed... slowly getting into it. it is why i found that forum, though (find out there's a hornblower fandom -> complain that it only exists bc of the film series -> go look at the film studio that bought seafort's rights -> if it was post-feintuch death, does that mean they'd be willing to let me look at book 8 too? -> what do we actually know abt book 8 -> FORUM), so it was good for something at least

when i first found the forum and fansites i made a joke wondering what terrible thing was coming in my future to make god feel this sorry for me. maybe the terrible thing was straight seafort. maybe the terrible thing was simply the knowledge itself. people once set up pbem (play by email) rpgs within the seafort universe. some guy once got marriage advice from feintuch himself. and i'll only ever be able to observe from the future. that's not the worst fate, i think.

barefoot through the grass and play soccer with my kid neighbor and pull weeds in the garden. i want to embroider felt crosses and learn how to properly pray the rosary and be completely and utterly bored as i lay in a patch of sunlight.

this summer i want to try and read all the unread books i have sitting around in my room. i want to catch crayfish and go swimming in the creek. i want to run

Vision broad returning in July!

Things!

• Composed on

Maybe do another check in month for Oct - LGBTQ history month!

Update again

Pride month update!

• Composed on

A little update on how my goals are going.

I've had to rearrange some things.

Being homeless is such a struggle on top of other things, so I'm focusing on reprogramming and doing the things while I'm housed.

I'm considering traveling again this winter, but I'll see what that looks like with my partner's birthday in Jan.

I found a place to live for summer!

In a part of focusing on health, I'm going to make an effort to get back on my bike(s) for the rest of summer, into fall.

Might consider a short bike tour. I've got alot to think about, and I'm be more considerate of other things after I'm housed.

I'm also putting more energy into being an unhoused educator.

my really (un)interesting thoughts #22

Plsease lsiten to the album White is Relic/irrealis mood by of Montreal PLaplsle its so good

• Composed on

BY OF MONTREAL

BY TELE NOVELLA

BY DARK THOUGHTS

Haliillooo internet its me again. bros... i miss this site... barely anyone posts on here anymore its so sad.... i also feel guilty taking up lke the entirety of the home page but i also literally only post once a week.. Sigh. anyways YAY we made it through another week and we made it through another monyay!! barely... my whole family is home now... both of my sisters are here at my house and now everytihing feels so family..ish..! anyways Freakdontsurf is back from his Vacay to alaska... Erm.... ya cuz he kept posting pics of him shirtless on some iceburg downing buzzballs HELP ME WHATS WRONG WITH HIM. ALL HE POSTS ABOUT IS BUZZBALLS NO JOKE. but he was back and i was kinda alright today.... So many 5 stroke rolls... SO MANY... and the Damn drum head was way to high for me so i was focusing so hard on not hitting the rim and not on the 5 stroke rolls and i was kkinda bad but tis Waatever. he asked me what i got up to in the past 2 weeks and idk why i didnt say something cool like "oh i went to 2 concerts!" "oh i watched inside out 2!" "oh i babysat!" but Nope i said "oh i just played games all day..." and he asked me and i said WIZARD101 LIKE A FREAK. he was like LOL thats so old.. you like that?? Help me. and then he asked me to freaking sing this thelonious monk song and i couldnt (cuz i didnt know the song well enough to remember) and i was so awkward and he was literally laughing at me and it was so emabrassing

"When things are too nice for too long

I lose myself, I lose my what's good

Want to lash out, want to blow things up again

I want to blow them up now

I want to blow them up again"

HEPLLPPP. so Yeah. something about transposing horn solos. Sooo guess whose listening to Striaght No Chaser and Nows the Time this week!!!!!!! ME. UGH. and then when we were changing rooms the like owner of the studio was like Zamn Nico i love your outfit you are lookin awesome (he was kinda dressed up in a colared shirt and belt and crap) and he whispered "i think my boss has a crush on me" so that was funny Ha Ha FREAKO. and then Idk piano was whatever just went over whatever isaac said last week of ii v i progressions and something.... common tones... he asked me if i knew the common tones of a line and i was like "dude......" and he waslike dude??? like BRO i literally told you like 3 seconds ago that when isaac explained it to me that i had no idea WHAT HE WAS EVEN TLAKING ABOUT. but i felt bad for calling him dude. but the dude ltierally Curses in front of me so its not like this is an uber professional Freaking thing BRAH. also he DMED ME ON INSTAGRAM WITHOUT FOLLOWING ME BACK FREAK ASS HOE (he was sending me a song). literally just text me. EMAIL ME. WH ARE YOU DMING ME ON INSTAGRAM WEIRDO. liike Thanks IG. and THEN on my way home i spot him in his stupid gray honda cr-v a couple lanes away from me and GUESS WHAT HE IS DOING. HE IS FREAKING ON HIS PHONE WHILE DRIVING. PHONE IN ONE HAND STEERING WHEEL IN THE OTHER FULLY DRIVING WHILE ON HIS PHONE. WHAT A FREAAAKKKK OMG. i was so Pissed. not really i was Jamming to Plateau Phase/No Careerism No Corruption by of Montreal ("Fricked in ur driveway... in ur drivewayy...") at that moment. NEVER TRUST A MAN THAT DRIVES A HONDA CR-V THAT IS LITERALLY A WHOLE ASS SUV!!! anyways that was the end... Please Brooke for the love of GOD practice this week... PLEASE!! all i do all day is eat hot chip play wizard 101 and rhythm heaven and go on ao3. i live a hard life. well anyways im ballin actually...

"The heart it seeks a story like the eye looks for a face

Her lovely style, her crooked smile

Thеy once have filled this placе

What went away? What could I say?

All she ever loved is right here

In all the world, one little pearl

For the oyster's autobiography"

"There's a sound only the kids can hear

Every time that they walk down the street

And I know they don't want us around

It's all ringing in my ears

Can you hear it ringing in my ears"

i had a pretty solid week. EXAMPLE A I WENT TO THEEEE OF MONTREAL CONCERT ON FRIDAY AND IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH KEVIN I SAW KEVIN BARNES IRL IN REAL LIFE ON THAT STAGE and it was the most amazing awesome time of my whole life im not exaggerating. i dont go to many concerts cuz im quite prone to getting overhwelmed in those types of situations so it waas a little scary but i had my Biffle Bae there and she liked it too and i discovered that if i just Really get into it into the music and the dancing and the flow of the crowd it is actually fun to be in a sweaty loud crowd!!!! so i was literally going Crazy in there like screaming all the lyrics and it was so much fun and the dancers on the stage were even cooler than i thought they would be and it was amazing. even though like... the demographic of of monteral fans is like... people in their 20s and 30s and literally half of them were drunk off of this earth and they shoved in front of us and somone started literally GRABBING AT ME and someone spilled their dirnk on me...and they smelled horrible and they were so sweaty and didn't know personal space... but it was wroth it for kevin. and they act just like he does in the interviews (obviously). I LOVE HIM HES LITERALLY SO AWKWARD AND LIKE QUIET AND THEN MAKES THIS AWESOME MUSIC. it was actually so awesome. now i cant stop listening to of Montreal. i cant stop listening. I CANT LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE. my Favorite band ever in the whole world. my dream came true. i actualy cannot stop talking about it to anyone who will listen i start like tweaking out. im new.....

BY OF MONTREAL

BY OF MONTREAL

im for Real a new person after this. i Literally peaked. SORRY I WONT SHUT UP ABOUT IT I LOVE YOU KEVIN BARNES. ok thnk you multiverse. anyways OTHER things happened this week!!! my sisters are home!!! my whole family is back together after a long timme and its nice... diffrerent from what i got used to. i love having my eldest sister around.. .shes amazing. my other sister came out to my parents last night (as bi... she has a girlfriend of four months)... and honestly thats terrifying. she saidnthey were like "u dont have to hide anything from us... wed like to meet ur gf.. we kinda knew" and all this stuff but it all feels off and i have no idea what they are actually thinking. and its not even me who came out but this sets the precedent for me and everything. but my sister was crying and all upset and shes going through an angsty moment which is understandable.. i would too. idk.. it all feels a little weird. and also... my mom Lowkey has problems with bisexual people (not a problem for me... just sucks for my sister...) like shes the mindset of like "just choose one" or just being weird about it and was saying questionable stuff about it today. i dont know. i feel sad and weird. but it was nice for me... my parents getting used to my sister being gay makes it easier to come out in the FAR FUTURE. i feeel bad for them. 2/3 of their daughters are gay... they have the whole spectrum too... HELLLPPPP. at least my eldest sister is a perfect angel who is going to be a housewife homemaker and have lots of grandkids for my parents.!!! also my dad is alwyays silent about that kinda stuff and its terrifying. idk... i feel bad and my sister has been acting weird and ive also just been mad with her recently so it all just feels off recently since shes back. i love her so much. also my mom got mad at me yesrtday because i went upstairs??? when no one was talking to me>>>??? while i was in the other room?like it wasnt that deep..

"My love has found somebody new

Though I should be cool, you know I do wish them

Only misery and for all his pleasures to corrode

If I could finish my jigsaw puzzle

I could start my life again

But I feel like I'm missing too many pieces

To make it to the end"

"In the sensory overload chamber

Massage the android until it turns on, die once every three minutes

Something to look forward to throughout your day

When people ask me my gender

I just tell them, "Brunette"

Oh, their brains are on peroxide

Phony pride speaks only when it should've cried"

and she went up to ask why i went upstairs and it seemed like i was not and i was like No i wasnt mad it was just loud down there and no one was talking to me and i was literally in the living room playing wizard101 when everyone was in the kitchen and she got PISSSEDDD like "why r u trying to act all autistic? so u can go to a loud concert with FURRIES and people spilling drinks on you and loud music but not be downstairs with ur loving family??" and she went ON AND ON ABOUT IT GIRL WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?????? SO MUCH SO UNPACK. iwas so MAD. what the hell actually. ok first of all hating on furries is literally so 2018 why are we still on this. OH MY GOD I CANT STAND FURRY HATE. sorry thats what i literally stuck on. like Come on girl what. and just. everything else. is just so... weird.. and Btw a conccert with one loud persisting MUSIC is different than lots of overlapping noises and voices and tv sounds. and also IT WASNT THAT DEEP LITERALLY I JUST WENT UPSTAIRS BECAUSE NO ONE WAS PLAYING WIZARD101 WITH ME ANYMORE AND THATS THE REASON WHY I WENT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACEFHKFJHSKDFJ. Girl. i was so.... Growls. Ugh i just had to get that out because isnt that so stupif??? literlalt Calm down. so yeah. anyways i babysat my favorite little 2 year old nadia twice this week and I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH!! she is just the cutest little baby i have ever darn met... even though her favorite word is No and she literally refuses to eat when i want her to... AND IM MAKING MONEY!!! FROM BABYSITTING!!! its not too much but its awesome!!!! i love getting out of the house and hanging out with my favorite baby and favorite dog ever. i always feel like im messing out or that im msissing something but i think im doing alrightish.... i also went and watched inside out 2 with my freidns and it was rllyyy good!! and we went to the park after which was inttttttteresting. i think ive come to the conclusion that i need to suck it up and just get the FOMO from missing out on like.. my church friends and stuff.. because they rly do not match my freak

and tbh they just make me feel bad about myself and say a bunch of shitty stuff around me and i just have to sit there and pretend its funny or else im sensitive or something and it sucks rly bad!!!! and i have to pretend to be this other person and ITS NOT WORTH IT! i went to church r=for this youth thing on wednesday and it was literlaly mid af. they just aren't my people. it uesd to be this really fun social thing for me (as my current relationship with religion is one big question mark) but now i just feel bad about it. they just!! arent my people i think!!! and thats ok i literally dont need to be the best person for everyone no matter how much i try to be.... but literally the biggest reason i go at this point is FOMO.... but now im literally not going to camp, i quit youth groups, and i dont go saturdays, im just so disconnected that its just not really worth it. i always say this but its ironic how the people super inolved with church are the meanest people... LOL.... anyways i am very content with my 2 awesome friends i love so much !!!!!!!!!! anyways i made this amazing watermelon shaved ice today and it was so good and soft and also i made RAMEN EGGS and they are SOoSosoOsooo good.!!!! and im going on a vacation to the NATIONS BEST AQUARIAM THIS FRIDAY!!! so ill Update on that next MONYAY!!! YIPPEE!! im so o! excited. I HOPE. YAY! gooooddnigghhtt multiverse.. (Please awaken again... i cant believe no one has posted on the All page in a WHOLEWEEK!! i feel so bad posting twice in a row...) XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX

my really (un)interesting thoughts #21

#20 is on tumblr.com/paranoicintervalz bc multivrse was down last monyay…. :P

• Composed on

BY OF MONTREAL

BY OF MONTREAL

hELLOOOOOO ITS OF MONTREAL WEEK AND MULTIVRSE IS BACK!! i couldnt post last week Rip. its ok i actually didnt have class so it workde out i supposeee (I SUPPOSE HEY!!). anywaysUHHH happy monyaaayyyy its monyay june 17 and Yurp. i had class today with a sub ISAAC!! my fave guuyyy! hes so cool actually. hes so much more silly than Frico. im still jsut as awkwkard though. LOL. anyways it was CHill. JK actually i think i have a fear of looking stupid in front of people actully Liek it sucks. sometimes i need to remind myself that im actually never gonna be amazing at things right away.. IMPATIENCCEE!! like with this class i always feel like the stupidest Gal ever but why TF would i be taking this class if... i Knew.. it all.. like waht. im taking it so i can get good because im NOT already good. and i get in this minset "omg hes gonna think im a Freak stupid who cant do anything"... but NO WTF. bro is NOT judging me im sure of it. i just like impressing people or mabes i just put my self worth on doing it all and trying to be as impressive as possible to other people because i Think soOoo! anyways i get a mental block and i need to make it go away. but also i couldnt understand like half of what isaac was talking about today in the paino bit... Tf... Smile and nod!!!! but i think its alright but i DID scream in the car afterwards because WHY aM I LIKE THISUHHHHH.:":"::}*(# or maybe im just rly awkward. i think i talk about this every week actually so maybe i should be Fresh. im just glad my Freaking audition is over (i sitll havent found out if i got in though)......... Sigh!! at least im going to an OF MONTREAL CONCERT THIS FRIDAY WITH MY BIFFLE BAE AAWESOME AMAZING IM SO EXCITED OF MONTERAL IS MY FAVORITE BAND EER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

song of da week

"The past is a grotesque animal

And in its eyes you see

How completely wrong you can be"

"The mousy girl screams, "Violence! Violence!"

She gets hysterical because they're both so mean and it's my favorite scene

But the cruelty's so predictable

It makes you sad on the stage

Though our love project has so much potential

But it's like we weren't made for this world"

i love of Montreal

sooo i am grateful for thaatt!! and id rather do that than idk instagram reels (whic h are evil and i am still on.. Sigh)... because it requires thikning... hey i also took apart and cleaned my gameboy advance i got from ebay and it was soooo GROSSS omg.... but i cleaned it so now i play RHYTHM HEVAVEN ON IT!! BECAUSE I HAVE ALL 4 RHYHTM HEAVEN GAMES NOW!!! poh MAN i love rhythm heaven. because the gameboy advance is so old it doesnt liek.. light up.. like the screen just deoesnt have lights.. so i have to use this silly lookin maginfying light thing you hang from ur neck to play it so it can light up the screen and i look really stupif its really funny....like the thing is meant for sewing or something.... but thats the Grind... anything for rhythm heaven!! and the gba rhythm heaven is so fun i cant stop playing.. UHGH I LOVE IT and i love the drum lessons on it!!! they are so hard i have to think so hard about it its actually so cool i love it... literally drum lessons irl... in my gameboy... its awesome. DON DON PAN PAN!!! so im literally BALLLINNNN!!! i think i actually am ballin actually. i have so much love for my family and i love love love my sister so much and im so happy shes home!! shes so amazing and i love having her around. and i had such a fun cute fathers day with my cute family and im so grateful for my cute little fam.. we play gartic phone and itss so fun :333333

"With you I can only see my black-light constellations

And other shit I don't think I have the language to say

I don't want to catch you with some other guy's face Under your eyelids

Something must be wrong

You give me emotional artifacts that can find no purchase"

BY OF MONTREAL

BY OF MONTREAL

BY OF MONTREAL

"I spend my waking hours haunting my life

I made the one I love start crying tonight

And it felt good

Still there must be a more elegant solution"

ok OMG the craziest thing happened last night im like still in shock. Idk it was weird and i feel a little gross weird about it like i am going to projectile throw up eeveyrwhere think!! my FREAKING ex gf FACETIMED ME HELPP WHAT THE HELL ACTUALLY. like for context we like completely didn['t speak to eachother since What december (other than the one time she facetimed me and was pissed i said something...its a long story) and we had eachother basically removed on eeverywherre. Help but she facetimes me and i FREAKED BRO and i answered and Literally she opens with "ive had a dream about you every night for the last 3 weeks and in one of them ur parents died and you were sad... so i just wanted to check in and get a life update" OH MY GOD WHAAAT. Tbh it wasnt that bad. like ive completely moved on and im really happy at my current Vibe. so it wastn like weird like that. and shes lkike talknig? with? a guy now so like Yursss good for her. but it was just so weird the way that we are completely different people now... and it makes me grateful (Help) that i... ammmm notttt that perrrson.... i mean Idk no judgement she can live Dat life!! liek good for her!! but Holy CRAP im glad i got out when i did, genuinely, some of the shit she told me was insane. i dont even know how to feel. like EWHWIPWPEWWEWEWEEWEWWWW like im gonnna throw up everywhere and Oh man. just. sometimes i like looking back on when we were together and i swear every time i do i realize how... Bad that relationship was like idk how it went on so long (Jk i do). well anyways. on one hand i feel a little gross and like i dont want to be reminded of the person i used to be when i was in that (horrible) and this just reminded me of That point of my life (and i would never, Ever go back. Omg) and on the other hand like Yeah we were friends! and it was nice to catch up with an old friend! and i guess we r Chill friends again. i dont mind?

"I can't keep up with the girl

She's not mine, though

She's not his either

Messy in love with the girl

I'm guessing the T

Is that she needs variety, oh, oh

I can't keep up with the girl

Are we just the quarry,

In her sex safari??

"Staying in touch is making us boring, voiceless is underrated, I think it's dumb and I

Really hate it

I must vilify us to make you special, I know my compass is beyond retrieval, I'm just

'illuminations' and 'flowers of evil'

Like a flittering squirming dying insect you got glued to your ceiling"

it was funny cuz she told me like Evverytthing thats happened to her and it was all this and even all her romantic ventures which like i didnt mind it was interesting LOL..but also Help some of it was craay... but my life updates were not nearly as interesting or anything at all... i had a couple but idk i am kinda ballin. i felt kinda boring Tbh. but im glad... but i do know one thing and its that IM SO GGRATEFUL IM LESBIAN oh my god i mso grateful and happy and im reminded to bask in that happiness that i never have to be with a man. GOD BLESS AMERICA. well anyways that whole situation was kinda weird but also at THIS point being so detached from that relationship and so over it, its just like... okay sure i guess. like that realtionship was fucked up and horrible but its over and now we are living really separate lives and just... caught up on them. so yeah.... idk.. its weird.... but not like Taht kinda weird and theres no way in ANY life i would EVER go back. but idk i guess its whatever... i dont really hold grudges like dat nor do i make like... associations.. idk how to desceiribe it. just so random and out of the blue it cuaght me off guard!!!! anyways.... this past weekend i went and i saw alan parsons project live!!! with my fam and it was so SUPER COOL in koreatown and we went to the most delicious kbbq ive ever had in my entire life Omosgmgmg it was so good i just about died it was so good ive ever had that good of kbbq in my life and im still thinking about how amazing it was. and we had snow bing soo after and it was just the most perfect day!!! and i had fathers day at my cousins and i just love my cousins so much.. my little 10 year old cousin is so cute and i love him... HES SO FUNNY hes like.. an internet kid. and he told me he was asexual my litttle KInNGGGG.. HES 10 *CRY EMOJI* HAPPY PRIDE month. HeH. Ugh hes my little best friend. and i love my older cousin shes so awesome and amazing and sweet and cool.

like actually that has been my whole personality this whole week and i wont shut up about it (sending a big apology to my family....... Oops)..... im probably gonna die at this concert and its so cool cuz they have little background dancers??/ people??? that wear this AWESOME eccentric funky cool costumes and just run around the stage and be cool and awesome and OH MAN I MIGHT JUST DIE IM SO EXCITED I LOVE YOU KEVIN BARNEEESSSUUGGHH!!!!! YAYYYY!!! so i think thats the most awesome thing to ever happen! but DUDE ive been going absolutely NUTS this week!! summer is so WACK!!!! all i did is play wizard 101 and guess who got to KARAMELLE!!! i actually get so into wizard101 like when im in the mode i actually become a crazy person its scary. i have a character, her name is brooke swiftwhisper, and she is a level 148 death wizard and i quest with my mom, her wizard is named scarlett rosethorn and shes a level 149 fire wizard!! and we are in karamelle right now trying to discover who SUCKED THE OLD ONE INTO A BIG HOLE IN THE GROUND AND ALSO WHY NANA IS EVIL AND MAKING KARAMELLE INTO AN EVIL CORPORATION!!!its so awesome no one understands actually its the best thing ever!! and i finally FINISHED MY CRAFTING QUEST!!! i got all 45 flying squid ink and that took me forever so now im a REVERED crafter and i finished all the crafting quest??? (i didnt know it stopped after revered?!?!?!)... so YAY!! its so grindy to do it though.. i dont understand how people do it and skip all the dialogue because i LOVE the dialogue and the story i feel like i get so into it and i have little cute headcanons for my characters and its so cute and awesome and i love this game so much and it such a nice way to spend time with my mom! she doesnt mind when i get..intense abt it.

and we r going to monterey with them next week and im rlllylylylyyy excited YYEYYY!!!! AND IM FORCING MY FRIENDS TO SEE INSIDE OUT 2 WITH ME BECAUSE I NEED TO SEE IT SO BAD i lloooveeee inside out and inside out 2 LOOKS SO GOOD AND IM SO EXCITEEEDDDDQ!!!!!! i feel like i was so stressde out last weeeeeeeek over everything but now i fee llike i have things under control and im... in control of myself.... an d stuff. so im happy about that. im still an evil instagram reel and young sheldon addict... (not something i am proud of) but also its literally sumemr so maybe i should just let myself just Chill for a while. Omg my faovorite of Montreal line jsut played "when people ask me my gender i just tell them brunette" [-Marijuana is a working woman] KEVIN BARNES I LOVE YOU this is literally me. ugh Kevin is literally me. KEVIN I WILL SEE YOU ON FRIDAY :3 YAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! Uhg i have so much love in my heart what a nice little Time Heeheeheehee :3 well anyways i hope All here on multiverse had a lovely beautiful monyay and have a goood night.. woah i dont think ive ever been done with a multiverse this early (9:27 PM)..... crazy.... weell GOOD NIGHT C U NEXT MONYAY!!!

So I gratuated high school??

Composed on

The last time I was here it was my first year of high school now I'm officially a high school graduate!

I got into the folkhögskoal I wanted to (basekly a program preparing me to continue my studies in art. I want to continue my studies as a product designer or some kind of design major afterwards

I have genuinely had the best school year of my life. I have never been this happy and mentally stable since I was 12!

I will try to limit my social media consumption and read more as well as spend the summer drawing, baking, hanging out with freends and being outside.

But I see that I did not get a summer job/part-time job as the payment for my happiness. I am planning on starting up my job hunting agen on Monday.

I had all my family and freends over for a celebration lunch and got to talk to my cousin we have not seen each other much since her mom my aunt died.

even though the weather has been rainy and cold like 10-13 Celsius for about a month now, we might get some warmth here up north!

june journal 01

begging on my knees for you to read the seafort saga. 2024/06/06

• Composed on

not much has changed, but i want to do another one of these so i'm just gonna ramble a whooole bunch :3

1. ended up reading the next two books in the seafort saga, cuz i didn't actually ever finish that series. not reading the last book yet though, because i'm happy enough with the ending of the 6th book and fear a cliffhanger in the last book, since feintuch died before he had a chance to publish the 8th. but ohhh boy. those books. idk why i waited so long to read them bc the implications they have for the rest of feintuch's work is crazy.

sticking with the limited palette again, it's a fun challenge and helps the final result look more cohesive even if it doesn't look quite as cool as it could w/ color.

2.a. in book 5, we have a new protagonist, seafort's son (pt). we set him up with the usual best friend arrangement (jared).

4. okay, maybe "wins" is a bit of a stretch. the only part of the curse they break is the "figuring out the feelings" thing, not the eventual death of the best friend. as seafort watches jared die because he's too slow to save him, he goes back to calling him pt's "friend." he holds the shoulders of his own "friend" (fifth edition, seafort goes through best friends faster than wives) as he dies. and yet.

2. you see, feintuch gives every one of his protagonists a gay best friend. this friend loves the protagonist, and while the protagonist may use the word "love" a whole lot (and even have a sexual relationship, in rodrigo's case), the protagonist never fully returns the feelings. they move on, settle down with a girl (or three girls, in seafort's case, bc they keep dying/going insane). yet this doesn't make them happy. okay. there could be a lot of reasons for that, it doesn't mean they would be happy with the best friend character. sure. sure. until you get to book 6.

3. yet in book 6 we're back to seafort as narrator. okay, what happened to pt and jared? oh. ohhhh. they broke the curse. they broke the cycle. they've been living together for five years, dating for longer, and are considering adoption. seafort calls jared his 'son in law.' and they're the happiest any seafort protagonists have ever been. all that effort, into showing exactly how they followed in their forefathers shoes in the last book, and feintuch says the right decision was to love each other. love wins.

5. a timeline that repeats, over and over and over. emotionally distant parents, near death illness, gay best friend. become a man. and yet the man that was happiest was the one who both accepted (seafort couldn't) and returned (rodrigo couldn't) the feelings of his best friend. the year is 1999. when i first started looking for this series after reading rodrigo of caledon, i could only find the sixth book. over and over and over again. and in the end, they were happy.

do you like space (the retro scifi kind)? do you like the navy hierarchy (or at least watching characters struggle in it)? do you like characters racked with calvinist guilt (catholics have nothing on seafort)? do you like insanely codependent office relationships between two men who really reallly really should just be court martialed? read the seafort saga i'm on my knees broo. not eddie boss on my knees in front of seafort. but i'm on them.

i made a joke about making my own space navy characters and then accidentally followed through and got wayyyy too attached to them. what if you were a seminary student on your final pilgrimage before becoming a priest but this annoying midshipman won't leave you alone and the ship computer somehow knew about your childhood best friend who only exists in your memories and you know was never real? also your name is boyer. it's the future you gotta have a stupid name okay. i am a responsible creator and did not make these guys up because i realized msi's "5tr82he11" wouldn't fit one of my pre existing ocs bc none of them believe in hell. what

got really into listening to msi lmaooo. i'd been exclusively listening to "sex for homework" for a couple weeks before my best friend (if we were feintuch characters he'd be the protagonist and i'd be the best friend. but like. just alexi or tyre level though not like derek or vax. okay maybe vax but not jason) pointed out that i had it on one of my oc playlists and recommended the band's album "pink". and that shit was good. got the guy i'm the feintuch protagonist for to listen to it too, and then listened to the album "<3" a couple days later. listened to "you'll rebel to anything" today but didn't like it as much as the last two.

back home in 25 days. chinese class is done (german girl kissed me on the cheek as i stood up to do my final presentation. we've barely talked sense). school all week now but tuesdays and thursday are just in the library. getting back into chess (getting better at endgame, usually my weakest part). getting closer to finishing an online calculus course. found a collection of nobel prize winner literature in the english section of the library, reading a physical book for the first time in ages (already nearly to 100 for the year).

on the bus home from our final rotary trip, my classmates cried. i didn't. i felt happy about that. i hadn't made any emotional attachments. as always, i'm ready to move on. life is a stream, i'm okay if it whisks me away. but then i used to modicum of emotional intelligence left in my half asleep head, and realized that while i would never be as sad as them, i'd never be as happy as they had been either. i thought about this, closed my eyes for a while, and opened them. when they gave advice to the future exchange students, they emphasized always going out when they were invited. i didn't do that. if i'd done that, could i have been one of them? then i realized that was stupid. when i did go out with them, i was stressed out. maybe we could've been better friends, but i do genuinely enjoy myself better alone. could i have had as many happy memories as i did (because thinking about it, i did have plenty) if i'd been forcing myself into a state of near constant anxiety to hang out with them? probably not. it's the past now.

i think a lot about how nice it would be to have a best friend who i could tell everything to. yet i only just realized to do that, i'd have to tell someone things. i arrive at an impasse. "i've made no close friends here," i say. "what about emanuel?" eli asks. "oh, i just hang out with him because it's convenient." i say this, but sometimes i worry he understands me better the person i call my best friend. he's read rodrigo, he's read seafort, including my annotations. he's watched most of logh, he listens to msi when i share earbuds with him. he knows i'm in love with myself. he makes ur mom jokes on my behalf to igor. if that's just convenience, what have any of my friendships been?

i worry that because i'll never be as trusting as a child again, i've forever missed my chance to have a life changing best friend. when i was a kid, i was alone. i had friends at school, but we didn't hang out afterwards. half my memories aren't real. i remember people i've never met and places i've never been. i miss someone i never knew. i look in the mirror and i see her.

pax.

started playing bully! i love it so far i haven't had this much fun in a game in ages

when i was reading book 5, i was really scared. i saw my younger self in pt, the kid who was too fast at school work and well liked by adults because he knew how to act around them. i saw myself in jared, closer to my current self, upset at the world and everyone around him. unable to trust anyone. i knew jared was going to die and i was so sure it wasn't going to be fair. pt would always be loved and jared would always be hated. but that wasn't what happened at all. they found their own love, they grew up. they blundered and improved. time is a stream, change is inevitable. maybe, you just have to hope for the impossible (a feintuch protagonist being happily in love with his best friend). no need to get calvinist about it.

my really (un)interesting thoughts #19

first monyay of summer! (i ran out of things to think about)

• Composed on

HAI MULTIVERSERSS happy monyayyy!! keepin this going over summer :3 currently listening to britpop because yesterday i fell down the raabit hole of First music videos.... then live concert vids.. then vids of Blur... (the girls & boys music video is Fire) and then the rabbit hole of the awesomeness of damon albarn... gorillaz and blur? thats so awesome possum. anyways yey! its monyay! and this marks like 5 days until my jazz band audition is due and i am absolutely terrified and screwed... but i have nothing to do this week except practice and maybe im getting the hang of it!! i think... ill be OKAY. for piano. im just not gonna turn in the drum one i think. Sorry Nico. Sorry. dude he goes so over on the classes literally he went an HOUR OVER BRO. da frick. hes going to alaska or something for the next two weeks so literally when he was already 40 mins over he was like.... oh i guess ill just go 2 hours today and then u wont have a sub or class next week. Sigh. so no monyay next week (ill still post.) and we did lots.. of drum and piano.. SO MUCH. i like exploded ive never had to think this hard in my life.

BY ALL

BY SCREECHING WEASEL

BY BLUR

BY BLACK FLAG

"The world's on heroin

Everybody is standing in my way

I try to use my brain

Stupidity is thrown in my face"

"There's a real cool club on the other side of town

Where the real cool kids go to sit around and talk bad

About the other kids

Yeah, it's a real cool club and you're not part of it"

i literlallly have no words for it. im exited for this audition to be over and then my lfie will begin for REALLL! literally... just constantly workin hard. (hardly workin. i barely practiced). but i think i understand everything. it just needs practice. an d stuff. and i atually swore off social media this week!!!!!!!! so NO DISTRACtIONS!!!! me and some of my friends are doing it cuz idk church told them or something and now im copying them. no insta or T-t-t-twitter... or facebook (i broke it a bit. i didnt know facebook counted!!). and its hard i want to literally overshare on my insta close friends BUT I CANTTT!! but at least i can here. this doesn't count as social media... right. no one will know. Hehe. LOL anyways nico wrote "lock in!!" in a freaking email after class and i thought it was funny... so hip cool kid i guess. im so awkward. he was asking me questions bcecause we were taking a break or something and i told him about my sisters and.. that im going to an open mic this friday (not performing Lol) and that i need to buy a screwdriver this week. and hes going to alaska (is scared hes going to get eaten by a bear???) and has a sister 4 years older in nursing school but she hates school (then why go into nursing school??? what...) (i already knew he had a sister. sigh). and then he said something about the lead sheet being fucked up and i thought it was funny, it always surprises me when like.. adults (although hes like a kid. but still a teacher) curses. i grew up wayyy sheltered. *SHUDDER*. but everything is CHANGING!! and Independence. i can do WATEVER I WANNA!!! and its so aweomse!!! im so sad i have no monyay next week!!!!

i waas probably gonna get isaac as my sub and that wouldve been AWESOME because i love isaac hesssooo COOLLL dude and i lvove stalking his spotify cuz he has good stufPleaf on there!111 ill get him next NEXT monyay.... BRAH. k isaac... PLEAK!!! i wish i was a cool hip long haired indie boy who is really good at jazz and drums and guitar and bass and piano and everything ever. ugh i HATE THEM ALL. ok does anyone else get this way but i like it when people talk about me or somehthing about me when im right there and i could say it myself. like.eeee.... i was just out with my friend and she was liek talking to other people and was like "oh omg brooke had this crazy thing happen to her and her friends ... blah blah blah" LIKE THIS STORY I COULD TOTALLY SAY MYSELF BUT SHES TELLING IT FOR ME TO THE PEOPLE WHEN IM RIGHT THERE!!! i actually love it when people do that because like Omg you were listening to me when i told you that random thing that happened?? ANd u want to tell other peoplee for me ?? :3 that happened witwh nico today idk the owner came in and asked why we were going so song and he was like "oh ya she has an audition blah blah" or something and that made sense but like idk was like Omg!!. maybe i just feel so woman when i hear people use pronouns for me ever I gues.s. like Hahah Girly hooo you were listneing to me taaljkkkK!!!!! i liek feel like a super spy sometimes because i ltierally dont care abt pronouns or gender or crap like it doesnt matter and technically i use any pronouns but i stopped telling people that because.. too much effort and no one gaf anyways

"When I feel heavy metal

(Woo-hoo) And I'm pins and I'm needles

(Woo-hoo) Well, I lie and I'm easy

All of the time but I'm never sure why I need you

Pleased to meet you"

"I wouldn't be without my TV for a day Or even a minute

Don't even bother to use my brain any more

There's nothing left in it

We've got nothing better to do

Than watch TV and have a couple of brews"

BY DESCENDENTS

and either way like i look girl call myslef girl and thats what everyone calls me thsese days so i guess thats what i be but secretly... secretly in my head i know what i am (i dgaf about it. thats what i am. (jk the word for it is gender apathetic but literally who cares. not me LOLOL)). anyways maybe thats why it surprises me when people talk about me with pronouns to me..... maybe just dont percieve me.!!! and i know usisng like.. diff pronouns but not telling anyone defeeats the whole purpose... but like idk. i just like knowing it myself. and then in the tiny rare ocassion soemone calls me something different its alwasy like Nice. i used to tell people but now i just avoid the question. like when we share prnouns in groups and stuff LITERALLY i just dont say them... idk. STAY MYSTERIOUS! (too mysterious. thats not something ur suposed to be mysterious about..). anywyas... i still like it when peopel talk for me when im right there. like thanks for listening to what i told you about myself!!! like Yey!! im happy its summer. this is my awesome girlboy summer (HAH). im liking the life without social media. even youtube vids are better than the endless instagram reels. this is the start of a neewww meeee and my hair is growing out and i can drive anywhere i wannntt! speaking of driving, the other day i was out at my friends house for my friends birthday and i was out for a long time (she lives like 5 mins away from me) and it was like 10:30 and i was like... i dont have a curfew... my paresnts are probably worrided about me! and i texted my mom and i was liek we should probs establish and curfew (cuz i dont want my parents worried. i know they get pretty worried. and now i can drive and dictate that stuff!!). and my friends were Freakkked

like Why tf would u ask ur parents for a curfew. and maybe it was stupid LOL but i hate worrying them. anyways they made it like 11... and they are RLLLYYY chill and its nice how chill they are (they let me drive 45 mins away to pick something up at a mall alone!!!!! it was so scary and i was shaking by the end. and then i looked up a youtube video on how to do a left turn. and now i feel a lot better about driving!!! living and learning!!!) . so the least i can give them back is not worrying them. so yeah... im gonna try to make a like... daily agenda to keep me on track each day because i can get distracted so easy and i need to get out of the house or else ILL GO CRAZY AND INSANE. haha. HAH. i should go to the park one day. to play rhyhm heaven (thats what i did oneyear and it was rly fun!). and so i made my list for tomorrow.... i hope i stay on top. june is a pretty bare bones month for me, everything starts picking up in july so yeah. just gotta get throguh this month. i hung out with a friend yesterday at my hosue that i usualy dont hang out with. we played rhythm heaven and zelda and it was fun... and i lieked hearing their crazy stories and stuff. its nice getting a diff perspective, but also, this person has gone through crazy shit in and out of psych hospitals and sometimes i just dont know how to respond. Oh man! it was cool we hung out tho. random! but still cool! they get me. i like the people that Get Me.

"Well bring it up and never touch the ground

And when you need me i'll be around

This is how it's gonna be if you don't get sick of me"

Yeah obviously!!!! :P... i feel like my life has slowed down so much... its a little too nice and smooth. ITS TOOOOOOO NICE AND SMOOTH. everythign is different now!!!! if i knew id be here a year ago... idk how id feel!!! happy..... sad......... idk. i miss my sisters though. I MISS THEM SO MUCH. being an only child freaking SUCKS! thats why i love my friends sosososo much because i dont have those rocks in my life anymore. being the youngest sucks so bad. but independeennnncccceeeeeee!!!!!!!!! all the seniors graduated and i thik its crazy ill never see those people evver again in my life. like theyre gone.wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thatll be me in a year. i think its crazy we cant tell the future. ill never know where ill be in a year... until im THERE! ill know what college im giong to... probably everything eeverr!! hopefulyl my hair is longre!!! LOL.. HEHE. anyways... i think thats all for today.. kinda a boring monyay,, sorry.. but please wish me luck on my jazz band audition!! (IM GOING TO NEED IT.) see ya next monyay :PPPP

in a bit of a daze

Composed on

did a little bit of mopping and sweeping - just kind of decompressing from having company over since last night until this past noon. it was overall a wonderful time, with good conversations, affection, vulnerability and just.. moving through some emotions. and just really relishing in the company.

now i'm feeling a little bit foggy. very much myself. and i'm sure the constant screams about the world at large is not far from my mind. but right now i'm just.. letting my mind drift for a moment.

Updates

Composed on

I know it's been a little bit too long since I've been on here. But it's always a treat being able to log in and do this kind of little.. hidden spot of documenting and thinking.

The year has been passing by quite quickly and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm still carrying a lot of grief and anger around the multiple genocides going on around the world with the US often at the center or at least being a major player behind the,

It's disgusting how the West operates off the subjugation of so many others. It makes anything that I do here feel oddly rotten and empty a lot of the time. And yet, I still have to be in some form or fashion and that's not easy to do - when everything feels so tenuous anyway.

Additionally.. I am just growing more into myself, making more art. writing more. making little beats, playing around with sound. I suppose creation in the midst of the terrors .. is something. It's not enough. Would never be enough along with study, with gathering with carrying the grief and talking about what's hurting to as many as I can to spread, spread, spread all that needs to be known and continues to need to be surfaced.

Idk.

There's a strange place to be - trying to slow down and yet it feels like everything is heightening at the same time. The contradictions that I am learning more about each day is a lot to undertake. But I feel compelled to do it, I can't turn away from what is, what has been happening - in order to try and face and push towards what could be.

Bringing it back!?

Renewed visions!

• Composed on

Food reviews are back! Resumed FOOD STAMP FOODIES TODAY! Very excited about that! I love food and I love sharing good food suggestions with people!

I'm getting back into zines this year!

Going to make my first zine VERY soon.

Might make it about my backstory of being homeless. I'm also thinking up art zine ideas.

Finally gonna commit to T this year. See what that looks like. Gonna look into voice training, too.

Might bring back a cab - my mutual aid to pay for people's rideshare. I'll see about that one, tho.

my really (un)interesting thoughts #18

im Fr going to waitress hell

• Composed on

hello multiverse Freaks. its Meeeeee.... happy MONYAY! yay!! MEMORIAL DAY MONYAY. (tongue out emoji). Yeisss. ltos to talk about today. if i remember it all. maybe. anyways. Dude... i think im the most embarassing person ever on the planet. slash awkward. Sigh. ok but progreresss... i guess... no idk what im saying. anyways. i went to my STUPID freaking thing today. and guess the FREAK what. my audition is LESS THAN TWO FREAKING WEEKS AWAY. i might as well just go and explode and die before it hits june 9 because there AINT NO FREAKIN WAYY. its over for me. genuinely. sighh. anyways. so i went to a kraftwerk concert on friday and it was SICKKK like so cool i actually love kraftwerk SO MUCHHH!!! it was so cool and there were so many Hip millenials there it was insane.... i was so excited. i got this sick shirt and i wore it today to see it Freakdontsurf would say anything about it (because i like social experiements)(jk i just like looking cool... Ohh kraftwerk sooo Underground... SHUT UP) anyways my plan worked because he was like kraftwerk... i love them thats so sick.. i was like Ya i just saw them!!! on friday!! he wasl ike WATTT i didnt know they were having concerts? and i was like Ya Lol. it was so cool. Luv them. i saw Man Machine.. that album... and he was like Ermmmm... adn i was like the Red one... the one with the model... and he was like.. WATT thats the best one!!! that and computer world and trans europe express! and i was like ya those r pawwwsome.... it was so cool... Luved it

BY DESCENDENTS

BY OPERATION IVy

BY THE HEX DISPENSERS

BY ADOLESCENTS

"So now you wait for his spark, you know it'll turn you on

He's gonna make you feel the way you wanna feel

When he starts to lie, when he makes you cry

You know I'll be there, my day will come

I know someday, I'll be the only one"

and he was like U go to lots of concerts? and i was like ya im going to more this year..adn he was like Which ones.... (YES MY PERFECCT OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK COOL AND HIP WITH ALL THE COOL AND HIP CRAAP IM SEEING. not really. Sigh). and i was like.. Yaaaaaa of Montreal... heavenly... and bikini kill... (i forgot im also going to david gilmour i guess too. didnt mention it. Wtv.) and he was like Omg thats sick.... i didnt know of Montreal was having a concert... when is it... then i started TWEAKIN OUT i waslike HahAhahAhuA Omg of MONTREAL IS MY FAVORITE BAND EVEERRRR hAhaHAha I Love HTem... ya its on June 21.. AHAHA.... and he was like Omgg.. a thursday.. i need to see if i can go.. ive seen them before.. its just that one guy right? (HES SEEN oM BEFORE??? OH MY GOSDDASFSD.) and i was like YasAsss.. SHHahaha Kevin Barnes... LOVEHIM.... HAHAH... iM SsoOosoo ExxCCiteddDddDd... so that was a good interaction. i was only a bit weird. Yiss. we did drums for the whole hour (AND 20 extra minutes what is wrong with him he is not getting paid for going overtime on every single damn class Bro. and i lowk suck. i lowkey dont wanna audition the drums because tehres no point i have no chance but i dont have the heart to tell him so.. Yeah. just have to work. twice as hard. and it sucks cuz half the Crap we're doing it like not translatable to my crappy aleisis electric kit so i cant rly practice. and esp the stupid positioning of my STUPID RIDE. i have no Freaking freedom to move anything with that damn kit and literally it sucks... and my stool is too high......

"Try to describe it to the limit of my ability

its there for a second then its givin up what it used to be

contained in my music is somehow more than just sound

this inspiration coming and twistin things around"

but im grateful i have it in the first place. drums is such an inaccessible instrument Dude. yeah. well anyways.. for some reason the studio got new cymbals... and i hate how they sound... they r like real cymbals but they r WEIRDDD and loud (yeah Idiot cymbals are loud... Ru dumb). they threw me off.... and the ride sounded weird.. but also ive only ever touched one irl acoustic drum set in my life and its the one from that studio so i think im being silly. Heh. we did.... stuff.. idk... jazzz.. practice... stuff... idk... tried my best. he MADE M.e.... FORCED ME... to like... idk mouth drumm...scat... IDK THE WORD but like vocalize it... and it was so horrible and awkawrd i almsot died right there and then. IM SO AWKWARD. FORCED ME FOR LIEK 5 MINS TO. ig... he was being funny about it... "THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS" "bboom tch cop boom bom da da da ba boom ssss da da clap" so Yeah. SIgh. i did it... i Swear im good just when im alone... too much pressure all the time i cantthanddleitt... wahtver. soloing and crap... bossa nova... Workinnn on it! and he made me... gotoo... piano.. and i did so bad.. and its so hot in there.. and i suck... and i almost died right there and then "ur face is so red" HOW ABOUT YOU GO AND DIE HOW ABOUT I CRASH MYSELF INTO A TREE ON THE WAY HOME HOW IS THAT RED FOR U "its always so hot in here!" STOPPPPPPp EIDIOTTIOTJSOITHDFPGBJK. so Yah. and then i screamed and listned to rebellious screamy girl music on the way home.

"We are scientists in our lab

Looking through the microscope

The little glass slides, they never lie

How can this small mind cope?"

Hehehe. I love being dramatic Hheehehe :333 so that was MY monyay. lowk my fault for not practicing all week other than today. so ill really get it in this week. i sweaer I WILL DO IT! NO MORE OF THIS!!! yayyy....!!! its finals week... but i already feel like school is over. literally school gets out like 10-12 this whole week and i have ZEEROOOO finals. so im litreally chillin!!! so yep! i had kinda a crazy weekendddd too.. well friday was kraftwerk and itwas awesome. and on saturday i had my asb banquet (thank god... i dont have to see many of those people ever again..Haaha..) and it was ok... dude like people in asb r a different breed and the amount of casual body shaming and fatphobia from those people are insane and shocking that we are at this point. like genuinely. it was this breakfast thing and i constantly heard "big back" "fatty" how about shut up and let people eat? idc if its a joke? its.. not funny??? no one wants to hear you body shame yourself or anyone else? ok there was this like this pastry bowl with pastries and cinnamon rolls and muffins (it was a brunch banquet) and this girl was like "omg guys i love pastries!!!! does no one else love pastries but me??!?! what!!" and this other girl next to her was like "maybe im just not fat..." OK WAHT.?? THATS NOT NORMAL. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. HOW HAVE WE AS A WORLD GOTTEN TO THIS POINT. and then the first girl who likes pastries was like "ok.. pass me the fat bowl.." Dude. there is no way this is real.

"There’s nothing in this world that I would trade for you

And the air that moves between us must be bulletproof

My love Is a bat

Your heart Is a hemophiliac"

genuinely i dgaf that its a joke this whole "trend" of body shaming and fatphobia is reinforcing horrible horrible things in girls that it shouldn't and i dont understand why its funny. how the hell has this shit become normalized? or after the banquet (after like 10,0000 unfunny big back jokes. have you ever considered... that we need to eat... to live??!?!?!? that eating is.. normal.. and good??) some of them came to my house after to decide the asb list and the same thing. "omg guysss.. i cant eat these chips im literally so fat... someone stop me... im literally such a big back" -the skinniest person (while we were ALL eating chips. stfu). not to MENTION it reeks of fatphobia.. talking about being fat like its horrible and terrible and all this shit???? please shut up please please if i hear ONE MORE joke about it from a skinny person or if i see ONE MORE stupif ass weight loss instagram reel that has horrible unheatlhy 'tips' i am going to start spiraling and i literally swear to god i cannot deal with it anymor.e. i actually needed to step out of that banquet room it god so bad. it god so bad i was on the verge i cannot. have. this. happen. i swore this wouldnt happen this summer. so maybe writing it out will give me the... idk.. discipline to not fall back into bad habits. so its not all just in my head. its been to relevant. this isnt OKAY!!! DONT START IDIOTIC 'TRENDS' LIKE THIS MAYBE. jesus christ its like we are moving backwards or something, its genuinely terrifying. i think my first course of action is getting off of INSTAGRAM STUPID REELS!!! PLeaase it sucks so bad. im gonna LOOOOSEEE ITTT!!!! i hate instagram reels so much. and social media.

BY Vandals

BY descendents

"I once had a girlfriend. But then one day she dumped me.

And everywhere I'd go people would ask me where she was

I don't wanna talk about her. Someone always asks about her

So I tell them all "My girlfriend's dead""

"Statistically I'm far above the rest

I do my homework, never have to guess

My social life's an empty wreck

Romance is an alien labor"

literally genuinely i would quit all social media if i could but it sucks cuz i literallt CANT. ig i could twitter but thats not the problem its instagram. i managed to get off of tik tok but now im just on instagram reels. but instagram is literally my way of communication to most people and my friends now. deleting it would create way too much of a disconnect. also, i manage like 5 school instagram accounts and that just wouldn't be logical. i just don't know what to DOOO... maybe i shouold just watch dharr man eveyr time i want to wacth instagram reels. Ugh. i need to make some drastic change in my life or im gonna spiral this summer i KNOW IT! aanyways. while i was deciding the next year asb list with the other asb people there was a huge argument between the pres and vp and they started yelling and it was kinda scary... like im kinda scared for next year.. hearing a guy my age raise his voice like that (at a girl.. yikes) is just so odd. eyahhhh..... also i babysat this ADORABLE LITTLE 2 YEAR OLD NADIA shes my neighbors kid.... and Omg she is so adorable i had the best time. we colored and watched baby shark and i had... to change her diaper even though i had no idea how to so i just guessed... its pretty self explanatory.. right?! well i taught myself. and my neigbors had cameras everywhere through the whole hosue and they kept on turning on and off and it wasSCARY but also ya makes sense.

but was so fun and they paid ME $75 FOR IT WHATTT!!!! and they said they wanted me to babysit her again!!! SO YAYYY!!!! FIRST JOB???!?!?! I GUESS!!!! I GOT MY FIRST JOB!!! YAYAYAY! with the sweetest little girl ever... Love her so sososoo much.. and their house is so nice too!! yay :3 so im really excited about that. and for senior year too!! and now that i can drive and im allowed i finally have this awesome newfound feeling of independence.. like i can do anything and go anywhere when i want and stuff.. and i started cooking for myself because wow.... i realized i can make whatever i want with whatever ingredients for myself any day i want and its AWESOME.... i made spam musubi yesterday... spam fried rice.. and my go-to to make is cucumber saladddd its so good!!! so im so happy about that.. im a newfound chef. YAY!!! after my jazz band audition all will be awesome and chill and i will stay in good habits and clean my room maybe. and get good at everything and finish rhythm heaven megamix and read sick books on riot grrrl and the history of jazz (thanks mom for the b day gift LOL?). this is my time. Oh Yeah. :3 happy monyay everyone, see you next monyay, sleep tight and be awesome or seomthing idk...

goodnight :PPPPP

Goal Updates

Visions

• Composed on

It's been so long, so since we're all back and it's not the start of the month, I'll do a progress report.

I've put alot of effort into rebranding my social media presentation these past few days. I've been online for a long time, and this is all new to me because I never thought I'd WORK HERE - but here I am.

I put the passport goal down for a while. It's summer, so I'm looking more at the rollerblading goal and swimming goal. Unfort, I'm having a breathing thing that might be long covid, so I might be postponing the swimming thing, as well.

It's honestly going so far so good, aside from a few platform hiccups! I'm ok. It's the online platforms with issues, but it keeps my thinker thinking with the puzzle of ways to work around it!

Honestly, I'm not going to shame myself if rebranding and building a presence to become financially secure takes priority over my other goals. I need to have some kind of stability, even if it's in an unstable environment, and building a brand is how I'll do that.

I've also been focusing on my health and body image. I'm also going to start T this year. An unexpected goal, but a goal none the less! I won't stay on T. I'm just dropping my voice and maybe group facial hair. A few months to a year will be enough for me.

My thyroid is doing better. It may never be normal size again, but it's better. We're going to see if having covid did something to it, tho.

Another goal I would rather meet this year is get an e bike. It's harder to find stage 2s in stores, tho. Most shops only have stage 1s, or stage 1s and 3s. Donno wasup with that.

Something that wasn't on my original goal chart was getting back into my other interests. I've been getting eaten up by politics, and it's important for me to live the other aspects of my life.

I resurrected my food review series. I got some new artbooks because I don't know where my other ones are. I'm also going to resume making zines. I def have A LOT to zine about!

sigh

Composed on

from time to time i remember that a band i loved, or what's left of them now, turned into completely unhinged transphobic conspiracy believers. they literally believe every conspiracy in existence at this point. i'm only waiting for the day when they post on their blog that the earth is flat.

EotV 2

Composed on

i dont have it yet (i can't, it comes out in 2 days) and i'm not sure if i'll get it instantly, but i'll get it eventually. to be honest, i dont even know where the put the book right now. i hate digital books, i stare at screens all day and i want to read actual printed books. i decluttered my book collection a while ago and brought like 20 kg to the public book box. but there's still not really space right for such a fat new book, so i guess i'll have to think about how i can declutter more. *sigh* it seems dumb to me to have only the first book in a series, and i know i'll devour it just like the 1st one. so i have to figure out where to put it.

blah

Composed on

sometimes i'm a bit ashamed i can't really make such vibrant collages with so much content. first of all i don't want to be yelled at for posting "uncredited content" and i also don't want to clutter half the size of the collage with credit links either, so i'm just keeping it at mostly text. secondly, i also am really bad at crafting.

so i guess this just stays a text-based page. i kind of miss writing about EotV here, but anyway, maybe i can start again soon since the 2nd book gets published in my language in only a few days.

Back online!?

We were down and out without you!

• Composed on

I joined the discord after I was trying to get on here after a week of it being down. And, then it stayed down for a month. I was starting to think it was over...

But we're all back home!

you wake up and it's may

while you wait for summer you fail to notice it’s already all around you. 2024/05/23

• Composed on

what do i even have to say? moved to my third, final, and favorite host family. i have a little brother and we visited their hometown last weekend. was fine never coming back to taiwan before bc i know nothing will ever be the same, but now i just want to live in the mountains of zhushan forever and ever. less than 40 days until i go home. reading less books because i walk to school instead of taking the train. took the tocfl and got b1 like i expected, top of my class. college still hasn't given me my financial aid offer...

Haiyo

site is back up, yay.






( *^-^)ρ(*╯^╰)

i'm pretty sure i checked on the day it first came back, but i put off writing something for a while. i had just gotten back into it when it went down so i was bummed for a while :(

doing a lot of thinking about castle country. on a roll with fixing tiny things that have a bigger impact on the whole thing. got a cheap little notebook from a store i pass on my way home from school and i'm using it to write little scenes i have bouncing around in my head, though it oftens ends up more like a third person journal where i just replace my name with the character's. still need to figure out the overarching plot beyond vague feelings.

summer job secured (mother told one of her farmer friends i'd be fine helping out. i am but i'm only getting paid in vegetables...) participating in one of the pre-orientation camping trips my university offers. i'm really stressed about the financial aid stuff still tho lolllll. i want to limit my screentime a lot more during the summer, using it only once a week or only after dark or something. farm job is probably going to be pretty flexible and my neighbor wants me to babysit her kids for at least one week, which at least i'll get paid for. best friend from middle school is going to the same uni...

after the boswell book i talked a lot about in my last post, i started working on a story about three guys in ancient crete. i want it to be in the style of a play, but realized i haven't read very many, so i decided to wait on writing more until i read some more. haven't gotten on that yet though. made a vtuber model with an ms paint doodle and only used her once before realizing my laptop's mic sucks ass. mostly using my sketchbook for background sketches these days, but still no good at drawing characters interacting with bgs.

i worry i've romanticized the idea of university too much and that i don't even want a degree. is it too late to back out now? my parents are pretty cool about a lot of things and generally left me to do my own thing when it came to school, but i can't help but feel like a lot of that is only because i was staying within the path they expected of me. on the other hand, the possibility of not going to college was never brought up by them, but it wasn't brought up by me either. if i stay in zhushan, none of it is a problem.

i've been reading/watching a lot of unapologetically bad fiction recently. reading a book i don't like a lot right now. it's not technically bad in anyway, it just doesn't suit my tastes. rereading bits of the seafort saga while the guy who read rodrigo reads it and these guys are so much less normal than i remembered. i talk to my classmates a little more. i look at the sky. transmission towers and power lines are my angels. i buy drinks and candy at different convenient stores. i wait for summer and then remember i could be enjoying my life right now. i miss my friends and i miss zhushan and i am simultaneously connected to everything and everyone and completely and utterly alone. i listen to music and i spend too much time on my phone. i don't remember any of my dreams but i think they're all good ones.

x

05.22.2024

life stuff, bit all over the place

• Composed on

HAL

so much music has been released

this month by the artists i listen to,

so thats been fun ^_^

been watching lots of youtube,

been wanting to play video

games but depression is evil

SOTD : GAY UGLY AND HARD TO UNDERSTAND - BLACK DRESSES

accidentally missed a psych appt

which sucked, made me real anxious.

all i can do is reschedule and hope

she aint mad at me. had dnd tonight

which was a treat as always. hopefully

this summer will be my summer :)