two weeks of classes are nearly done! actually, maybe it's too early to say things like this, but university is easier than high school (￣y▽,￣)╭ not that the coursework itself is easier, but i only have to take the classes i choose and i get to walk around a pretty campus between them. i have plenty of free time (i'm a week ahead with readings for my classes + i've been doing homework as soon as i get it...) so i can focus on more interesting things like early modern-era lesbian japanese lit and seafort doujinshi. as i expected, i'm still spending a lot of time reading. dorm library had a really

2024/09/05

neat book on the takarazuka revue and when i went down the hill for the city's farmers market last week i stopped at the library and found a copy of faulkner's the sound and the fury which i've been looking for. i have a whole pile of other books after i finish that one too. trying really hard to restrain myself from a seafort reread until at least the weekend

i'm not hanging out with friends constantly, but i've made enough that i usually have someone to eat dinner with if i bother to ask! i get to practice my chinese w a guy whose family is from taiwan and i talk to my desk partner in astro to check answers and talk about seafort. still hanging out with the group from the farm trip pretty frequently too :D there's a girl in the same hall as me who i ran into at the catholic mass last sunday, which was nice except now i feel obligated to keep going to mass even though it sucked...

hopefully the episcopalians are cooler lol. although bad mass aside, the catholics are good for talking to

talking with my brazilian friend about seafort yesterday and we accidentally realized the wiki had been updated to include the fact an author recently dedicated his book to feintuch's daughter for letting him read feintuch's final unpublished book. does this mean i have a chance? erm i sure hope so

enough yuri i can't make a post without some japanese seafort fanart. ignore the alexei x phillip that's the only bad take i've ever seen in the japanese side of the fandom. actually i found a vax x tolliver fanfic the other day and though i'd never considered it, i'm kinda sold... the japanese fansites always make me sad because most of the images are forever broken and they always reference doujinshi i'll never be able to find

→ this led me down the rabbit hole of trying to find feintuch's daughter's contact information, which i... might've succeeded in? i'm not sure if it's up to date and i found two different potential addresses right next to each other. clearly, the reasonable course of action is just to go to her town next summer (series of five buses will actually get me there, i still don't have to learn how to drive) and loiter around all the antique shops until i run into her! and even if i don't, it would actually be nice to visit the place feintuch spent most of his life in

and be able to visit his grave. i suppose i need to contact the one and only motel in the town to see what their prices are like, and then i can decide whether it's a worthy venture or not...

while i wait for next summer vacation, i want to work on a series of seafort zines! i have a bunch of essays i want to write, i can repurpose a lot of the seafort doodles i have, finally finish some proper fanart, and translate some of the japanese stuff too. as far as i've found there's not anyone else who still actively engages in the fandom, so it's really only a project for my own entertainment, but maybe it could be used as propaganda to convince new people to read the series too :3 i want to work on a proper fancomic too--since i can't decide on what arc to adapt, perhaps i'll make a post-canon pt + pook reunion instead. vax x tolliver content would be funny as well. one of my classes' final project is making a comic based on historical primary sources. i'm thinking about either something related to the takarazuka revue, colonial era america, or ancient rome but i should probably wait and see what stuff the university archive actually has lol. thinking about rushing one of the gender neutral frats but idk if i'm gonna remember to go to their open house tonight. enough rambling for today though,

pax!

It's my birth month!

I signed up for free ASL courses - hosted by OK school of/for the Deaf! I've been wanting to learn ASL for so long, but classes are always so expensive! I'm so excited to finally learn!

It's Fall, so time to get some skates and learn! I'm very excited about that!

Those are the only things I'm going to focus on for the time being, due to the attention commitment it takes to learn new skills.

I started reading the Dungeon Meshi manga and I'm really enjoying it

I started my 1-year art program and it's pretty fun so far. I like the classes and everyone including my teachers are really nice. Not to mention I already know 2 pepole in the program. The program is mixt ages so it's mostly pepole my age but also some adults so I am limited when it comes to making friends

There is a Vietnamese street place with boba right next to my school, so I will probably eat lunch there whenever I have the money. There is also a Sushi, Pizza, and kiosk within walking distance, which I might also eat at.

it managed to get a part-time job wich I am extremely thank full fore since I really need the money

I will just let them be and hang with the pepole I already know

My dad gave me the hard drive he illegally loaded the Swedish Sailor Moon dub on when I was 9. I am so happy since it is pretty much most media and only exists on DVDs and hard drives.

Being Nordic means I am teredide of wintercoming becos sesenol depreson and my family not being able to pay forheating so I am both deprest and freesing for at least 3 mots :)

The only negative is that I am convenient that 3 pepole girls hate be but I think most pepole dislike me anyway,so it's noting new

or whatevr....

BY DESTRUCTO DISK (Splendora cover)

"Look right through me

Say I'm gloomy

Well, so sue me

Excuse me, excuse me

I’ve got to be direct

It's like a big train-wreck

You're standing on my neck!

You're standing on my neck!"

hello world! it is me!!! on not monyay ohhh yeah. hello... world... what a time. yay!!! everything is in the flow of the world.. and stuff and periods of change and all that fun crap.!! i feel like everything in everything is so lke intesnely intense im like WOAH!!!!!!!!! but ill start Like Usual. the NOT monyay class. Sans Nico. REST IN PEACE 4EVER. and it wasn't eevn isaac today *sighs* it was a temporary sub. i Like isaac. it was this random guy... who kinda looked like isaac but was like not as cool as isaac... i forogot his name oops. but anyways i walk in and i ask to do piano first (Obvi. SHUDDERS AND CRIES AND SHIVERS) and i share my Troubles and Woes with him annnnnnnd this guy is not a jazz pianist Wow who knew so he Tried. to help me solo... over Blackjack by Donald Byrd... and lowk he helped but i think honestly everything is up to me now to get over my mental block!!! but actually yeah he was lowk helping!! SOLOS DONT HAVE TO BE FREAKY AND CRAZY!! and i can be chill. i think.. maybe i can do it. but not in front of other people yikes. just practice! ive managed to make my entire instagram reel feed jazz piano videos to motivate myself to be GOOD! and i ordered the Real book and some chord voicing books for comping !!! (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WORK) but anyways he didn't rly rock with jazz piano but it made sense hes a drummer... but LOL we moved to drums and i was like... Da frick. cuz he was making me play some Easy crap liek Ok wat. and i mentioned i was working on latin beats and he whipped out the simplest bossa nova ive heard in my life... like Sans 2+4 hi-hat bossa nova. like Bro. and he was making me play Really easy fills.

BY AHMAD JAMAL

BY DAVE BRUBECK

BY RED GARLAND

BY THE CLEAN

BY ENON

and i could play everything really easy and he was like doing a Copy Me game and it was like the most Basic freaking crap and i was like Wow ok. and he was asking me what music i listen to (which that i always freeze up on because God i hate that question i like too much and i always blank out when people ask) but i said i like punk a lot Rn and he was like Hm Yk how to play punk? and i was like Ya kinda. and he just kept asking me waht i liked until the class was over Help *cry emoji*. like Okay thanks for nothing. but actually he SAID TO ME "Ya sorry if i didn't really do much I'm not used to Skilled Musicians coming to this studio.. its usually pretty beginning level stuff.. so you shocked me" HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU FOR THE EGO BOOSTTTTTTTTTT. nico always taught really hard Freaky crap that i suck at. but maybe this dude wasn't into jazz or latin music like nico is, because he totally skipped right over it... and rock isnt really that hard at its core (not to say im amazing at it because im NOT. EVEN CLOSE) but anyways It was nice to hear him say that im a talented musician after feeling liek im the worst least talented girl in the world (in both drum & piano). Thank you i actually really needed that ego boost. he kept complimenting me and my playing. so even though everything he made me play was so easy and dumb it made me feel Smart that i could do it so easily and actually accomplished in my learning!! like im NOT A STUPID IDIOT AND CAN ACTUALLY DO SOME STUFF!!!!! thank you King. i didnt rly like him as a teacher tho soooooo i hope i dont see him again. Lol. but ya. he didn't know who heavenly was btw... erm... but he knew Big Thief and we were about to play Not. but we didn't. thanks A LOT. anyways yeah that was the class today. Jizz band is still going bad... im still trying really hard. i like my squad (my squad of 2 people. the other Freakily talented piano guy and odd vibraphone girl) (I actually do not know ANYONE else in that band and theres no way im talking to any of them. and they r all boys other than 2 girl trumpets and 1 girl on another horn that i forgot..). and i jsut make the other freaky piano guy play everything that is hard (Comping....). but i talked to the teacher that im struggling and he was very understanding and stuff. he still scary. but he didn't make me solo in front of the whole class!!! so Dat is a PLus!! Im working on it Mr Freakmon. he had us split into our sections and i was with the rhythm section with the drums and bass and vibes and guitar tho and we were practicing in our sections and one of the the Freaking bass players (not the one that stares at me) WAS LIKE "HAHA okay guys since we played all the songs..... and we are perfect at them.... lets alll SOLO!!!" AND HE WAS MAKING US GO AROUND IN A CIRCLE AND SOLO TO ONE OF THE SONGS. and i refused to do it and it was really embarassing! THANKS EMIL. he sits behind me in lang. FREAK. Trust one day ill solo. when i learn to comp. God i shouldn't have done this. but Yeah. im not performing at BTS Night which is sad but also the song is hard. but today the teacher wasnt here (because apparently his wife was giving birth???) and so everyone was messing around on their instruments

basic i know but Come On this song is so good Zont even

red garland please save me please red garland PLEASE

"You sit there like a great big cat on a sofa

Sipping your cup of tea, you're still wearing a pussy

I wish you would change it

You seem like a great big rat on a big cheese

Nibbling on a piece for you, you're still the big cheese

Floating around in your pond"

"I lip sync, have to pretend to conversation-sigh

You didn't know how, you've never even tried

Attraction leeches, but never ever dies

We're leaving next week, behind your risky eyes

We found ourselves none in this city

You said our songs' cruel, it sounds hissy"

my multiverse = my music progress journal + other random life stuff. but i think that multiverse doesnt work for anyone else that isnt auto logged in like i am so im always like forced to be at the top of the page until it finally breaks for me too. Dont worry im #Grateful for my privilege of still being able to post on here. anywayas normal life things.... MY FAMILY IS SO WEIRD ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. ever since i basically drive myself everywhere now... my relationship with my parents is so weird... i went to dinner with them and it was.. Awkward. and i just talked their ear off about random school stuff. i think they are sick of hearing me talk abt my life or like dont know how to relate to me or something. my dad is chillin and making the effort.. idk abt my mom. i always say this but ever since my sister came out my whole family has been horrible and a mess and i dont rly like to be with them bc it all sucks and i hate elections and its all my mom watches and talks about and everything SUCKS (descendents reference. Heh.). my mom found a STIIZY in my sister (the gay one)'s room and it was so bad... and my idiot sister TOLD MY PARENTS THAT SHES A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT. and it QUOTE "broke your dad's heart" -my mom. its like my sister WANTS my parents to hate her. and my mom said "the middle child is always the troubled one" and constantly talks about how she failed as a parent. i hate it so much. i accidently/not so accidentally lied out of getting out of a family party (i was GONNA BABYSIT the same night so i wasnt gonna go but then the people cancelled but i just didnt tell my parents they cancelled and i didnt go) and i feel guilty and horrible about it but i just dont want to be around my parents like that anymore. mostly my mom.... i never know what my dad is thinking and he makes the effort to be a nice normal guy and not talk about horrible evil topics with Me. unlike my mom. idk but being with my parents is weird now and awkward. my mom is going through it cuz she thinks she failed or whatever. Girl you have a bisexual daughter (plus a lesbian she dont know abt lol) GET OVER YOURSELF. jesus.

and i asked vibes girl to show me how to hold the sticks and play the vibraphone and Wow. ITS SO HAARDDDDD WOWWW. I COULDNT DO IT it was like ltierally impossible!!! like holding 2 sticks in one hand AND CONTROLLING BOTH OF THEM IS ROUGGHHH they are SO HEAVY and you have to AIM FOR THE RIGHT NOTE??? its Crazy. i gained like so much respect for vibraphone girl because ITS CRAZY HARDDD!!! i thought it was like piano on sticks (which it is) but Dang. i was basically messing around with it tthe whole period it was a blast... and FREAKING GENIUS PIANO GUY goes up and just starts SOLOING AND IMPROVING ON THE STUPID VIBES AND MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS JAZZ SOLO AND THE DRUMS PLAYED ALONG TO IT AND I LITERALLY HATE HIM WHY CAN HE PLAY EVERY SINGLE INSTRUMENT FLAWLESSLY I HATE HIM.!!! Ugh. Kms. WHATEVER. AND ALSO YK WHAYT HE SAID YESTERDAY!??? one of the sax guys was asking if he listening to coltrane and THIS GUY. he says that HE DOESNT. HE DOESNT LISTEN TO JAZZ LIKE THAT. HE ONLY LISTENS TO IT INTENTIONALLY FOR THE BAND. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME. HE SAID HE ONLY LISTENS TO ANIME MUSIC!!!!!!! I HAATTTEE HIIMMMM WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM THERES NO WAY HES THIS AMAZING JAZZ GENIUS AND HE DOESNT EVEN LISTEN TO COLTRANE AND JAZZ LIKE THAT IM GONNA KMS RIGHT NOW THERES NO POINT IN TRYING ANYTHING. anyways hes really nice to me so its whatever. anyways im joining a club for my school where u can like be in a band and one of my Awesome friends already asked me to be part of their Awesome band for the club on drums and im SO EXCITEED!!! but Lowk the main songs they wanted to play were all rly hard on the drums but its ok ill figure it out. IM SO EXCITED. #APPLIED. anyways... sorry this is all i talk about. i try not to be annoying about it to everyone so this is how i say everything but this is like the biggest issue/most relevant thing in my life Rn but like in an evil and fun challenge way Yk.

i literally dgaf and its so sickening that she thinks that her daughter liking girls equates to her being a horrible parent that set bad examples and whatever. just wait until I COME OUT. like she genuinley needs to get the hell over herself. its fine i LOVE MY ROOOMMM i got a new BIG BED and i love it and im gonna decorate the walls with ALL MY GAY SHITTTT!!!!!!!! plus im so busy annd distracted so nothing Realllyyyyy matters like that!!!! Yay! #Senior. #OneMoreYearInThisHouse!!! also oh my God ITS FOOTBALL SEASON AND IM DYING OUT HERE I ACTUALLY HATE FOOTBALL GMAES SO MUCH every singgle time theres a football game i explode and i die and something goes hoirrbly wrong and if it were up to me i would Never Ever go to another high school football game ever again. there was a game last week and it was actually so horrible and evil and i hated every second i was verge of tears like 90% of the time and i was trying to hide in the asb room or on the visitors side but im setting a bad example as an Asb Leader. We need ASB justice for the people who can't handle football games. Please. I can't handle more I CANT PLELASE I HATE THEM. im gonna explode. (Haha girl just get over ittttttt B Normal!!!) but i got a new LABEL MAKER in asb so im looking on the Bright Side. I GET TO LABEL AND ORGANIZE THE WHOLE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!! Best day ever i was like trigger happy today. anyways today was Weird lokwye and so was this post.... See you all next not monyay if multiverse isnt dead and neither am i! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

hello world. if ANYTHING EEVNN MATTERS ANYMORE@!!! MONYAYS ARE DEAD. THEY ARE GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!! ITS OVER. you know WHY????? the REASNO I STARTED THIS BLOG. THE TOPIC OF THE VERY FIRST POST I MADE ON HERE. Nico.... QUIT HIS JOB AS A MUSIC TEACHER!!!!!!!!! right today. he broke the news to me. guys. MY LIFE IS OVER. this is like a breakup..... my man.... GONE FOREVER IN THE WIND. to work in a STUPID ASS BOLT FACTORY..... because apparently this musical prodigy is an ENGINEERING MAJOR????? and i NEVER KNEW??? and got a job inspecting BOLTS at some aerospace crap factory. oh my Effing god. and its "tooo mucchhh this on top of school" he had to drop some job and he didnt wanna drop his middle school. so he chose to drop ME. HE WANTS ME DEAD. THIS IS HOIRRBLE TIMING. INEEEDDD HIMMMMM TO HELP ME. LIKE ACTUALLY this whole week i was like tweakin to go to this lesson cuz im struggling so much in jazz band and now... when i needed him most.... hes gone... and now all i can watch is his STUPID INSTAGRAM STORIES WHERE HE ONLY POSTS ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES BUZZBALLS. and he STILL DOESNT EVEN FOLLOW ME BACK. ugh. ok like actually on the real being Fr serious. im like Actually upset because he was like... genuinely the best music teacher ive EVER had (and ive had a LOT) and theres no one ive ever met who actually cares SO much about the MUSIC and cares so much about how IM doing and wants ME to improve so much, like going over time to help with something and writing long pages for me and sending me shows to go to. NO ONE HAS EVER CARED THAT MUCH. AND HE HELPED ME SO MUCH. and helped me gain da love for jazz *cry*

BY MINUTEMEN

in honor of the death of Nico. i will share songs i stole from his spotify.

he Loved minutemen....... RIP

"A word war will set off the keg

My words are war

Should a word have two meanings?

What the fuck for?

Should words serve the truth?

I stand for language

I speak for truth

I shout for history

I am a cesspool for all the shit

To run down in"

BY MINUTEMEN

BY fantastischen vier

like GENUINELY he made such an impact as a teacher and ITS BEEN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME ( a little less than a year). im actually gona Kms and explode. this means the END of monyays. idk what my thing will be anymore. IDK ANYTHING ANYMORE. i am NO ONE WITHOUT NICODONTSURF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my identity on multiverse is literally based around monyays and now... he TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME. ill try to keep the weekly posts... but i dont know anything anymore... without Him... i am just a Shell of myself.... (hehee)... Ugh and im gonna be so bad in jazz band without his help. he said that he would try to get isaac for my new drum teacher which is chill, i really like isaac and his teaching style works for me and hes like nico but a little less freaky maybe. Not the same. but i hope that will work. if i dont get isaac im ENDING IT ALL. and not to MENTION PIANO. do you KNOW HOW MANY PIANO TEACHERS IVE HAD?? and NONE OF THEM HAVE EVER WORKED (other than that ONE substitute i had one time at some random studio that didnt have any actual class slots for me) OTHER THAN NICO. he doesnt even play piano. im gonna lose my mind. how am i supposed to find a new teacher i NEED IT............... jazz piano is something i genuinely cannot do on my own and now i have the pressure to do well cuz im in this stupidd band. MY LIFE IS OVER FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE WHAT IS THE POINT IN ANYTHING ANYMORE WHY WOULD HE ABANDON ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM MOSSSSSSST. ok im being dramatic. but my point still stands that it was so nice to have a teacher who genuinely cared so much about teaching me. im literally gonna die. Goodbye world after this post i will have exploded. i hope ur HAPPY at ur BOLT FACTORY nico. ill never see his STUPID GRAY HONDA CRV IN THE GUITAR CENTER PARKING LOT EVER AGAIN. Goodbye world

i had this song on repeat for like a month straight... THE POP AU DEUTSCHLAND PMOOO *sobs*

"They all work, they're the working mass

They all work for the ruling class

The State relies on the working man

They praise the party and the fatherland

They're all real to the party elite

All enslaved to the fascists"

i have no sense of PERMANENEC or anything... im left in the wind to struggle with jazz FOREVERR.... unless i find a really good piano teacher and i get isaac too. but its not the same. NOTHING IS THE SAME. anyways..... this week was Mid af.... jazz band is still evil but like im more like Whatever its fine about it now... still stressses me out every day (THIS IS ALL NICOS FAULT I WOULDNT BE IN IT IF IT WERENT FOR HIM)... and i still suck and i still need to talk to the teacher about how i suck..... but its like... ive accepted it. and im practicing and stuff. and the other piano guy is super nice and is FORCING ME TO PLAY AGAINST MY WILL even though im bad because he also wants me to improve Ig. thanks lil bro.... and we did an awesome song i really like.. Black Jack by Donald Byrd its so sick af i love it and i get to piano it!!!!! YAS!! but i was rly bad today but i practiced so i think ill be better tomorrow... i think.. i understand it!! i think i understand most everything, im just HORRIBLE AT APPLYING IT TO MY PLAYING. which sucks. everything is moving soooo slowly. Sigh. and that freak still stares at me eveeryyyyy single chance he gets and it still freaks me out.... but whatever!!! i had a sleep over with Da Squad this weekend cuz i was home alone abd i had Super mega ultra fun it was a blast and my nails are so Kawaii and Amazing Thank you for painting them my firned. andd on sunday i ate potato corner for breakfast and i went to the park and it was alright............................... idk...... *shudder*. ive been cooking a lot but its just the same 4 things. and i really missed my parents surprisingly i was really really lonely this past weekend.. but they just came home today so i am happy now. everything school and everything stressful is suddenly hitting so fast and i feel like im SUFFOCATING AND DYINGGGGGGGGGGGG asb is so stressful and being historian is so MUCH and U THINK IT WOULDNT BE but im losing my head over here doing all this Crap for everyone and sending giant long essays to the freshmen who have no idea whats going on.................. i was literlly tweaking. also i started watching atypical cuz i heard it had lesbians

"Hey is it that one, that stands at the entrance?

Or that one, that turns your head?

Is it that one with the big sweater on, man?

No, it's the woman who doesn't have time on Fridays"

idk. everything is happening so fast i have no time to react or even feel any way about it... and im so stressed about jazz band it kinda overpowers the rest of my life Maybe. im trying to be normal about it though. Heh. I CANT ANYMORE WITHOUT NICO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I JUST REMEMEMBERED FML FML ITS OVER GOODBYE PLAESE HE NEEDS TO FOLLOW ME BACK ON INSTAGRAM IM GETTING WIDTHDRAWLS ALREADY NICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASEPLEPLAPEAPSLRPK WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEEEE.... Goodbye world.... im so sorry about the horirble HORRIBLE news of NO MORE MONYAYS. ill try to recover from this horrible event... somehow. ill Lyk if multiverse doesnt die any time soon..... Goodbye Forever (not forever. Yk) XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

was gonna post one more time before my camping trip but the site was broken again lol

skipped all the events i signed up for yesterday but i swear i'll go to the ones i chose for today... not just bc i'm trying to avoid someone

writing this from my new college dorm (i unpacked all my stuff on my first day so it already feels like home ft. old rug that was underneath my parents' bed and all my feintuch books). the 6 day farm service/backpacking trip was really nice! all the people i met were cool and hopefully i'll see them again in the future (skipped dinner with them yesterday to go back home for burritos... lol). got a not very busy week before classes start to figure out where everything is. food is even worse than usual level of college food since there's a worker strike so i'm mostly eating snacks in my room instead. i'm already getting anxious about everything but my dorm is really nice and pretty (spent the morning exploring as much of it as i could). the dorm library is right next to my room and has soooo many cool looking books. i made a list of all the libraries and dining halls and churches to check out over the next couple of semesters.

i signed up for a logh big bang event, so i guess that'll force me to draw at some point in the next couple of months. i drew a lot in my sketchbook during the camping trip (mostly just landscapes, but by the last day i had reverted to seafort). i've gotten good at endings, but i'm realizing i'm scared of beginnings too. before i left i read 9 books this month. i brought a mix of favorite books and ones i haven't read yet, but i feel bad reading when i should probably be out meeting people. at least i don't have to worry about running out of books. everyone says i won't have time to read once classes start, but i'll do my best.

after i read guildenstern and rosencrantz are dead, i read orson scott card's homophobic hamlet fanfiction in an attempt to put me off reading the rest of the ender's game series, but it was actually good. two of my friends are trying to get me into warhammer. played wuthering waves a bit before i left bc i miss spending hours on genshin but getting through the beginner part is a bit of a slog. on the first day of the camping trip, i outlined the essay i want to write about seafort's nicknames in my head as we hiked and then transferred it into my sketchbook. still unsure if i'll ever actually write it. my electric kettle has already proved it's worth in the barely a day i've been in the dorm. need to consolidate my reading list.

pax!

BY LUSH

Hello world. happy NOt monyay.. because multiverse was dead for a while there but i think im BURSTING from this week!!!!!!!!!! HOllly crap. first official not monyay of school.... Yay! if it werent for one class... it would be going AMAZINGLY!! kinda... im so stressed out like i feel like im gonna explode and it hasnt even been a week... my classes are whatever... im a senior so like its not cool and special and new anymore.. .Sad face... buuut yeah.. i have good teachers... my class on monyay was good.... pretty Norm. im kinda taking a lot of aps (in my book...) and AP research is kinda freaking me out like i dont think im capable of dat.... 15 page paper... Hah... and ASB IS DRIVING ME CRAZY HOly crap im literally the historian and its so much a nd so intense and like 50 billion people asking me questions and i need to check in with like 10 million others and make sure everyone is good and also do all my OWN work and all this stuff. Hah... but its fun i like to feel important yass... and dstufff... idk everything just went from nothign to intense so fast and im like Woah. anyway i got rly embarassed in my lang class the other day and i was sad. ok anyways time to talk aabout the STUPID BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!!!!! ok so i DID ACTUALLY GET INTO JAZZ BAND! and i was so excited... i was gonna be the awesomest jazz piano player ever. and oh my god its so bad in there. the band is full of like 27 people and there are only 4 girls including me and thats whatever i expected that and i expected not to know anyone. other than the one freak with a staring problem that was in love with me freshman year.. which HE STILL STARES AT ME AND IT FREAKS ME OUT SO BAD its not even funny anymore... like he WHIPS AROUND to STARE and i need to pretend i am not noticing because WTF????

Just remind me

Of why I'm wasting so much

Time pretending

That there is something more than

Only this

Only this pointless accusation

Tell me again,

Why are we here?"

BY OF MONTREAL

BY THE VIOLENT FEMMES

like jesus i know he didnt expect to see me in there but HOLY CRAP BRO IM LIKE BEING WATCHED EVERY MOVE and we keep making eye contact ITS SO BAAAAADDDD and the first day of school the (evil) teacher was like Omg guys this is Brookeeee she just popped up out of no where Lollll but RAISE UR HAND IF U KNOW HERRR!! ok why TF would he do THAT. KMSKMSKMS. and that STUPID BOY raised his hand... and some other kid that IDK why he raised his hand ltierally ive never spoken to him we only follow eachother on insta... and he asked me waht im playing and thats the extent of our convos. so Thx joaquin i guess. hes the best saxophonist ive ever met tho so i feel special. anyways. that was bad but whatever. there r two pianists me and this other guy whose WAY TOO NICE IT MAKES ME WANT TO EXPLODE. OMG. so on tuesday.. thats when it ALL WENT DOWNHILL. because... we started playing MUSIC!!!! the teacher handed out all the sheet music and we r supposed to sight read (which im usually bad at but these r simple chords so i can... sort of..... do it.... kinda... not rly but like im not like an IDIOT at it) and literally i had no idea how this band would work but literally the teacher was like OK EVERYONE GO!!!! AND EVERYONE JUT STARTS PLAYING THE SONG ALL TOGETHER and the other pianist guy made me be at the piano and he was watching me and i was like ok WTF i have NO IEDA HOW TO DO ANY OF THIS. like. ive never played alongside other instruments. ive never like. ACTUALLY comped successfully. AND i just had to SIGHT READ IT??? WHAT DA HELLLLLL. i made the other pianist do it for the rest of that day and im Freaking telling you this is the most talented musician ive EVER MET. hes ACTUALLY INSANE. and his comping... *sobs* hes so good. how TF can i even compare to that. and hes SO NICE AND IT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSSEEE HES TRYING TO HELP ME AND ITS SO EMBARASSING. like i know NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. and we were Freaking playing our blues scales and me (stupid idiot) KNOWS MY BLUES SCALES BUT I FOROGT the formula and he freaking had to teach me like a little baby. i actually cannot with this.

"Take it easy, Satans, I don't want her to grieve

I hate that she's been wounded by these changes in me

I don't wanna hurt her, I just want to be free

Oh god, I want to live again

It's terrible to see our effigy hanging there to

Watch it burning just 'cause some goodness is gone"

"Day after day

I get angry and I will say

That the day is in my sight

When I take a bow and say goodnight

Mo-my-mama, mama-mo-my-mum

Have you kept your eye, your eye on your son?

I know you've had problems, you're not the only one

But when your sugar left, he left you on the run"

and every day its getting worse!!! yesterday i practiced and stuff and i actually sat down to play autumn leaves, whicch was one of the easier songs and i just. played the sheet music (literally just ez chords on 2 and 4?) like a little baby while the piano guy watched and he said i was fine but Still its embarssing. and same with today i was literally LIKE AN IDIOT PLAYING MY C BLUES SCALE WRONG FOR SO LONG. oh my god. and the other pianist guy i think felt bad for me because he didnt correct me. ITS LITERALLY C. THE EASIEST ONE. HOW TF DID I MESS THAT UP? and then... theres 1 song... DOLPHIN DANCE BY HERBIE HANCOCK. holy Crap. this song is EVIL AND THERES A PIANO SOLO!!! (something i am incapable of doing) and the pianist guy was like u shouldtry!!! thats how u learn!! AND LET ME TELL U HOW THIS SHEET MUSIC LOOKED. NO NOTES. NO NOTHING. JUST THE NAMES OF CHORDS. AND IT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP UP AND SO IMPOSSIBLE AND CRAZY. and i wasl ike HELL NO i am NOT DOING THAT. good decision because i didnt notice there was a piano solo.. and Ofc when piano guy played it he was insane and awesome and so impressive and oh man i think i need to explode! sigh anyways. all of that to say. that i am just so FRUSTRATED!!! with myself and the fact that i am unable to do it! im practicing literally SO hard every day and im trying so hard but i have such a bad mental block and its just NOT CLICKING for me!! and it makes me feel so stupid!! i wanted this for SO LONG. this was like. my ultimate goal. and now that i have it.. im horrible!! and i feel like i physically am unable to fix it, not matter how hard i practice. its so frustrating. the problem is, that i UNDERSTAND the concepts. i know it!! i get my chords and i understand how to invert and voicings ish. i get the concepts. but my brain just doesnt move that fast in practice. i cannot APPLY the concepts to actual music because i SUCK AND I HAVE TO THINK SO HARD ABOUT EVERY CHORD AND NOTE I PLAY. and it sucks SO BAD. because i UNDERSTAND. but then i just CANT DO IT. and im trying so hard but its like. impossible. and its so embarassing and i feel so humiliated and horrible... this def is a privileged pov but ive never had a skill like this ive had to try SO HARD for that i CANT do. every skill and goal ive wanted to achieve (in this way) i have been able to achieve without TOO much effort. like ive always been naturally decent at stuff maybe and now that im not?

"The falling leaves drift by the window

The autumn leaves of red and gold

I see your lips, the summer kisses

The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long

And soon I'll hear old winter's song

But I miss you most of all my darling

When autumn leaves start to fall"

its like a big slap in the face.. SIgh.... i know its literally not that deep and i shouldnt be putting my whole self worth on this one thing but i feel like so out of control of my own life in a stupid way. if i cant do this no matter HOW MUCH i try than wtf am i? i put SO MUCH into wanting this and SO MUCH in the audition and freaking out over it and everything and now that im actually in it i STILL cannot do it!! its just not clicking. and it makes me want to quit and just not do it at all, but like then that makes me a quitter... its either im horrible and terrible at this all year and humiliate myself in front of all these strangers or i fail myself and quit because im scared of my inevitable failure, because i WANT TO BE GOOD SO BAD. and i earned a spot here, i auditioned and got in!! and i feel so passionate about this and i love jazz so much and i HAVE to be capable enough cuz i got in but i just dont see it in me and im placing my whole self worth on it. I WANT TO EXPLODE. and it makes it worse how good the other piano guy is and how nice he is about me being bad at it. i feel like everyone in that room is on some hip jazz wavelength that im not on, fr. in every way, the way the teacher talks and count into songs and everything. IDK TDLR I FEEL LIKE A BIG STUPID IDIOt who cant understand anything at all and it sounds dumb writing it out but its taking over my whole life!!!!!!!!!1111111111 maybe i will just tell the teacher.... *shudders*... he literally Freaking said my audition was phenomenal (HIS WORDS KMS) and i just dont want him to find out that im actually bad and my audition took like an entire month of practice and like a billion takes to do well. i dont even know what the teacher would do. kick me out hopefully. Sigh. anyways this whole problem on top of school stress and everything else evil AND IM ON MY PERIOD!!!! has made me a crazy evil person and i feel so bad for all my friends cuz i become such a bad friend. also some kid that i went to elementary school like in my class with just recently died a couple days ago and usually im not so emotional but What the hell genuinely i was crying over it and i cant stop thinking about it. isnt that so scary?? AND MY SISTER IS LEAVING BACK TO IOWA TOMORROW and im home alone this weekend until tuesday and i dont rly want to be i feel so alnoe and sad UGH GUYSSSSSSSS I HATE MY PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!1

well ill just spend the whole weekend practicing and watching jazz piano youtube tutorials and understand everything but be unable to do it myself!! Yay. shoutout to all my classical piano teachers the past 10 years of my life that didnt even teach me what inversions were and only taught me how to read sheet music and thats it and now im screwed and bad at basic concepts for the rest of my life!!!!!!! sorry i shouldnt blame my lack of skill on them... still a little frustrating though i never learned anything BUT reading sheet music. like comeon. anyways i want to be picked up early from school tmorrow because i have so much anxiety about this but my parents and sister are off to iowa!!!! then im all alone so YAy!! Ugh guys sorry for being the worst girl ever in the world. but i think this is all because im on my period and im just being silly cuz im on my period Duh. and i was literally like 8 days late too.... idk if that means anything. but anyways Wish me luck and pray that i explode before sixth period tomorrow and see u next monyay if this site isnt ded XOXOXOXOXOXOX

currently listening to:

i'm back home. nothing really changed. the well overflow has clogged often enough that my father has given up mowing that section of the lawn. i sleep on the top bunk of the bed my sisters used to share--my old bedroom has been taken up by my younger sister in my absence. i buzz my hair to 3/8", the only thing that reminds me of the flow of time. i throw myself into books (of the 30+ i picked off my shelves when i got home and set aside to read for the first time, i only have 4 left), i play with the kids outside and work on rebuilding the dilapidated walls of the stick fort. i go to the library and talk to my best friend, but more often than not i end up sitting in the nonfiction section reading yet another book instead.

i think i've changed. it feels like not much else has.

i spend a week at my grandparents' house, and it feels more normal than my own house. i'm used to being a guest now, not to being at my own home. i sign up for first semester classes and get into all my first choices. i pack for the camping trip. on wednesday i have a presentation and activity event at a nearby school that i wish i hadn't agreed to do. i'll do it anyway. i walk to the small methodist church every sunday. they have a new pastor from mississippi, but i never went much before so it's not all that different to me. i enjoy talking to the old ladies over coffee afterwards. this sunday we finally had the (apparently monthly) communion. the small piece of bread ripped off by hand from a loaf and dipped in grape juice was the best thing i've had in over a year.

i'll be going on a 6-day backpacking/farm service trip with some other incoming students the week before move in. it seems like fun, though i've only met the upperclassmen who'll be the ones chaperoning so far. breaking in new hiking boots reminds me that time is passing. my summer is slipping away between my fingers. i practice putting in my contacts without looking in the mirror (my old glasses don't look good with the new haircut). yesterday, i got a free slushie from one of my sister's classmates who bought it for someone who'd already left the library while i was sitting there. today, the old man at the asian grocery gave me a free ice pop and didn't charge me for the ginger root. with my haircut, i pass in the eyes of both small children and the elderly. when i resolved to cut it all off, i also resolved to come out to my family. i haven't done that yet. it seems silly. pre-orientation events where we have to include pronouns in our introductions suck. you have to unlock that stuff about me after a set amount of interaction, it's not starter information, yet neither she/her or he/him seems like a realistic answer coming from me now. i reread midshipman's hope. the patterns i obsess over in the later books actually start there too, i just hadn't known they were patterns at that point. i get one of my friends to start reading it after i talk her ear off in a decrepit barn full of second-hand books and the small of cat urine. i don't know if i'll ever see her again.

i've only typed a single page of mad dog out on my typewriter onto a blank page meant for chinese character practice that i ripped out from a notebook. i subsequently lost it. i've decided the ending, which i couldn't do in taiwan. i've grown used to endings.

i finally bought a new drawing tablet. i kept up with art fight, but i did revenges only. i've been using screens as little as possible during the day, and i'm usually too tired to use them during the night either. i've been getting laxer with my restrictions as summer comes to an end, but i haven't had much of an urge to scroll endlessly on social media even when i do use my computer/phone. not that i've been being "productive" when i'm not

on them. i've only worked through one chapter of the l latin textbook i planned to go through this summer.

having fun, so it doesn't really matter lol :p

HAI! its mehhh here on monyay... will pro.lllyy make a short post cuz im Out in a hotel rn in the middle of norcal! Yeyyy... on Vacay.. touring colleges and seeing Da northern Nature its awesome... THIS IS THE LAST WEIRD MONYAY BEFORE IT ALL GOES BACK TO NORMAL AND I GO BACK TO LESSONS AND STUFF!!!! and also the last monyay of summer... i start school this friday KMS. and i dont even know my schedule and it might get dropped KMS x2. but Ya. i came back from my little girls in science fellowship on saturday literally at like 10 pm and i left the next morning for THIS VACAY then i fly home THURSDAY and i start school FRIDAY BRO. im literally going crazy theres nonoooo break.. Sigh.. so Yay.. Haha. i cant believe im starting senior year isnt that literally so freakkyyy i Zont Believe it. *shudders*. like im TOURING COLELGES. thats crazy. we went to UC davis, UC berkeley, and cal poly humboldt... and im going to oregon state later in the week. Wow. its so surreal that this is happening. but Tbh im so gladd im going into such a specific niche inside environmental science (wildlife conservation biology) that it makes it rly easy to narrow down colleges bc not many colleges have that as a major!! and all the Good enviro colleges for dat aren't freaky and stressful about getting into.. like the only big one i like i MIGHT not get into is uc davis but i think i would get in.... (not jinxing it Doe)... and cp slo but thats not rly high on my list... so i dont really need to stress abt it!!

(mysteries version)

BY VOYAGERS OF ICARIE

BY LADYTRON

"crown your dreams, it'd be wise to

fall apart in grace

from your dreams, i'd be wise to

fall apart in grace

wasting mine and tortured souls"

i guessed all these lyrics i cannot find the lyrics anywhere but this is actually like the best song ever i cannot stop listening to it

"I don't want to fight

Just want a piece of your life

Oh, if you come out to play

I don't want you to say...anything

I didn't feel a thing when you told me that

You didn't feel a thing when I told you that

I didn't feel a thing, another breakfast with you"

like im not even gonna apply to all the Freaky ones because like.. they dont have my major... so theres no point!! and my top 2 are oregon state and uc davis!! and im 100% getting into oregon state and have a pretty good shot at davis, its not one of the Hardest UC's to get in, so i literally dont even need to worry about college!!!! i have good extracurriculars and chillin grades and im Quite Satisfied! so here's to not stressing out during college app season and getting freaked out by all the kids around me being FREAKY and WEIRD. im excited!! a year from today ill know my future and thats pretty awesome!! and in terms of tours the uc davis campus was Supperr nice and cool... i could ttoally see myself going there.. uc berkeley was... as expected... lived up to the expections & stereotypes.. its very City like. i didnt rly like it.. not my Thang but it was Alright.. plus it doesnt have my major. and cal poly humboldt was so Tiny (only 6000 students) and the campus was Lowk ugly but it was right next to a forest!! i didnt Hatteee it!!! i liked the community of it and it was pretty cool and they were Reallyyy good with my specific niche and really specialize in enviro which is cool! so YAY! im kinda excited!! NOT FOR APPS THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO FREAKING WRITE MY ESSAYS ABOUT. i am NOT that girl bro. im gonna Die Kms. if i write about being gay will my parents read it Aaha,... or is that too basic. Kms bro. i have no idea. and apps are open now too... i just went down a rabbit hole of the common app website. oops. anyways.. sorry all i talked about was stressful college... i konw its not rly a fun topic for everyone.... but its been super relavent going on all these tours and stuff.. i think its Not so Bad!! and everyone at my school is way freakier than they need to be!! YAY IM SO EXCITED and SENIOR YEAR IS GONNA BE SO AWESOME OK IM SLEEPING NOW GOODBYE C U NEXT MONYAY

I've decided I'm going to take up skating in fall, so in a few days or weeks.

I just made 2 more zine!

I'm going to start surrounding myself with people with goals - mainly similar goal to mine - and we will celebrate our achievements together!

I was having high blood pressure issues, and it's being settled now - which is only good! My health will always top priority in my goals. One of my goals was to get a dietitian, and that has been achieved!

I got a new tripod/ selfie stick, that's heavy duty and large! Def going towards my content creation goals! I'm going to keep my old one, too, because it takes up less space - when smaller is my effective.

I feel good about ending this here. See ya next month, if not sooner!

I have 2 basic smart watches. Didn't know much I wanted them until I got! They don't do much, while being convenient!

some thoughts that I'm having 2nite. RDJ'S CASTING AS VICTOR VON DOOM IS THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD HELLLOOOOOOOOOO. like I don't even know anything about dr. doom because I'm not really a comics guy... I would like to start reading comics sometime I gotta get on that prob. but like I just watch the movies and shows and stuff and read

corporate greed

is a parasite

to creative industries!!!!

anyways. so the other day I was at a mall with my sister and the guy working at zuminez was so cute lowkey. Highkey. sometimes when I see guys my age out in public I start to feel so inadequate and ugly and all I can think about is how nobody looks at me how they look at them. like everybody just sees through me and I don't know how to properly be a guy. Like I'm just always gonna be slightly off and masculinity is always gonna be just out of reach. the F on my birth certificate stands for failure actually because I just look like a failed version of a girl and a failed version of a guy. lolol sry to be a downer this is the real reason I go on this site. I talk about random things so I can then segue into sadder thoughts

I just want 2 know what's wrong with me.... I need a doctor to diagnose me with something maybe...... my mom jokingly mentioned that she thinks I have ADHD and I was like wait ive never thought of that... actually idk if it was really a joke but I really don't think I have it I think I'm just scatterbrained sometimes. I think it's actually more like executive dysfunction. or I am genuinely just lazy maybe. idk but there is something deeply wrong with me and idk what to do about it. but also I'm like relatively fine. sighs here's to hoping I don't fall apart and struggle to do basic tasks in senior year on top of FREAKING EVERYTHING ELSE COLLEGE AND FREAKY FREAKING AP BIO AND UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am stupid for this this is so stupid. also july was literally a blur like july 1st was genuinely yesterday I cannot tell you what I do with my time I actually do not know where it all goes and I am so sad about it I need summer to be eternal even though this summer sucked ass and balls. and not even in the fun way

lowkey my mental state like dropped so bad over summer Lolz but don't get me wrong I'm chill I don't really feel any different than usual but also I'm kind of not chill and I'm lowkey terrified for this school year to start because I'm worried I will not be able to cope. like if this is how I am over summer what am I gonna do when I have actual real things to do. is it normal to feel so incredibly detached from your body and your life and reality every single day ever because like IDK. I can't tell if the way I feel is just normal living or if it just feels normal to me. like am i experiencing derealization/ depersonalization ALL of the time or is this just how everybody feels or I'm making things up

or I'm not even really feeling that stuff at all or maybe I'm just doing this to myself and I actually just need to get good. ... but like WTF can I do about it. people always talk about being "present" and in the moment or whatever but I genuinely cannot like I feel so mindless all of the time. I don't feel like a real person I feel like some Thing that just floats around life and things just happen somehow. is that normal lmk. I'm hoping when I go on hrt later on everything starts feeling like it should but I'm also worried that it won't fix anything and then what am I gonna do???

Lol ok bye interweb!!!!!!!!!!! I am doing my best to water down my thoughts so that they arent too like Woah okay buddy take this to ur diary...... but also sometimes just writing about things isn't enough like I feel like I'm going insane keeping everything 2 myself all of the time. but it freaks me out that real people I know can read and see this so um Look away maybe. ok bye bye ttyl!!!!!!

I need to fix my sleep schedule before school starts. I have not slept good this past week but I feel like I can't allow myself to sleep longer because my priority is supposed to be waking up earlier but I'm so tired idk. for the past two weeks Pokemon Sleep (sleep tracker app but Pokemon) has given me an F grade.... I'M FAILING SLEEP... rip. I'm not sure if I am capable of waking up at 6 in the morning for zero period all the time. We'll see I guess..... this school year I am testing my limits!!! (save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save me save)

copious amounts of fanfiction on archiveofourown.org AND EVEN I KNOW THIS IS STUPID.... like even with no context, even without being a fan of this character or not knowing abt how he is supposed 2 be Romani and how thats a big part of his story, just the fact that robert downey jr is back as a DIFFERENT GUY is dumb to me... like that just sounds dumb. variants this variants that Who cares ho that shit doesnt even make sense in this case. why would your first introduction of this super big villain be a variant version of him instead of just the regular one?? its so obviously just a cash grab move it feels so uncreative and like the laziest casting ever. I keep getting tiktoks about like "omg it's gonna be so sad if peter has to fight dr doom and he thinks its tony" No it won't because I'll be too busy thinking about how stupid it is

if u wanna bring back some big actor to ur franchise fine!!! okay!!! but BE LOGICAL like idk be NORMAL. I remember wolvie died in logan so idrk how he's back in deadpool and wolverine but like. it can at least be explained in a logical way. at least hugh jackman is PLAYING THE SAME GUY. imagine they tried to bring him back for more marvel movies but instead he wasn't even the same character and he plays. IDK. a freaking wolverine variant of spider-man's dead uncle ben. IS THAT NOT THE STUPIDEST THING. I'm sorry as a MULTI BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION can you not come up with a better idea.. anyways I need to see Deadpool and Wolverine so bad

If you always get up late

You're never gonna be on time

If you always make it after work...

Broken Social Scene: Swimmers

hai multiverse.... HAPPY MONYAY!

the internet here really sucks because im in the middle of a forest and im on hotspot and its so bad... but im having so much fun out here!! i love love nature so so much!

i just wanted to make a quick short post checking in.. i need to sleep but im currently out in an airbnb at this girls in science fellowship! i flew here alone! scary!!

i dont have the internet to generate cooltext logos but listen to Grass by Animal Collective! song of the week!!

but anyways... i just needed to keep up the monyay streak. but i think im having the best time of my life out here!! i think ive found my calling and its environmental conservation and im so SO happy about it!! YAY! ok goodnight! long day tmw!

i feel like im seeing my whole future play out in front of me this week. its really awesome... ill give more of a review when i have the time. but im doing meadow restoration here! field work removing invasive species and data collection!!

BY JACCO GARDNER

"I'll be waiting

If you ever feel like changing

Time has told me

What has happened

Now it′s over for a second

Now will be a day for me and

You to cry out in the summer

To another world where we can

Have it over I don't have her"

YO INTERNET I ACTUALLY MADE IT TO THIS MONYAY!! i am currently sitting on a little bottom bunk in a ucsb dorm room with two asb girls from my school at this FREAKY little asb camp... which i will be here until thursday!! Yayy... i was scared i wouldnt be able to make a monyay post... but alas... i will just make a short one today because it is currently 10:50PM and my friends need to sleep and we need to be up at like 7 freaking AM because these days last SO FREAKIN LONG BRO. and today was the first day... its alright.. i guess. just kinda how it expected it and exactly how it was last year. ohmygod so my friend.. shes the asb vice president and ive known her since the fourth grade and TODAY SHE JUST REVEALED SHE IS DATING THE ONE MAN IN THIS WORLD THAT I HATE. and im saying this because she is currently on a call with him on the bunk on top of me and he is genuinely the worst person i have ever met and idk how anyone could date him. But i like Her... so i tryst her i Guess. but Wow just hearing his voice on call rn is Really pissing me off. anyways. week review. lowkey a horirble interesting week. lots happened... asb things... which was just a lot of work and stressful but i wont get into it... i hungout with my friends at a farmers market and it was SUPER LITTT and fun and i got these Sick jazz shirts. and then i had a sleepover with my BIffle Bae and we practiced for our AWESOME OPEN MIC WE WENT TO!!! it was so AWesome and we went to our awesome firneds house who ALSO perform at the open mic and we were ALL THERE and i was like Wow.

BY BIG THIEF

BY PLAYDATE

BY ALL NATURAL LEMON & LIME FLAVORS

This is so awesome. and i was so happy Heehee the world is finally healed and awesome and im so happy! and i ate some FIRREE filipino food TWICE this week and Wow i love filipino food oh my god i actually Busted. Heh. and me and da biffle bae practiced and performed fox in the snow by belle and sebastian and it was terrifying and i definitely was relly bad but you know what i DID IT and i think thats what matters actually!!!!!!!!!!! i love music and it was awesome! and speaking of music when i went to my open mic friends hosue and we weree all there they just CASUALLY just chilled and played music and harmonized and they have like orginal songs they write and its like Holy crap im surrounded with this awesome talented people i was actually mind blown Dead in my seat. it was so cool and im so lucky to be surrounded by awesome people! so that was actually really awesome and i was like so Yas vibes the entire time!!!! so Yay! that was the awesome parts of my week!! i also played piano tiles with me and my biffle baes toes and it was really fun. and we watched dear dumb diary. what a fun and joyous time!!! ok now the horrible evil pits of the week... i keep updating on this but Oh my god my sister coming out is just getting worse and worse actually i think im going to go back in the closet and die because my mom had this long like 4 hour talk with me about my sister that. i dont have the effort or Strength to go into detail but basically being gay is immoral and shes going to hell and shes faking being bi because shes going thru a thing and its fine until its her own daughter and all this crap and i was on the VERGE of coming out to my mom that night because of how much

"It's a little bit magic

Like a river of morning geese

In the new warm mountain

Where the stone face forms and speaks

I believe in you

Even when you need to recoil"

she was talking about how upset she was at my sister for lying and all this crap. but i ended up telling her i waas straight!!!! actually genuinely i dont know what is wrong with me because i can lie SO easily it scares me. i am ABLE to sit through hours of my mom telling me she believes she failed her daughters because one is gay and how immoral it is and how wrong it is to be gay and i just SAT THERE. i SAT there and listened and did nothing. barely argued. just nodded my head and told her i was straight. i only cried afterwards. but idk it freaks me out how easily im able to sit there and fabricate a whole story for my mom to believe that im this Christian God Lovin Church Volunteering Straight Girl. because she fully believes it. and i am just feeding her all these FLAT STRAIGHT OUT lies and it scarres me. and the worst part is that it doesnt really eat me alive anymore. i am able to lie and do things i "shouldnt" and they dont eat me alive with guilt like it would a normal person. idk if thats normal but the way everyone talks makes me feel like a Horrible Gal for this. but i think im just really good at avoiding things and avoiding my feelings and avoiding my problems to the point where i avoid guilt as well and just push it far away so i dont feel any of it. Maybe. Sorry got too deep there. but it freaks me out that i feel nothing for doing all these bad things. anyways my mom did tell me that itd be fine it i was gay because ive been like this my whole life so Thanks i guess but also id rather die than come out toher.

"Thank you for staying on

I really did not feel like going home

The moon, it's hanging up over mountainside

And your voice is sounding like something right

Of course it is"

"Don't race me down

To see the floor and hit the ground

Rewind, 'cause I don't want to let go

Till now, tonight I was

And now we're asking should I never die?

And never grow apart"

idk it was all just was such a harsh reminder of the situation im in and that ill never really be accepted. for who i am. and im going to deal with all this shit when im older and maybe im just making it worse by not telling my parents right now? i dunno but everything really sucks knowing that love is conditional. not like my parents wouldnt love me if i came out to me. but theyll feel like they failed as parents and never want to meet my significant other and be embarassed to tell family members about it. because thats how they feel with my sister. and Oh man that knowledge is horrible... i always knew they werent accepting but now i know the reality of it. Shoutout to my siter for being the guinea pig! (i havent told her anything my mom said because i cant bear to repeat it to her and break her heart. that she is banned from bringing her gf around). idk sorry for being such a debby downer but That just really sucks Rn. and i Needed to tell someone about it without feeling guilty for like subjecting someone to traumadumping or venting or whatever the word is. IF YOU READ THIS IT IS AT UR OWN DISCRETION. Thx multiverse. anyways... my summer is BASCAILLY OVER!! and this asb camp is so stressful im so ready for it to be over. i think genuinely i cannot get along with 90% of people in this world IDK WHATS WRONG WITH ME oh my god i cant describe it. im in a council with a bunch of random asb kids from the camp and idk anyone and holy crap. i feel like an alien trying to be hip or something and failing HOW DOES EVERYONE JUST KNOW HOW TO ACT. i just end out looking so stupid or being SUPER awkward or rambling or seomthing and IDK HOW TO BE NORMAL. and then i feel like im trying TOO hard and theres no Use and everyone is Def judging me and thinks im weird and im stuck in a loop!!

BY BIG THIEF

"With her long black hair

It's not the open weaving

Nor the furnace glow

Nor the blood of you bleeding

As you try to let go"

i just feel so StUPID like everyone knows everything but me!!!!!!!!!! and its weird because ive ALWASYS considered myself an outgoing person but Slap me into a group of random kids my age in this loud overwhelming camp and suddenly i am unable to speak to anyone without looking like an Idiot. i cant descibe it but the feeling i feel . i SWERAR IM OUTGOING IM LITERALLY IN ASB BRO. i think im just gonna settle for just being the girl that sometimes talks but isnt rly tight with anyone and just kinda chill in the back and casually participates. thats a good compromise.... im not ANTISOCIAL. I FEEL SO SILLY I NEED THIS CAMP TO BE OVERRRRR IM GONNA DIE THIS IS ACTUALLY MY PERSONAL HELLLL HOW DO PEOPLE DO ITTT *Cries*.. maybe i think this has just been a super stressful week and im feelin Down on myself. being with asb people always makes me feel like im a really negative person beaccuse i dislike a Lot of asb people (but ONLY asb people... idk why asb is just a different breed of evil) and then im like Wow why am i so negative maybe just be normal? but its only with asb so maybe asb is just filled with evil people ALL the time and its not me.. (its definitely me. and that also makes ME an evil asb person. Lol.). Idk wat im saying. but anyway ALSO the people from my school are the types... and i love all of them with all my heart there are 4 other people here from my school... but oh my god they wont shut up about their food 'jokes'. fun fact EATING FOOD DOES NOT EQUAL BEING UNHEALTHY!!!

ok one of them is on a diet and wont shut up about it... like actually hes on a hardcore diet which like Yas king but also im gonna die. and ALL THIS crap about calories oh my god i literally bought an APPLE JUICE from the gas station and Mr Diet was like that for 90 calories.. Yikes??? oh my god. genuinely im sorry waht the hell is wrong with people that its normal for people to comment shit about calorie count and call eachtother "fatty" and "bigback" just because youre fucking EATING FOOD. you have ZERO fucking idea what ANYONE is going through and its SO FUCKED UP and i cant STAND IT ANYMORE. and i HAVE TO BE WITH THIS ATTITUDE OF PEOPLE FOR 4 DAYS STRAIGHT. 3 MEALS A DAY FOR 4 DAYS of NONSTOP... "omg im still hungry! im gonna go get more food from this yummy dining hall!" "FATTY FATASS OMG U EAT SO MANY CALORIES". how about you go die???? words CANNOT EXPLAIN. a person will eat One thing to.. idk NOURISH THEIR BODY and everyone will call them fat and not to MENTION how much it reeks of fatphobia. sorry ive talked about this before and how much it bothers me but im just in a REALLY concentrated environment of ALL FOUR PEOPLE in my school acting like this (when ok not to be that girl. but they are all skinny little sticks and I Am the Biggest Person There. HaHahhAHhah hSo Funny HahHAHAHAHAHAH im laughing so hard.). just admit to urself u have eating problems without perpetuating and subjecting other people into that crap please genuinely i cant stnad it anymore idk how i have gone this far without. dying. i think by the end of these 4 days i might actually die maybe if i hear one more calorie fatty comment whatever the hell these people say. I could talk about this for hours and hours and holy crap i made this post actually long... oopsss i should be asleep actually it was lights out ages ago... but Rough Week i guess got a lot i had to say. Haha Sorry if u actually read this post its actually probably the worst one yet. maybe im just really hungry rn MmMM i want food (Haha maybe if i wasnt surrounded by absolute freaks who nitpick every fucking thing you put on your plate i wouldve eaten more for dinner Haha!!) Sorry i just cant get over that this is a real thing thats normal. anyways. SORRY YEAH ACTUAL MONYAY POST IS REAL!!! no promises about next monyay and the monyay after that.. next monyay im gonna be in an airbnb with a bunch of random strangers for a fellowship in the forest and the week after im on a vacay roadtrip with the fam so Idk. Time will tell Ig. Sorry this post was so sad actually im so chill Rn. it was just a rough week Maybe. Staying positive through it all (Definitely yay). Yay goodnight wish me luck on the rest of this asb camp because I'm going to need it. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

YOOOO INTERNET WHAT IS UP IN THE HOUSE IS IT ME BROOKE AGAIN!!! for what might be the last monyay forEVER (jk. last monyay for the next 3 weeks MAYBE... i MIGHT get time to make a short post on one or two of the monyays? but im not really sure). this week has been SO OVERWHELMING BRO. i feel like im suffocating and dying and this upcoming week im also super mega busy and i feel like im gonna EXPLODE!! IT ALL CAME AND WENT TOO FAST BRO im gonna die!! i feel like i have no time to be chill. i dont even know where to start on my week overview updates. i guess da monyay class. but lowkey todays class was the most normal monyay class i think ever... OR maybe i blacked out during the entire hour. i have been so dissociated?derealized? whatever the hell the word is where you feel like youre watching your life through a screen and my mind is separated from my body. and then i realize HOly crap im in this body and i have control of it. idk its freakin me out. and i felt so out of my body during my class today too. so Yay! but anyways... no congas today *growls* but i played the latin beat from last week bc i practiced a lot and he was rly impressed! he even was like "Omg is isaac still here" (sub from those two times)...

BY THE HEX DISPENSERS

BY AUSMUTEANTS

BY CAVEMEN

"Everybody's got a problem that will

Make somebody have a problem

That person is a time bomb

That person is a nightmare factory

That person is a time bomb

That person is a nightmare factory"

"He acts oh so dull

A hoof cracked his skull

Kicked in the head by a horse

His brain is unstable

And jumping up out of that stable

I'vе been kicked in the head by a horsе"

"Kiss me

I'll kiss you

Hold me

I'll Hold you

Love me

I love you

Kill me

I'm dying

Never wanna be this way, I'm just a dog on a chain

but he wasnt there but nico was like Omg hed be SOoOo Imprissed and stuff he Loves latin percussion or something like that so i felt like a Baddie cool girl. and so we did that.... THEN randomly he was like Actually i wanna try doing rock today!!! YAY!! so we practiced fills and stuff... i love jazz and all but imm glad we did rock! it was cool... i learned about a new type of like Idk thing idk what its called but it was awesome. and he was like "hm im very impressed brooke you alwyas pick things up very very fast im always impressed!" so i was like YEYYY PAWS UP IN THE AIR :333 i also learned how to change a cymbal. so that was Sick. and then i was freaked out because he literally yelled at me last week but No we did scales and i was happy and i did everything good even though i was confused at half diminished.. +7... whatever... idk... but i got it eventually. i think i need to stop acting like im dumb in that class because i alwyas feel liek i dont understand when i do and i think he thinks im a lot dumber than i actually am... i just dont wanna act cocky and then look stupid when im wrong so i just act Extra dumb to make sure im all good but then it makes me look stupid when i actually understand. anyways i felt really out of my body this whole class so i kinda dont remember. but i did well! and he forgot about the open mic THANK JESUS I WAS PRAYING HE FORGOT and i did NOT remind him. so he is NOT going. thank You Eveyrone. he told me to bring a practice pad to my trips which is funny... i guess ill bring it to my family vacay.. it would be weird if i took it to asb camp or my internship thing lol.

but yeah... idk todays class was so Normal i was liek Wow this is so normal! but i parked really hoirrbly. embarassing! anyways!!! the rest of my week was Chillin! my sister came home and my hip gay cousin from oklahoma was here so that was cool!! although i always become super evil and a hoirrble person when my sisters are home so i felt like my hip cousin from oklahoma hates me. but they all left now... my sister is visiting my other sister for aweek so now its just me in the house with my parents which is fine i guess!!!! im busy.... anyways.... OMG YK WHAT HAPPENED??? so on saturday i slept reallyyyy bad so i was really tired in the morning and my family came over that day for my sisters b day and so before they came i was so tired and my sister told me to drink one of her Yerba Mate energy drink things.... if yk what im talking about... they r basically just energy drinks that are fancy Idk... ive had like 1/5th of one before (i forgot it in the car in the morning once so i never finished it) so i was like ok! but backstory about me is that ive actually never had an energy drink in my life because Idk... my parents always talked about how bad they are... and so thus they have always freaked me out so ive avoided them my whole life... and ALSO ive don't like the taste of coffee so ive never had a cup of coffee before.... so the most caffeine ive ever had in my life is like a can of soda or a chai tea latte (ive had at most 40 mg?)... SO ALL THAT TO SAY i didnt really think about it and i drank like MOST of that can of tropical whatever yerba mate energy drink.. which has total 150 mg of caffeine (NOT EVEN ALL OF IT!!!!) and OH MY GOD. it felt like SOMEONE LITERALLY DRUGGED ME like i felt like?? idk how to explain it but holy crap it was actually HOIRRBLE!!!

BY DIRTY FENCES

BY LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

i cant freaking find the lyrics to this song or literally any other song i have put on here and i am actually too lazy to listen to it and write out the lyrics... but i reallylike this song its fire...

"Everybody makes mistakes

But I feel alright when I come undone

You are not making me wait

But it seems alright as long as something's happening

I try to make you late

But you fighting me off like a fire does

You try making me wait

But it feels alright as long as something's happening"

liek my whole body felt tingly in a bad way and i was exhausted but also jittery.. like jittery but i couldnt move at all.. and I COULD NOT FREAKING BREATHE. like i was full on hyperventilating for a while there. and literally it got so bad i cried like 5 times (and i NEVER CRY BRO.) then i got all dissociated-y and everything felt so weird and disconnected and i actually felt like my whole body was going to explode. IT WAS SO BAD I FELT HORRIBLE!!! AFTER LITERALLY ONE FREAKING ENERGY DRINK BRO. so lesson learned im never having an energy drink EVER AGAIN oh my GOD WHY DID IT FEEL LIKE I WAS GENUINELY TRIPPING AND TWEAKING!! so that was really unfun... literally how Tf do people drink a lot of caffeine without feeling like that... like What the hell does it do to normal people if not that bro.. so Yeah that was really weird. but lesson learned i guess!! Zomg also asb has been so evil recently its been stressing me out SO BADDDD BRO we are doing freshman admissions for asb and Holy crap the president and vp are doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHIGN. its SO DISORGANIZED. SO LAST MINUTE. and they DONT EVEN CARE. so its all up to the sec, tresurer and me to do everything and im gonna die its horrible and im writing emails and answering like A MILLION DMS A SECOND doing all this crap. Growl. but the freshmen are really cute they are all really nice and Lowkey they are GLAZING MEEEE!!! so Thx. one of them said they wanna be like me when theyre a senior and that im rly pretty. Heehee *blush*. thanks IVY!!!! i feel cool.

but yeah!! i also had a hangout with my friends and we made piza and watched despicable me 4 and i think i had the most funnest time ever!!! it was so fun and awesome and i love my friends. anyway.. ive been SOOO out of it i feel so UNREAL DUDE!! like im gonna explode maybe. all the politics happening right now maybe is horrible i never wanna hear about any of it ever again and its all my parents are ever talking about and they r like.. republicans and stuff... so its like i feel hoirrble... UHUFHUFHUGH!! and update on my sister coming out to my parents, i was complaining about my sister for doing something small like idk i forgot but my mom was like "She'll straighten out... just give her time.." and she left then came back and was like "let me just address the elephant in the room.." and was talking about my sister and her gf and that she thinks my sister should have higher standards? (she doesnt think her gf is good looking) but that is so CLEARLY CLEARLY prejudiced... her gf is a BLACK BUTCH LESBIAN. short hair... full on stud (baddie). so that take was celarly from a place of homophbia (and probably racism) so yay!!Yayy! and she kept brinigng up how she wished my sister dated the guys that were interested in her and she wished my sister was just friends with her gf instead of romantic with her and that "its not abt the fact that shes a girl!! i jsut dont like her!!" (theyve never met) and that she can tolerate it but my dad told my mom that he doesnt want anything to do with i.t.... and my mom is just waiting for her to "straighten out" (which is very poorly worded...). and Oh man. i couldnt even say anything... i didnt wanna argue im so ssick of aruging with her on those topics so i just Sat there while she said all this crap homophobia horribleness disguised as other stuff. its just like. Oh!! will she think its a phase when i come out too? will she be like this when i come out?will she just be like "oh brooke will straighten out soon enough"? because Holy crap it feels horrible to hear all that from your own mother about my sister. but also my sister IS a little... not... like... i dont disagree that she is going through some type of thing rn

cuz nothing she does feels like HER. idk its complicated. i feel like evil because in some sense i agree with my mom that she is going through a funk rn (but i disagree that its because shes bi and dating a girl. a different kinda funk. a funk shes been in for a while). but also UGHHH ITS HORRIBLE IM GONNA DIE IF I THINK ABOUT IT. ok whatever anyways its all too complicated to write out.. also Oversharing alert. naywyassss a week from today im leaving for.. EVIL ASB CAMP FOR 4 DAYS AT UCSB IM GOING TO DIE!!!! last year was horrible and evil and they FORCE you into a council with NO ONE FROM UR SCHOOL and FORCE YOU to make friends with all the asb kids and ONE THING abt asb kids is that they are all evil and impossible to get along with!!!!!!111 and im stuck with them... for 4 days straight... i like the people from MY school that are going but i wont even be with them because they split us all up into councils... im actually gonna die. im not cut out to be a social girl i think.!! im scared. i feel like i have such a hard time getting along with like 90% of people in this world and IDK WATS WRONG WITH ME!!!! IDK IM IN SUCH A FUNK RN I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE GAL WHEN BOTH MY SISTERS COME HOME BRO !!!! IDK WHY!!! Ugh guys im sorry this has been a tough week i am way too out of it for DIS LIFE BRO! im too stressed/freaked to respond to any messages and i feel so bad!!!!!!!!! Guys the summer thing is happening NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOO NAWWWWWWWWWW. THINKING POSITIVELY DOE. ME EVEERYDAY BECAUSE BEING ALIVE IS SO COOL. OK I COULD COMPLAIN ABT OTHER STUFF BUT IM NOT GONNA B THAT GAL SO GOODBYE ill HOPEFULLY try to get a post up next monyay at my asb camp but i might not be able to... we will see.. ITS ALL CHIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL BYE INTTERNET XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXX

It's me again. ur friendly neighborhood Man. Not spider-man because let me tell you dude... spiders have a personal vendetta against me this summer. They either hate me or love me TOO MUCH.

Here are all of their offenses. 1) I put on my shorts and a spider fell out of them. like ok perv get out of my pants?? 2) a spider released a bunch of her babies in my room in the middle of the night. lowkey might have been the same one that fell out of my shorts. 3) a non-related cellar spider decided to descend from the roof on their little web but LANDED ON MY FACE while I was COMPLETELY MINDING MY BUSINESS... (why is business spelled like bussy-ness and not buisness (biz-ness)??? idk. )

Also earlier my sister asked be to get a bug out of her room and it was this HUGE FREAKING HOUSE CENTIPEDE. Let it be known that they are completely harmless and cannot bite you and will eat other pests in ur house. So really they're good to have around... but they're kinda freaks... so I had 2 evict him..... <- this is what a house centipede looks like. it was so scary.

I really like bugs but sometimes they are frightening. It's ok tho. I can still appreciate them even if they are freaks.

would make art a career. I thought I would go to art school or something but now I'm not even considering that as an option... Doing art for a living feels like a pipe dream and I'm not even good at it anymore compared to other people my age. I've always known that I would need to choose a more realistic career or whatever but it just makes me sad. Like what am I going to do with my life!!! Be an environmental scientist??? bro thats also a pipe

I think I'm having the worst art block I've ever had in my life. (Probably an exaggeration.) I feel like in junior year I focused more on academics and it kind of killed my motivation to do art stuff. I feel like I barely even doodled in class. At least I didn't do it as much as I think I used to... I dunno. Maybe I'm a liar. But ever since I was a child and up until like, sophomore year, I was so convinced that I

anyways I am here to talk about my current crisis. I started this summer dead set on not wasting it away like I always end up doing but I don't think that worked out for me. Lolz.

dream. Idk I've never been a science guy in my life and now it feels kind of weird that this is My Thing. ART USED TO BE MY THING!!! WHY AM I LITERALLY NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT ANYMORE. Sigh. I should just be a super big musician and go on tours around the world and be famous. Except I'm NOT EVEN WRITING ANY MUSIC RIGHT NOW!!! I'm going to go INSANE. How can I justify ignoring my academics over the summer if I'm not even indulging in any artistic endeavors!!! I'm going to kms.

It feels like so many people are doing smart academic things this summer and I am Not. I can't even do my Freaking DRIVER'S ED. I can't even do my laundry!! I can't even clean my room!! I can't even go outside to walk my dog!! I can't even get myself to sleep at a normal time!! WHY IS 4 AM EARLY FOR ME. I do nothing all day and I think I am going crazy. I swear I'm not depressed... I'm just lazy... I have zero plans for college or the future how does anybody do this. I will

cry. Except I CAN'T because on top of art block I'm having emotion??? block???? What am i even saying. AND WHY IS THE FREAKING SPOTIFY FONT DIFFERENT. IT'S NOT ON MY PHONE BUT I JUST REALIZED IT IS ON MY COMPUTER. imagine me rolling around the floor and crying. that's what i'm mentally doing rn.

continuing on the vein of oversharing on the internet. i was gonna keep this to myself but im like ughhhhh. After watching I Saw The TV Glow I saw a lot of people talking about how it captures how, before figuring out that you're trans, it can feel like your life isn't even real. the real you is suffocating underground somewhere yada yada this isn't how life is supposed to feel something something someone took a shovel and dug out all my insides Blah blah blah.

But I feel like I never really left that stage of feeling like nothing is real and like I'm not actually living my life like I'm supposed to even after figuring out I'm trans??? And maybe it's because the vast majority of people in my life don't even really see me as a dude or at least I'm convinced that they don't or maybe it's because I haven't medically transitioned and that will fix things or maybe it's just a dysphoria thing because "my body doesn't feel real" -> "I don't feel real" -> "life doesn't feel real". IDK. I am literally emotionally constipated right now and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Or does everybody feel this way all the time and I'm just exaggerating my own (lack of) feelings to myself?????? Who knows tbh.... not me.......

amd some random trans person in a tiktok comment section also said something like. their takeaway from ISTTG was, "Now that I know who I am, it's on me to start living." I'M GOING TO SCREAM AND CRY BECAUSE YEA IT'S ON ME... this is all on me.... ugh. whatever it's whatever I don't even care. I got 5's on all my APs and that's all that matters in life probably...... anyways bye bye.

I'm so glad I got my main bike back and he's good to go!

I'm not sure when I'm going to start T. It's not a big goal, for me.

The biggest deal is I found a place to stay for summer, and I'm considering my options for when this place ends.

The MN e-bike rebate program is super strict, so I'm not going to go for that, anymore.

I currently feel inspired to advocate for public transit! It's not like we don't need more,why not!?

I'm honestly so glad to have my own 2 wheels again! I'm going to ride my bike for the rest of summer and fall!

I took June off for livestreaming and I'm back for July! I deleted 2 of my accounts, due to interpersonal agendas that I needed to completely remove myself from. It was easily to delete the accounts than to scrub them. Nothing illegal, but def horrendous!

The quest to be a solid internet icon is far from over. This isn't even a set back, due to things slowing down because I took a whole month off, anyway.

We still on the road to internet fame and fortune, babes!

Ko-fi subs - come to me!

TT subs and coins - come to me!

Money - come to me!

I'm already back because where like what 2-3 weeks in to summer brake and I'm bord out of my mind

Seeing pepole I know travel around Europe or just one cuntry only fuels my desire to travel even more.

I want to go to travel so baldy Aaaaaaa

I have started wacing a bit of Dunmeshi and it's pretty fun!

My main plan was to study in Malmö but I'm considering stocholm instead. Downsides, it's crazy expensive and Idk if it has any design programs much less product design ......

I spoke to a freend and now we might do a Denmark - German summer and if we have more money we will travel to Slovakia and Croasia

I want to use Procreate more but I dislike the brushes;/

If we manige to get the money for it

Call a cafe and ask if I could work there in the gall. They said that I should email them and they will respond with a job interview time, Sadly they have yet to respond to my email but I'm 1 step closer to geting a job.

I will still write and look for more jobs

I have sadly turned tooling Instagram reals to pass the time :(

I am celebrating my freends birthday on Sunday I'm really looking forward to it. I got him a little duck mug since he is moving out in a few weeks and he loves tea and ducks

It was great! we ate chips and dank soda and talked for hours

One last ting. I have decided to retake högskle provet it's going to suck but I want a better result to be able to get into more schools

Içm cureny in my famellys cotege. It. It's pretty fun:) I have been drawing for art fight a lot but after I am done with my bookmarks I'm going to start doing many traditional art studies

HELLLO INTERNET! it is ME AGAIN THIS MONYAY!!! Yippee!!! this is the seconf to last monyay before i die for 3 whole monyays..... Oh man... i feel like my summer is already over... i only h ave two weeks left before my chaos of a billion trips helll... Yay. Haha. anywyas...so GUESS WHAT!! i learned to play the CONGA today!!! it was awesome!!! i went to my class after the break last week and Nico Bro was 15 mins late.. he got a new student and he ALWAYSYSS goes late on lessons which is fun like Thx ik he cares Ig... but anyways this new student... Another teen girl.. maybe younger than me.. was in that class to learn the conga???? so i went in and he was like 'Ya i just got a kid who is learning the conga... u wanna try?? it kinda relates to jazz.. and latin music is my specialty' and i was like Omg what thats so cool OFC i wanna try.... sooo anyways theres these giant congas in the room and i learn... i like percussion instruments because unlike any other instruments a lot of them require u to MANSPREAD SO HARD and its so funny i feel so silly (im a #1 manspreader). anyways you have to liek shove the conga between your legs and like tilt it for better resonance or something and its Super awesome.. although its REALLY hard... like you think ur just banging it? NO ITS HARD!!!

BY of MONTREAL

song of the week!

"Mix bag, grab bag, pop the question

Have a ball runnin' wild between your spaghetti legs

Mix bag, grab bag, dirty pots

You'd best believe my love could fix the faucet"

BY of MONTREAL

BY of MONTREAL

BY SCREECHING WEASEL

BY TACOCAT

"I tip top topple over for my fun loving nun

Cause she has so much fun, so much joy

And so much wonderful love for everyone

She’s not like an ordinary person no she’s not

She turns a lonely room into a happy place

Transforms a grumpy look into a smiling face"

i was struggling rly hard actually to like... hit it good... like you have to use this certain part of your hand and like curl ur fingers all weird and its Tough! but he was like Ya its hard..... and then he was explaining all this latin music Crap to me and it was like. Oh man bro i JUST started to understand jazz and all those terms and how that works and then BOOM threw me into another World bro. it was funy he said like "ya idk if u noticed but i actually lead the afro cuban band at the middle school i work at (which is actually the middle school that i went to LOL) and i actually specialize in latin music and latin percussion and stuff" and i.. already knew that... LOL.. i did notice... he saif that cuz i follow his Damn instagram Ew.. anyways its actually REALLY cool like this WHOLE OTHER WORLD of music!!! and i learned about... clave.. beats??? and... many words that i forgot and i learned a latin beat and it was Super AWESOMELY COOL!!! i felt like a cool Baddie. but its really hard and i was struggling. a Alot. and then idk what the joke was but while he was writing down sheet music he made some joke and i laughed at it and he was like Thanks for laughing at all my jokes. Even though they aren't even funny. and i was like LOL no i like them. that was funny...... erm. anyways i did it and i was livin the awesome life... and then i picked my cuticle and it started bleedingNAW so i had to ask for a bandaid... and i had to confess my cuticle picking problem to him and he was like Ya me too.. so Ya then i told the story of when i started bleeding on piano keys during a class once and i was like Ya that was embarassing and he said Ya that IS embarassing... THANKS A LOT BRO. thx for the bandaid though. that i took off like immedietly after. anyways piano was horrible hell and horrible and i hate piano and i HATE IT

like OH MY GOD. Yk. i play the piano a LOT. and i can pretty much play whatever the HELL I WANT. ive been playing it a lot this week since i discovered a ton of of montreal songs with piano in it and i swear when i play i feel like a little genius because i can just look up the chords/tabs of a song and i can figure out how to play it REALLYY EASY like i can learn whatever Freaking song i want (thanks to Nico's teaching Tbh.... i never wouldve been able to do that before) . so when im at home i feel like a piano genius because i literally was able to figuer out songs like that.. i learned like 4 songs in the past 24 hours. like. Comeo n. but WHEN I STEP IN THAT DAMN ROOM WITH NICO ALL MY SKILLS EVERYTHING DISAPPEARS AND I LOOK LIKE A DAMN IDIOT. oh my GOD. ok first of all i have NO idea what to practice.. its all so vague. so i did NOT practice whatever my AUDITION STUFF FROM MY JAZZ BAND AUDITION A MONTH AGO CUZ I THOUGHT I WASS DONE. but NO he asked me to pull it out and comp and solo to FREAKING Blue 7 CRAP and i was like Bro. i DIDNT KNOW I HAD TO PRACTICE THAT BECAUSE WE DID NOT DO THAT 2 WEEKS AGO?? and he was like.. ok Comp to Blue 7... and i was like ok... and i DID and hewas like NOT ENOUGH. SWITHC IT UP. VOICE LEADING. INVERSIONS. and i was like... AHDBaHAhaHa Okay. and hewas like. "DONT be ashamed. its MY job to teach. but you should KNOW this. Fr. DONT be ashamed. DOnt give me that look" OK WTF?????? WTTTFFF????? IS WERONG WITH HIM. HE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT WHATEVR CRAP AND I WAS LIKE oh my god. my face got all red and i was just like Okay Yeha Thumbs uP!!!!!! bro i swear to god. idk why i freeze up. because i KNOW i could do that crap EASY at home but i have no confidence!!

hello this song has no lyrics its just piano... im putting it becaue i just learned it on the piano!! its so fun and Whimsy awesomeness..... did you know that coquelicot means poppy in french? poppy is the name of my cat!! this album is awesome!!! and this song is adorable and super duper fun to play on the piano... although it is short and sweet!

"Won't end up like you want us to be

But so what cause we're always gonna be happy

Cause we don't give a shit about tomorrow

Tell us we'll regret those things we did

But we're just gonna give you a big wet kiss

Cause we don't give a shit about tomorrow"

"It’s that time, that time of the month

Well I woke up early and I got a hunch

Gonna head on down to the beach today, surf all my girl probs away

‘Cause all I wanna do is cry, ask mother nature why why why

Listen to The Cramps on my stereo, turn it up as loud as it will go

Surfin’, surfin’ the wave

All the girls are surfin’ the wave

Surfin’ the crimson wave today"

aand he was like Oh maybe not i dont wanna embarass you. HELP ME HELP ME YOU WILLLLLLLL YOU WILL I THINK ILL DIE IF HE SHOWS UP AT THAT GODDAMN OPEN MIC GOD HELP ME. and then we kinda talked about the cafe tht its at. he was like Ok pls remind me so i can go!!! ( iwont). Help me. im actually terrified. and my other friend childhood bff also wants to come and now theres too many peopele im gonna explode and die. I ONLY WANT THE HIP MILLENIALS WHO DO SICK POETRY THERE (and my other awesome friends that also perform. they are also Cool. and they were the ones who showed me that open mic :3). I SHOULDNT HAVE TOLD ANYONE. I SHOULDNT HAVE TOLD THAT FREAKOOOO. Help me. What a fun and awesome class... today... Yeah.... OH YEAH and at the beginning when i walked in and he was 15 minutes late this Random apple drum teacher saw that i had my brushes and started talking to me and asking me about my brushes and all that Crap and i was so awkward IM NOT MADE FOR THIS LIFE IM GONNA DIEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help. im dead. anyways i have been talking about that for WAAAYYY too long oh my god. sorry today was a Doozy!!! but at least ETHO uploaded today and it was a 50 minute video and i was sSOOO HAPPIEHH!!! andi hung out with da Biffle Bae on friday and it was such an awesome balst and i had a awesome time and i made a FURSONA and im a little bobcat and its so cute and i think my life is way better now that i have a fursona i think!!!! so thats a highlight of my week Def. and we went and watched the sunset while i rated trolls ships...... what an awesome time.... and the fourth of juuly was super fun and i swam which was Cool. and my little cousin is adorable and my uncle randomly was like.. Brooke,.... i just heard of BABYMETAL.. and i was like OH MY GOD UR KIDDING ME UNC!!!!!!!! and we talked about BABYMETAL for a while because I LOVE BABYMETAL!!! and its so funny that my uncle knows them. i was so excited. i LOVE THEM. no one UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH I LOVE BABYMETAALLLLLLLL!!!! but ive TOTALLY been in a music rut recently! IDK. im scared im gonna Over-listen to of Montreal and then i wont like them any more.. theyve been my fave band for so long but recently its ALL i can listen to. I DONT WANNA OVERLISTEEN!!! im scared... but they r SOO GOOOD oh my GOD. words cant explain!!

like all my confidence disappears.... due to fear of making mistakes maybe... but i know i can do that crap at home. IDK WATS WRONG WITH MEEEEE. but he was so mad today... he was like "yk it feels like we are going backwards and sitting here learning the same thing every week because ive heard you do better before. i can sit here and teach you the same thing but you need to be practicing" and i was going to Burst out right there i was like Okay. (im gonna die im so upset). and it SUCKS BC I PLAY PIANO ALL THE TIME!!!! jazz is impossible and it makes me wanna die. on the piano. I CAN DO IT I SWEAR. im so embarassed. im so excited to not see him for 3 weeks. (no im not)(yes i am)(I wanna die). anyways i had mentioned to him that im ACtaully planning on performing keyboard at an open mic with my Biffle Bae (on acoustic guitar. Heart.) NEXT FRIDAY and he asked what songs and i said them... whatever belle and sebastian and a kings of convinience song and he was like Oh ya ive heard of belle and sebastian but ive never heard of that second one.. WHAT??? UR TELLING ME MR. KNOWS EVERY MUSIC EVER HAS NEVER HEARD OF KINGS OF CONVINIENCE???? WHAT TF KINDA HIP MUSIC DUDE HASNT??? and i was like *shocked face* you... Y-you... Havent heard of kings of convinenc..e....??? (exaggerated) and he was like.. ya... what are they.. 90s indie? and i was like Ya early 2000s indie and he was like Ya i never got into 2000s indie... wow what a LITTLE FREAK. so im better than him basically. (JK.). he asked if i needed help but i said Naw i got it (BECAUSE I DO BECAUSE IM FREAKING GOOD AT THE PIANO. ITS EASY. I SWEAR IM NOT BAD OH MY GOD.) and yk what this FREAK asks... Omg where is it... what day.. what time... OMG maybe ill show up.. Hhaaha Remind me! OH MY GOD NO NO NO NO NONONO. NOnNONoONO. THIS FREAK GOES... is ur family going.. and i said Naw. and he was like Oh just ur friends and i was like Yah.....

their discography is SO big so im making a thing to listen to every single of Montreal album from the begininning and they are all SO good.. i like listening to how their sound changes from indie to alt over the years its reallyREALLY cool... their og older albums are SOOO underrated.. oh MAN so good!!! but thats what ive been ON for the past.. while. and im rating all the albums in my notes and stuff. i Love you kevin barnes. Heart. anyways. im feeling very overwhelmed by life now i have something going on like every single day and im trying to get my last hangouts with my friends in and babysitting and asb and everything is just coming so QUICKLY!! i might explode maybeeeee!!! OMg ap scores came out and i think the internet is evil for existing. and i tried not going on insta. sigh... maybe i should stop caring so much MAYBE!~!!!!! anywaayyssss.... i just made a new playlist public... thank you punk rock for existing i am indebited to you and also i hate you why are you so impossible to play on the drums. SIIIGGHH!H!!!!!!!!!!!111 anyways//// this post took me longer than usual i was really distacted by a lot of stuff Hehhhhhh.............. oh my god the song im listening to is so good everyone listen to These Freaks by Dirty Fences RIGHT NOW WOWWWW i love this song thank you spotify!! anyways i am off... porbably to watch my new Fav show Komi Can't Communicate its SO GOOODDDD!!!!! i love it.. Lol... anyways Goodnight multiverse (pls come back i miss you) :33333 XOXOXOXXOXOOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXX

HELLO MONYAYERS OF MULTIVERSE!! it is me again... writing late at night because i had a busy crazy day!!!! but Alas i must grind it out for all the loyal monyayers out there... Yeah... For sure...... Erm.. this post might be shorter than usual bc im Lowkey really tired but ALAS I CANNOT MISS A MONYAY OR ELSE I DIE!! (im going to have to miss like 3 monyays later this month... i think ill die....)... well anyways i had a decently soli week this week!! i didn't have class today because like they had a 1 week summer vacation or something idk.. so ya no typical monyay updates on That.... Thank God... but ya..... Hmmm... whats the Vibe this week... well i went to monterey on a quick 3 day vacay this past weekend with my family and cousins and it was SUPER fun!! my sister.. .the one who came out to my parents... stayed home because she was really sick so that was sad.. but Tbh shes in a bad mood all the time whenever shes home sooo..... ya... OMG last i updated on her coming out i was talking about how the vibe is off.. and i was RIGHT. it WAS off... the next day on tuesday my mom sat her down and started going off about how her girlfriend is manipulative and bad and she wants her to break up with her gf... its not abt her being gay.. but it CLEARLY is bro....come on....

BY FOSTER THE PEOPLE

"Got shackles on my wings on tight

Beggin' makin' compromise

Fast enough it's hard to hide

Sometimes I want to disappear"

BY YAUCHT&CLASSIX

BY TANGERINE DREAM

like she made a thing about how normal relationships dont move that fast (they said ily after 4 months and are really reallllyyy close) and something about it being weird that her gf paid?? (her gf is like.. pretty stereotypical butch lesbian vibes... so makes sense for her to pay in my head....) but something about how MEN pay because they can provide but its WEIRD when its a girl... and idk all this crap. a lot of it is just like "if she were a boy then i'd think this and that" but... i dont think thats how it works!! really, fundamentally, lesbian relationships are NOT straight relationships. point blank. therefore, i do not think they can be COMPARED to straight relationships. lesbian culture and straight culture is WORLDS different and so behaviors and all that stuff WILL be different!!! like... its super common in lesbian culture to say i love you quicker or move quicker in relationships (think: u-haul lesbians)... because the way in which you form relationships between 2 girls is simply different than a girl and a guy. half of that is such the appeal for BEING a lesbian... like.. with 2 girls, the level of understanding and relatability between the two is so much deeper and happens quicker because you just understand eachother on that deeper level having gone through girlhood... and that just doesn't happen with straight relationships.. and thats fine.. my point is just.. its just fundamentally different and incomparable. and im not saying lesbian culture is better and that you cant get hurt.. because Ya its true that forming relationships where its quicker and deeper like that its way easier to get hurt (think: the stereotype that ur first lesbian breakup is the worst most horrible thing ever), and that could happen

"I used to live in a heartbeat city

I swear I'd fall in love every minute on the street

You might be walking around the corner

And our eyes might meet

Where you've been darling darling?

We've been holding this moment for you

to my sister for sure!! but also i think my mom just.... simply doesn't understand it.. and i think.. a lot of it... MIGHT be an excuse to dislike her relaitonship and be homophobic.. but also i think she just doesn't understand the culture of it and that she is comparing apples to oranges... and that she needs to view this relationship from a different lens. "if she were a boy" doesn't work because shes NOT!! shes a girl!!!! so she should see her as one!! idk i could actually go on and on about this topic,, i am very passionate about lesbianism..... but alas i have already been talking about it for way too long AND i already went on a twitter rant about it. so Ya i think that may have been why she stayed home from the trip. ANYWAYS the trip was so AWESOME!! we went to the aquarium.. and aa bunch of cool places and i got to hang out with my adorable little 10 year old cousin jonathan... i love him so much hes so fun.. my little best friend. he is super intense to be with sometimes... but we are literally attached at the hip when we are together.. hes so amazing :3 and my other cousin.. shes older.. shes so awesome too i love her!! she loves musicals and she is a graphic designer and shes so cool!! shes so funny.... she saw my little lesbian pin and complinented it and was like Omg its ur month! :3 and when we left she whispered Happy pride to me IM CRYING actually.. shes the one person other than my sisters in my family i have ever come out to and im glad i did.... i actually love her so much shes so amazing!!! It's the little things. Heh. Heheh. but anyway i had a cool awesome time at monterey... except for night time.. my mom snores SO LOUD its evil and i could barely sleep the whole time.. EVEN WHEN BLASTING SLEEPING MUSIC AND NOISE IN MY EARS... *shudders*... so ya im glad its over... but it was cool and i took lots of awesome pictures and im gonna make a montage tomorrow! so AWESOME!

hello there are no lyrics because this is tangerine dream but Holy crap i didnt realize how fire this WHOLE album is... ive been listening to a lot more TD recently and every time a song from this album comes up im like HOLY MAC. i love this song and i love the title of it. considering TD's long discography i always seem to love their newer stuff, oddly. well i love this song and i think its so beautiful!!!!!

BY of MONTREAL

i loooove my family!!! especially my eldest sister..... i literally have never appreciated her more than i have now... she is probably the best gal ever and im so lucky to have her as my sister!! growing up we were never as close.. and we still arent.. but just her presence! shes always around and never really in a bad mood and i can always go to her to ask her stuff about like anything or we can just chill in eachothers presence and its really nice! we went to get our nails done together (my mom and other sister had to go to urgent care cuz she was sick) and usually i dont like getting my nails done because 1. im embarassed because i have a skin picking problem so my fingers are scabbed up and every time i go they comment on it really condescendingly and its embarassing and horrible and i hate it and 2. i hate having long nails and usually its just uncomfortable and just.. not for me. but anyways Ya i went with my eldest sister and i was Lowk nervous like idk i havent gone in so long i was kinda stressed.. and my sister!! she went and whispered something to my nail girl!!! she nodded understandingly... for a second, just before she started doing stuff... and i have no idea what she told her but i assume it was about like.. not commenting about the state of my fingers maybe.. which i told her i was kinda stressed about before we went in.. and its literally so tiny.. such a small little thing that shouldnt really matter too much but she went out of her way to like... look out for me!!! and just Oh man. she is just the best ever and i love her sososoo much!! we went to sushi after and it was awesome. im SO happy shes home for the summer and i will enjoy every second!

"You don't understand what the morning does to me

In the poison daylight I can hear

Shadows crawling over everything

I'll go down on you if that would make you happy

My panda bear"

BY MARCOS VALLE

*lyrics translated from Portuguese*

"How good it is to live

Water to drink, will drink

Just like coconut water

Smell of desire, camaraderie

And perfume on the body

I like to stay in this delirium

Delirious with you

By your side, life becomes more beautiful

There's no crying, no pain"

i have just been really feelin like Wow. im so lucky to have her. i have some pretty awesome sisters i think. its real nice. !!!! annywyas my nails were rly cute they were staarrss!! ok anywasysss!! ok this is completely unrelated but i just needed to get this off my chest. OK LITERALLY I SWEAR TO GOD maybe this is me being a sensitive snowflake but i HATE the word bop. its so stupid and every time i hear it i cringe and tweak out because its literlaly just a new word to slut shame girls without saying the word slut like OH MY GOD how are we still ON THIS!!>!!!? "ouhhh thats bop behavior" SHUT UP!!!! why r people so obsessed with other people sometimes maybe... Ugh anyways i just had to say that. been on my mind. anywaayyysss.... today was pretty crazy and fun!! i was supposed to have kbbq with my 2 Main Friends this morning for lunch and then one of them invited her cousin so then it was 4 of us LOOOLL and then we went and da Biffle Bae WAS STILL ASSLEEEEPPP LOLOLOLLLL it was like 12 and we waited half an hour and SHE STILL DIDNT WAKE UP i was so Depresso... so it was jut 3 of us we went and ate without her and she texted like 15 mins later that she just woke up.. SIgh.... but the kbbq wasa so Bombb bro.. and it was chill but it made my stomach hurt. MmmMMM i think i love kbbq so much its probably the best thing ever probably. i Missed my biffle bae tho. anyway... for asb we have to do like.. admissions for the incoming freshmen or whatever and i SWEAR TO GOD NO ONE CARES BUT ME. kinda... they care but the president and vp like half-ass everything and it leaves the secretary, treasurer and me (historian) to do most everything.... and i think i care too much or they dont care enough because no one else seems as stressed out about this. or maybe they r all SUPER busy this summer or something idk. but its all so off track and im freaked.. but anyways i had to go to school today to hang up promo flyers SHOUTOUT DA BIFFLE BAE FOR HELPING ME IN DA HOT SUN! my realest 1!!

literally it took us an hour and a half to hang up 40 flyers in our deserted school over summer and i STILL need to make a poster or some crap... (because SOMEONE (the president) DIDNT THINK AHEAD and DIDNT EMAIL ANYONE UNTIL LAST MINUTE SO WE CAN GIVE A SPEECH so now the only way we can promote is THROUGH FLYERS AND POSTERS oh ym godds im so annoyed) its Watever... my flyers were cute.. and i got to post the application on the google classroom because the president was like in the car and couldnt do it.... so i felt important. I guess. whatever im still annoyed.. Pls care more PLEASE. or maybe i need to chill out and stop caring like everyone else. perfectionism is a blessing and a curse. also i feel like im overstepping my bounds as historian by taking so much charge in this but no one else is doing anything So. anyways after we hung up flyers then we met up with this OTHER girl who went to summer school whose friends with some of my friends and then there were FIVE of us.... and it was a Crazy dynamic... and we played monopoly and it was crazy and everyone cheated Bro literally whats the point of playing a game if u cheat... but i went bankrupt because someone was stealing all my money while i wasnt looking Sigh!!! ya it was chill tho Alas... the whole thing was just funny... Silly... anyways... i was WRONG this post is just as long as my OTHER POSTS!!!!!!! omg wait just thinking about how i learned about the freaky taxidermy lion today Oh my god i need to look that up again (WThanks BB) i always wonder if these posts ever make senesee im literallyt just blabbing about whatever i think about on here like Da frick.... this post was kinda Boring...RIP NICO... and i kinda had a chill week so Ya idk. thNks internet... i will see you next monyay :333333333333333333333333333

anyways i actually have nothing to talk about tbh... hmm..... hmmmmmmmmmmm....................... just give me a second

broken social scene's self-titled album

i want to skateboard but i'm still really bad at it. there are too many obstacles in my path to becoming the skater boy of my dreams rn...

i wake up too late so it's too hot out and i just cannot take the public humiliation of trying to learn how to skate out in the open. i wish i could just stay in my backyard or garage but there's no space. also.

anyways now i can never step foot outside again out of a paralyzing fear that the UPS guy is perceiving me.

i hate being unmotivated like this but also i feel like this is my default state. i am just lazy at my core i really believe that. ugh i need to do drivers ed... i KNOW it isnt hard but i just dont even wanna do anything at all

THE FUCKING UPS GUY.

i cannot stop thinking about when i was outside my house and this guy comes to drop off a package and he says "hey you're the kid that's always roaming around!" NOO I AM NOT... IS IT SUCH A CRIME THAT I LIKE TO ROAM...

anyways guys i really like marvel media and stuff but sometimes i'm like Wow the military propaganda is crazy. the copaganda is crazy!! i mean it's not like this is new or anything i've just been thinking about it. like i'm playing the ps4 spider-man game and why is my boy spidey just an extension of the police...

i'm really scared to go get my senior photos taken i kinda want to see if i can do it in like august instead. i booked mine for mid july but now im realizing that's pretty soon... i need to look better i really don't like my hair rn because it's too short i keep cutting it on impulse. also i have never taken a school photo and liked how it looked like Ever. i actually cant stand pictures in general i just cant be normal about them its so bad

also what if they don't have any suits in my size?? what do i do. i need to call and ask or something. my mom was like "yea i don't think they're gonna have anything for you" and i was like "yea i know... but there are short guys so maybe they will" and she was like "yeah but not short like you"

okay Ouch. okay whatever. like i don't even care it's like whatever.

that aside i like the game i really wanna get the 100% completion suit (it's literally just spider-man wearing nothing but his underwear and a mask im like lol Hey hi. that was weird somebody just typed that into my computer. the demons.... the demons r trying to tarnish my good name again..............)

completely unrelated but ive been thinking about this one tiktok that i saw that a lot of ppl liked/ reposted about neopronouns and i'm like. literally who gives a flying fuck "oh they make the community look bad oh people aren't gonna respect us" i dont fw respectability politics they're not gonna respect us either way. and i dont think the end goal of any marginalized communities' movement should be appeasing the people who dont even like them. and who cares if you think it's weird if they're not hurting anyone why does it even matter.

normalize being a weirdo freak loser because ultimately every single one of us is going to die and when your time is running out you're not gonna regret the fact that you didn't fit in you're gonna regret that you denied yourself things that made you happy.

quote me on that Yea. k i made this post like way too long this lowkey took me all day. like i said i do literally nothing. all day. Until next time interweb

guys im not gonna lie sometimes i resent how its so normal to make fun of guys for their height. i know its not that deep and im never gonna tell people that. but like idk i don't like feeling like my body is funny. sorry 2 deep maybe. i need to just thug it out but idk how.

im thinking i should get piercings and maybe i will be like Yay! i look awesome. i want an industrial ear piercing but idk if i have the anatomy for it :( same with like an eyebrow piercing. and i want just like a second piercing on my lobes or smth... ive been entertaining the idea of a septum piercing but my parents would probably not like it. but i feel like its a good face piercing to get because if i regret it its not even like the scars gonna show and its an easy piercing to hide if i need to. yk?

this is the only album i've been listening to lately and i mean that in the sense that i'm trying to listen to the whole thing but it's taken me like days to get through it. not because it's bad!!! i enjoy it a lot but i just am not listening to music constantly right now Like i said... sigh.... someone should make me a playlist or smth bc idk what to do with myself im like Help me help me!!!

anyways broken social scene rocks tbh

okay i have been in like a creative rut lately. like i cannot draw and i cannot get myself to write any music... i don't even listen to music rn... like on a day to day basis i do not put on a playlist or ANYTHING... it's really sad like why am i a freak doing things in dead silence. i'm gonna fix that right now actually and put on some tunes.

it's that time of year again. and by that time of year i mean i am once again reaching the point in summer break in which i don't sleep until 7 am and wake up at 4 pm even though i do absolutely nothing all day and time is just one big blur and i don't want to leave the house or my room and i don't feel like a real person. Haha. sorry maybe oversharing on the internet is a bad idea actually this is why i bought a journal

HELLO INTERWEB. sorry bad joke. HELLO INTERNET. i think that i do not overshare on the internet ENOUGH!! sometimes i'm like Yea i wanna get in on that. so that is what i am doing 2day. because i am inexplicably bored.

this is from the michihara logh manga... they're just bros i swear

i return for what will nearly certainly be my final journal entry from taiwan. next monday morning i'll be on the first plane of the three i need to get back home. and then i'll be home. and then i'll be normal (?). ignore any evidence that says otherwise in this post i swear i'm gonna go on my normal arc and also get a buzzcut. not enlist in the navy tho

my mother sent me an email yesterday with a link to some articles she'd been reading about advice for reverse-culture shock, when exchange students return home. it's interesting to think about, because i still feel like i never had a serious culture shock here in the first place? one of the articles said students who adjust back to their home easily probably didn't adapt to their host culture that much. "is that me?" i worried. i remembered drinking with the dads last weekend at my final rotary meeting. one of them, the current youth exchange chair, said i was the best exchange student he'd ever met (bragging). i think i did a good job. that was my first time ever getting close to drunk, even though i drank less than usual. it's probably because the old man i've never ever compared to seafort was awkwardly singing karaoke in the front.

finally got my financial aid offer, got my first choice of dorm and a single, talking to someone on insta who'll be in the same dorm so i've already made my first friend there! made a mock schedule for my first semester but i still gotta talk to my advisor whenever i meet her. signed up for orientation events. "i can do college no problem i've already lived on the other side of the world for a year" WRONG i still had adults telling me what to do all the time man i ain't qualified for this... whatever we still gotta do it. because at college, there will be new people. and i can recommend seafort and rodrigo to new people. my priorities are good i think. thinking more about the future. i don't want to go into the field of astronomy. still going to major in astronomy though. for the funny math/phys classes. yeah.

time too! look at me go

i finished reading seafort! the last book was really good and i don't even mind the open ending. i'm so mature. i'm done with highschool forever and ever and ever. the last week was actually pretty nice since i just had to sit in the library instead of attend class so i got to read a lot.

i went out for food with a classmate after class for the first

f

f

yesterday i found an old seafort forum and a whole bunch of dead fansites from the 2000s. surprisingly amount of overlap between the americans fans who were serving in the navy and japanese fujoshis. the world is a beautiful place. (most of the art on this post besides the logh manga panels are from those sites)

wait i thought they were bros... what did tanaka mean by this then

i'd already planned to make two fanpages for rodrigo and seafort, but now i definitely have to in order to carry on this time-honored tradition. it's really nice to see fans passionate about the same things as you, even if they've all moved on by now. "hope is something you create with your own hands" - a speech abt shipping vn...

it turns out i'm still a normie when it comes to being a seafort fan. i've only read the series once in its entirety, and i certainly can't cite the regs. this summer, perhaps, when i get my hands on the physical books... it's nice to see other fans, but sad, too. lt arlene achieved her goal of studying journalism in the us and is now an editor of a major paper. midn fernandez passed away in 2013. one guy got married bc of seafort. the longest thread in the forum is a debate about seafort's sexuality. everyone remains civil and it veers off into a discussion of the futility of labels before finally being brought to an end by feintuch himself--seafort isn't gay. the end. huh?

pax!

i fell behind with in the last couple of weeks with my bible reading. not sure if i'll still be able to finish it before the exchange ends. we'll see.

s

i finished the main storyline of bully and i liked it so much! it's a really nice game. i've started working on an edit for it to msi's uncle... i've been reading the horatio hornblower series since it gets cited as the inspiration to seafort a lot, and while i can definitely see why.... it kinda sucks ass so far? despite being both more popular and better reviewed... slowly getting into it. it is why i found that forum, though (find out there's a hornblower fandom -> complain that it only exists bc of the film series -> go look at the film studio that bought seafort's rights -> if it was post-feintuch death, does that mean they'd be willing to let me look at book 8 too? -> what do we actually know abt book 8 -> FORUM), so it was good for something at least

when i first found the forum and fansites i made a joke wondering what terrible thing was coming in my future to make god feel this sorry for me. maybe the terrible thing was straight seafort. maybe the terrible thing was simply the knowledge itself. people once set up pbem (play by email) rpgs within the seafort universe. some guy once got marriage advice from feintuch himself. and i'll only ever be able to observe from the future. that's not the worst fate, i think.

barefoot through the grass and play soccer with my kid neighbor and pull weeds in the garden. i want to embroider felt crosses and learn how to properly pray the rosary and be completely and utterly bored as i lay in a patch of sunlight.

this summer i want to try and read all the unread books i have sitting around in my room. i want to catch crayfish and go swimming in the creek. i want to run

Maybe do another check in month for Oct - LGBTQ history month!

A little update on how my goals are going.

I've had to rearrange some things.

Being homeless is such a struggle on top of other things, so I'm focusing on reprogramming and doing the things while I'm housed.

I'm considering traveling again this winter, but I'll see what that looks like with my partner's birthday in Jan.

I found a place to live for summer!

In a part of focusing on health, I'm going to make an effort to get back on my bike(s) for the rest of summer, into fall.

Might consider a short bike tour. I've got alot to think about, and I'm be more considerate of other things after I'm housed.

I'm also putting more energy into being an unhoused educator.

BY OF MONTREAL

BY TELE NOVELLA

BY DARK THOUGHTS

Haliillooo internet its me again. bros... i miss this site... barely anyone posts on here anymore its so sad.... i also feel guilty taking up lke the entirety of the home page but i also literally only post once a week.. Sigh. anyways YAY we made it through another week and we made it through another monyay!! barely... my whole family is home now... both of my sisters are here at my house and now everytihing feels so family..ish..! anyways Freakdontsurf is back from his Vacay to alaska... Erm.... ya cuz he kept posting pics of him shirtless on some iceburg downing buzzballs HELP ME WHATS WRONG WITH HIM. ALL HE POSTS ABOUT IS BUZZBALLS NO JOKE. but he was back and i was kinda alright today.... So many 5 stroke rolls... SO MANY... and the Damn drum head was way to high for me so i was focusing so hard on not hitting the rim and not on the 5 stroke rolls and i was kkinda bad but tis Waatever. he asked me what i got up to in the past 2 weeks and idk why i didnt say something cool like "oh i went to 2 concerts!" "oh i watched inside out 2!" "oh i babysat!" but Nope i said "oh i just played games all day..." and he asked me and i said WIZARD101 LIKE A FREAK. he was like LOL thats so old.. you like that?? Help me. and then he asked me to freaking sing this thelonious monk song and i couldnt (cuz i didnt know the song well enough to remember) and i was so awkward and he was literally laughing at me and it was so emabrassing

"When things are too nice for too long

I lose myself, I lose my what's good

Want to lash out, want to blow things up again

I want to blow them up now

I want to blow them up again"

HEPLLPPP. so Yeah. something about transposing horn solos. Sooo guess whose listening to Striaght No Chaser and Nows the Time this week!!!!!!! ME. UGH. and then when we were changing rooms the like owner of the studio was like Zamn Nico i love your outfit you are lookin awesome (he was kinda dressed up in a colared shirt and belt and crap) and he whispered "i think my boss has a crush on me" so that was funny Ha Ha FREAKO. and then Idk piano was whatever just went over whatever isaac said last week of ii v i progressions and something.... common tones... he asked me if i knew the common tones of a line and i was like "dude......" and he waslike dude??? like BRO i literally told you like 3 seconds ago that when isaac explained it to me that i had no idea WHAT HE WAS EVEN TLAKING ABOUT. but i felt bad for calling him dude. but the dude ltierally Curses in front of me so its not like this is an uber professional Freaking thing BRAH. also he DMED ME ON INSTAGRAM WITHOUT FOLLOWING ME BACK FREAK ASS HOE (he was sending me a song). literally just text me. EMAIL ME. WH ARE YOU DMING ME ON INSTAGRAM WEIRDO. liike Thanks IG. and THEN on my way home i spot him in his stupid gray honda cr-v a couple lanes away from me and GUESS WHAT HE IS DOING. HE IS FREAKING ON HIS PHONE WHILE DRIVING. PHONE IN ONE HAND STEERING WHEEL IN THE OTHER FULLY DRIVING WHILE ON HIS PHONE. WHAT A FREAAAKKKK OMG. i was so Pissed. not really i was Jamming to Plateau Phase/No Careerism No Corruption by of Montreal ("Fricked in ur driveway... in ur drivewayy...") at that moment. NEVER TRUST A MAN THAT DRIVES A HONDA CR-V THAT IS LITERALLY A WHOLE ASS SUV!!! anyways that was the end... Please Brooke for the love of GOD practice this week... PLEASE!! all i do all day is eat hot chip play wizard 101 and rhythm heaven and go on ao3. i live a hard life. well anyways im ballin actually...

"The heart it seeks a story like the eye looks for a face

Her lovely style, her crooked smile

Thеy once have filled this placе

What went away? What could I say?

All she ever loved is right here

In all the world, one little pearl

For the oyster's autobiography"

"There's a sound only the kids can hear

Every time that they walk down the street

And I know they don't want us around

It's all ringing in my ears

Can you hear it ringing in my ears"

i had a pretty solid week. EXAMPLE A I WENT TO THEEEE OF MONTREAL CONCERT ON FRIDAY AND IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH KEVIN I SAW KEVIN BARNES IRL IN REAL LIFE ON THAT STAGE and it was the most amazing awesome time of my whole life im not exaggerating. i dont go to many concerts cuz im quite prone to getting overhwelmed in those types of situations so it waas a little scary but i had my Biffle Bae there and she liked it too and i discovered that if i just Really get into it into the music and the dancing and the flow of the crowd it is actually fun to be in a sweaty loud crowd!!!! so i was literally going Crazy in there like screaming all the lyrics and it was so much fun and the dancers on the stage were even cooler than i thought they would be and it was amazing. even though like... the demographic of of monteral fans is like... people in their 20s and 30s and literally half of them were drunk off of this earth and they shoved in front of us and somone started literally GRABBING AT ME and someone spilled their dirnk on me...and they smelled horrible and they were so sweaty and didn't know personal space... but it was wroth it for kevin. and they act just like he does in the interviews (obviously). I LOVE HIM HES LITERALLY SO AWKWARD AND LIKE QUIET AND THEN MAKES THIS AWESOME MUSIC. it was actually so awesome. now i cant stop listening to of Montreal. i cant stop listening. I CANT LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE. my Favorite band ever in the whole world. my dream came true. i actualy cannot stop talking about it to anyone who will listen i start like tweaking out. im new.....

BY OF MONTREAL

BY OF MONTREAL

im for Real a new person after this. i Literally peaked. SORRY I WONT SHUT UP ABOUT IT I LOVE YOU KEVIN BARNES. ok thnk you multiverse. anyways OTHER things happened this week!!! my sisters are home!!! my whole family is back together after a long timme and its nice... diffrerent from what i got used to. i love having my eldest sister around.. .shes amazing. my other sister came out to my parents last night (as bi... she has a girlfriend of four months)... and honestly thats terrifying. she saidnthey were like "u dont have to hide anything from us... wed like to meet ur gf.. we kinda knew" and all this stuff but it all feels off and i have no idea what they are actually thinking. and its not even me who came out but this sets the precedent for me and everything. but my sister was crying and all upset and shes going through an angsty moment which is understandable.. i would too. idk.. it all feels a little weird. and also... my mom Lowkey has problems with bisexual people (not a problem for me... just sucks for my sister...) like shes the mindset of like "just choose one" or just being weird about it and was saying questionable stuff about it today. i dont know. i feel sad and weird. but it was nice for me... my parents getting used to my sister being gay makes it easier to come out in the FAR FUTURE. i feeel bad for them. 2/3 of their daughters are gay... they have the whole spectrum too... HELLLPPPP. at least my eldest sister is a perfect angel who is going to be a housewife homemaker and have lots of grandkids for my parents.!!! also my dad is alwyays silent about that kinda stuff and its terrifying. idk... i feel bad and my sister has been acting weird and ive also just been mad with her recently so it all just feels off recently since shes back. i love her so much. also my mom got mad at me yesrtday because i went upstairs??? when no one was talking to me>>>??? while i was in the other room?like it wasnt that deep..

"My love has found somebody new

Though I should be cool, you know I do wish them

Only misery and for all his pleasures to corrode

If I could finish my jigsaw puzzle

I could start my life again

But I feel like I'm missing too many pieces

To make it to the end"

"In the sensory overload chamber

Massage the android until it turns on, die once every three minutes

Something to look forward to throughout your day

When people ask me my gender

I just tell them, "Brunette"

Oh, their brains are on peroxide

Phony pride speaks only when it should've cried"

and she went up to ask why i went upstairs and it seemed like i was not and i was like No i wasnt mad it was just loud down there and no one was talking to me and i was literally in the living room playing wizard101 when everyone was in the kitchen and she got PISSSEDDD like "why r u trying to act all autistic? so u can go to a loud concert with FURRIES and people spilling drinks on you and loud music but not be downstairs with ur loving family??" and she went ON AND ON ABOUT IT GIRL WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?????? SO MUCH SO UNPACK. iwas so MAD. what the hell actually. ok first of all hating on furries is literally so 2018 why are we still on this. OH MY GOD I CANT STAND FURRY HATE. sorry thats what i literally stuck on. like Come on girl what. and just. everything else. is just so... weird.. and Btw a conccert with one loud persisting MUSIC is different than lots of overlapping noises and voices and tv sounds. and also IT WASNT THAT DEEP LITERALLY I JUST WENT UPSTAIRS BECAUSE NO ONE WAS PLAYING WIZARD101 WITH ME ANYMORE AND THATS THE REASON WHY I WENT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACEFHKFJHSKDFJ. Girl. i was so.... Growls. Ugh i just had to get that out because isnt that so stupif??? literlalt Calm down. so yeah. anyways i babysat my favorite little 2 year old nadia twice this week and I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH!! she is just the cutest little baby i have ever darn met... even though her favorite word is No and she literally refuses to eat when i want her to... AND IM MAKING MONEY!!! FROM BABYSITTING!!! its not too much but its awesome!!!! i love getting out of the house and hanging out with my favorite baby and favorite dog ever. i always feel like im messing out or that im msissing something but i think im doing alrightish.... i also went and watched inside out 2 with my freidns and it was rllyyy good!! and we went to the park after which was inttttttteresting. i think ive come to the conclusion that i need to suck it up and just get the FOMO from missing out on like.. my church friends and stuff.. because they rly do not match my freak

and tbh they just make me feel bad about myself and say a bunch of shitty stuff around me and i just have to sit there and pretend its funny or else im sensitive or something and it sucks rly bad!!!! and i have to pretend to be this other person and ITS NOT WORTH IT! i went to church r=for this youth thing on wednesday and it was literlaly mid af. they just aren't my people. it uesd to be this really fun social thing for me (as my current relationship with religion is one big question mark) but now i just feel bad about it. they just!! arent my people i think!!! and thats ok i literally dont need to be the best person for everyone no matter how much i try to be.... but literally the biggest reason i go at this point is FOMO.... but now im literally not going to camp, i quit youth groups, and i dont go saturdays, im just so disconnected that its just not really worth it. i always say this but its ironic how the people super inolved with church are the meanest people... LOL.... anyways i am very content with my 2 awesome friends i love so much !!!!!!!!!! anyways i made this amazing watermelon shaved ice today and it was so good and soft and also i made RAMEN EGGS and they are SOoSosoOsooo good.!!!! and im going on a vacation to the NATIONS BEST AQUARIAM THIS FRIDAY!!! so ill Update on that next MONYAY!!! YIPPEE!! im so o! excited. I HOPE. YAY! gooooddnigghhtt multiverse.. (Please awaken again... i cant believe no one has posted on the All page in a WHOLEWEEK!! i feel so bad posting twice in a row...) XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX