the world i see

short hikes, friends, wooden texture, stationery, what do you see through your eyes?

Mutual Aid Caravan!

Vision 2022

• Composed on

I'll be joining a mutual aid caravan later this summer!

Mutual aid and travels to come!

I'll continue to raise money to support myself in travels while I ponder where I'm comfortable being dropped off on the route or at the end of the caravan.

Two thing I love in one: mutual aid and traveling!

Composed on

https://sajemtan.miraheze.org

https://discord.gg/VyhuStV

Xemacfê žûžimmon.

Ţeţatvêk zükžnu gyznytfê ro.

Kak lnûmêkfê födakvmê rilym snymmon.

Roâ kê zêâ kê zoâ ţök kemfê kê roâ kê zêâ kê zoâ kemfê râ!

Sömmun fic lackâfê sin doâ!

Cicümžnudâ snijat!

Composed on

Goodnight

S

W

E

E

D

R

E

A

M

S

T

null

on continuing to explore

an ongoing potential relationship to a system which.. may be meaningful for me. Maybe. We’ll see.

• Composed on

Hm. Finding myself back in the studies which compell. Exploring a belief system, or aspects of this system which may hold some value. The concepts that register with me, that make me really consider... maybe dedicating myself to experiencing, to observing these thoughts and notions that resonate. That actually do inspire a feeling that can be guiding in the midst of things that are so... unguided, unweighted by existence.

It's worth taking seriously. It really is. I have to wonder. I have to wonder and think, and sit with the thoughts that come up.

If nothing else, returning to the practice of being more observant, of listening to the way that I feel, that I think, that come up in my very being. That has to be worthwhile. That has to be start.

I'll never find it boring how I get drawn back, even after a while of feeling astray. Or feeling like it could not fit. And I see ways that maybe it could. Maybe I should try it.

Something about things being an ongoing process.

Composed on

Night's beauty isn't its brightest stars

but the tapestry of them all

FORGET

Composed on

I find

reality

is hardly as real as the name would

Instead I find my

dreams

dreams

are an anchor for today,

so it doesn't float away like everything else

imply

reality

2022.03.25-31

end of march diaries

• Composed on

it's been a bit since i've posted here.

my motivation in general has been going up and down throughout the month. i had a stretch where i was posting daily, nice and motivated to get my work done. then my brain caught up to me and i got to the point where i felt like nothing i did was good enough.

2022/03/25

2022/03/29

2022/03/31

i've been checking in on the site on a regular basis, but haven't been motivated enough to actually write anything for myself. (perhaps because i usually check it while at school, and all my gifs/imgs are on my home pc?)

this usually happens when i get really into a new piece of media and i start comparing myself to the professional level art and sometimes even the fanart. because my brain hates me, i got into three different things at once (started watching vtubers again, witch hat atelier, and sonny boy). but the cycle ends with me hyping myself up enough to try and study those new artists and get closer to their level, and i get motivated for a while until the whole thing happens again.

last day of march! hhhhgh my teachers all decided we needed excessive amounts of homework because break is almost here or smthn so my head is currently in the constant state of ache.

haven't got ayato yet, but i did finally get yunjin! didn't need c3 of her tho :/ the chasm has been pretty fun to explore though! i'm just really tired these days, i barely play genshin for more than an hour, and haven't finished art for the last couple days.

the asynchronous javascript class has reached the point where i don't really understand what i'm doing. ended up just giving up on the final part of the code for the assignment due yesterday so i could turn it in on time.

i just want to sleep.

2022/04/09 - finally added all the gifs/imgs, procrastinated way too long on that lol

i've been playing genshin a lot recently, though i can feel the burnout coming. at least i'll have more time to draw when it happens. ayato's banner is coming out tonight! i saved up enough primogems for two ten pulls, which probably isn't enough, unless i get the same luck i get with baal (both times her banner was out i got her on my 11th pull, which was cool the first time, but not the second time since i wanted one of the four-stars on the banner).

i recently designed a new character for funo-shika, the old fumi leader! decided i needed to make it clearer who the real villain was (iliou) so we had to make the guy actually committing the crimes have mother issues.

yesterday i started trying to remix a utena track into more of a breakcore vibe, idk anything about audio-editing so it's going pretty slowly, but i like it so far. breakcore, at least from what i get of it, is kind of like anti-music, so making it sound good is kind of the opposite of what i want. dunno if i'll finish it, but trying new things is always fun.

Eyyyy

Listening to: My french teacher’s lecture

• Composed on

I usually stay up all night on Discord, talking to my friends and stuff. Either that or just mindlessly scrolling thru Instagram or TikTok.

I really want Discord Nitro, so I'll be doing Nitro comms soon! I'll post soon on my Insta about it (pwuppy.puddin)

Very often, haha. I have extreme insomnia

Today's topic is: How often do you stay up past 3 a.m.?

Hav a nice day!!

Missed this spot.

Composed on

I missed this spot. I really did. There's something about the notion of just making and working through some thoughts here. In this place, in this way - without so much of the other things that make it hard for me to place thoughts together.

Definitely going to have to use this spot more for processing some of these things.

Lately, I've been really realizing the history of dissociation .. specifically depersonalization, derealization that I find myself feeling on a regular basis. It's been intensifying.

It's always been kind of intense for me. But this makes me feel hyper aware of the ways that I can not function. I can't make myself do things when I'm just not here, when I'm so incredibly unreal at least in my perception of self.

So even when I do ground myself in some reality, in my surroundings - I find myself so ... alienated, is it any wonder that this dissociation has been an ongoing thing with me?

I shouldn't be surprised. But the sheer realization of how it has been a pretty regular thoroughline in addition to everything else I have been wrestling with. It really makes me wonder how I managed.

Probably because I've been forced to. Trained to. No options not to try in manage, even if that causes moments of shattering along the way.

And I still feel that shattering, that unfurling. That nagging sense of where do we go from here? Because here isn't it. What I do to just... get through each day isn't it.

When do I have the time figure out what I can do? When do I have the support to figure out really going on a limb. I don't know. It's hard, terribly hard - because there's always the sense of responsibility in a way that I know that I'm really... not working well through.

The sense of change is loud, running through my head on a regular basis. But acting on it? Actually acting on it? Ugh, when do I feel present enough and grounded in that enough to do so?

Too many questions.

Travel plans

Vision 2022

• Composed on

I'm leaving MN between June - Aug. How I'll be exiting suddenly has a lot of options!

Hai!

Listening to Plwushii on Soundcloud :3

• Composed on

Today's topic is: What do you think of tattoos? Do you have any?

I love tattoos!! I totally want one for my 18th birthday, but I still have three years until that can happen :( If I get a tattoo it will def be 1 of deez!!!

These are all so so so cuuuttteee!!! AHHHHH I need them!

crochet

:/

• Composed on

i had a dream about crocheting lol. i think im becoming too fixated on crochet but its literal;ly so relaxing n distracting n fun to me. i love it so much. im making my baby brother a blanket right now.

i thiink i am really lonely right now.

3/30 to 4/2

Diary Log

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3/30 - March is nearly over. The first quarter of the year nearly gone. Time has gone by quickly.

I'm taking not a 100% new direction with my homesite but I think I've clarified the path I want to go on. I want to make it hopefully somewhat helpful information and link hub on various topics I am looking into anyways.

It seems like a long project but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm taking not a 100% new direction with my homesite but I think I've clarified the path I want to go on. I want to make it hopefully somewhat helpful information and link hub on various topics I am looking into anyways.

3/31 - I had a bit of anxiety in the early hours of today. I did go back to sleep, but my brain is having issues waking up. Ugh.

4/1 - The day of fools. Not looking forward to the pranks. But honestly, I couldn't tell on Mastodon, I enjoy the humor on there mostly. But I also keep missing all of the "drama" so /shrug.

Honestly, I really enjoy it. It can be pretty random but its fun stumbling upon people I enjoy following and the stuff they have to say. I still use Twitter for news but I haven't really engaged with it ever.

4/2 - I'm hungry but don't feel like cooking.

I've been doing a lot on my site and Mastodon. Though it feels like I have less for here. I will try my best for next week's log to be more exciting or thoughtful. I thought last week was really good!

mrow

Listening to Nyanpasu :3

• Composed on

Things have been surprisingly good today! I finally got my burner phone (it's actually an IPad lol) and I can post to my insta again!! But it dies really quickly, in like an hour or so :( but that's okay, cus it has Procreate on it!!!! :3 so happee

Hmm.. I'm bored, SO HERE'S AN ABOUT ME tee hee!! Oh boy I sure do love oversharing about myself

Favorite colors: Pink and Purple!

Favorite food: Steak :)

Favorite Monster flavor: Ultra paradise!!!!

Favorite show: Battle For Dream Island, it's so nostalgic, and the community is amazing!

Favorite activity: Listening to music and drawing X3 I also enjoy mindlessly scrolling thru Neocities and Instagram in my free time :)

Favorite animal: BIG CATS!! Especially Bobcats and Caracals :3 I wanna pet them all, but I can't because I don't wanna stress them out and get my hand bit off :((( so I pet my housecats! They still bite my hands sometiems but they r tiny so they cannot hurt me :3

(Kittee says hai)

My Insta is pwuppy.puddin btw!

:3

Listening to Nimbasa CORE

• Composed on

Hmm... What should I post?? I'm not sure, but I do know that I absolutely love oversharing on the internet. It's not cus I dont have real life friends (I actually have a lot of those) but cus I just really love to ramble. I like staring at da puter screen and just brain dumping. I vent here a lot and like it actually makes me feel better

I'm also a liiitle bit narcissistic but that's okay lol ^^;

i love cats so much

and pickles

• Composed on

i wish my cat loved me as muych as i love him

aand i rly fucvking love pickles

i also rlly recently drew an oc i made and im so proud of it.

like the drawing just loks really good to me and i spent so long on it.

i cant wait to post it.

im gnna start being more confident, maybe. is kinda hard, but i ltrly have no reason to be ashamed..........

i think i am very nice looking. idk. im not ugly at the least Lol so im gonna start practiciing confidence maybe i wont be so lonely then.!

3/28 and 3/29

Diary Log

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3/28 - I stayed up late last night watch Triangle Strategy Let's Play. I'm tired now. 😴

I started watching Moominvalley because an ad for a chill Snufkin game caught my attention. I wanted to know more and apparently my library has a lot of the comics so I will check those out too.

I really adore the relationship between Moomintroll and Snufkin. Its comedic angst.

I am working on a zine thing. It's mostly done. Just needs some proof-reading/final edits but the core is done. I am proud of myself.

Colorful by Claris

I am currently listening to:

Just listened to the finale of the first season. There are so many great discussions but also funny food conversations too.

Podcasts - Yesterweb Live Radio! - AzuraCast

01: Interview with Sadness (sadgrl.online)

3/29 - A new day, feeling less awful than yesterday. Part of it was probably a temperature shift from 60F to 20F.

I finished the Noblesse anime and goodness it was a punch to my nostalgia gut. Although certain things are cut/changed (bye Yuna) for the most part I think captures the general spirit and most of the fun moments.

On the other hands it's interesting to watch as an older person to be able to articulate what I enjoy about this. I love the found family/redemption themes. How most of the super powered cast has made mistakes and need to learn and move forward from them. And how this motivates them to be better people and help others. It's very sweet for a piece of media with very corny humor and lots of fight scenes.

I nearly teared up at the ending. Probably because I want to finish this series and see the ending but also, I hate the Webtoon format. It triggers my nausea. Noblesse itself is very slow too. Another thing I like about the anime, it condensed years of content and the pacing was so much better for it.

Noblesse is still one of the better visual media to have quiet characters full of personality. I love Seira and Rai so much!!!

obscurify

88% wowww

• Composed on

hi i saw someone else do it n i wanted to share obscurify rating Too.

n then sum extra infos... I barely even listen to some of these artists tbh :Lol ...i hate how musc apps think just cus U listen to one song on repeat that they r ur fav artist.?!?! No...

i don like bts at all!!!! some of their old music is good doe But their current is so assss.... and i dont listen to p!atd anymore much Just like 3 songs Lol. and also im not big fan of the chariot i listened to 1 album like 10 months ago on a friends suggestion who i hate now ...

i actualy fuccking love laptop!! so much its so freaking good. actually all of these songs r rlly good so Yeah good job obscurify

these r also all rly good songs but i dont listen to them much at al anymore Lol.

i think Personally my fav artist is Celtic Frost i love their musi soo omcuh...

im literaly soo freaking tired bro. i cant stop sleeping. my new psych appointment is in mayy...

Obscurify

Still listening to Destroy Boys lol

• Composed on

Anyways, my current favorite band is Destroy Boys. My favorite songs from them are Locker Room Bully, Vixen, Crybaby, and Fences. I also love artists/bands like Sorry Mom, Dazey And The Scouts, Siouxxie, Gjallarhornit, G0R3C0R3, Boy Fantasy, Mitski, stuff like that.

Apparently my taste is 89% more unique than all us Spotify users I thought that was neato

If they saw my Soundcloud I think they might've pissed their pants tbh


God I love music sm

Middy signing out!

YAY!!

Listening to Frad

• Composed on

I'm so so happy! Earlier I got pissed about someone online having the nerve to contact one of my IRL best friends over petty internet drama, but I JUST found out that I have a 100 in my hardest class!!! A 100!!!!! I'm so so so proud of myself and so happy :)

Just wanted to post a super small and quick update to showcase how happy and proud of myself that I am :3c

Pls

Listening to Destroy Boys

• Composed on

Never add comments or DMs here, please.


I just like posting things, I'm tired of having online arguments with nobodies who don't have anything better to do. Ughhh dude they are so annoying.

Even when people are kind to me I literally can't stand talking to them online. I hate talking to people online so so much. I'd rather talk irl. Then things would be better. Calling is a bit better than texting, but it still doesn't beat real-life interactions.

I used to want to be a better person. But now I really don't care. I really love this site cus I can be who I want when I want, and no one can do anything about it.


I don't have to look at likes, I don't have to feel obligated to talk to people in my DMs, and I don't have to worry about comments. I can be in peace.

I love it here. Never change please

Soon I will talk about my music stay tuned for that!!

4th Week of March 2022

Diary Log

• Composed on

3/21 - I felt so bad. I barely survived the day and slept early. Ugh.

3/22 - Feeling a bit better maybe? I woke up really early. So I should probably work out or something. :D D:

3/23 - Walking, driving, its a huge improvement from the past few weeks

And I'm feeling pretty pumped.

3/24 - Another day, the week is almost done and I've greatly improved my mood and doing what I need to do. :)

3/25 - Survived another week. I wish I had deep or interesting thoughts but I'm mostly excited about the projects I am doing. I'm almost done with my addition to the yesterweb zine. I hope I made the time/spot deadline. But even not I'm proud of what I made.

Composed on

"It's a beautiful day

Sky falls, you feel like

It's a beautiful day

Don't let it get away"

I don't particularly listen to U2. Just felt nostalgic and cheery.

hii

Composed on

i just dropped off my cat to the kitty spa resort. it was so freaking cute i hope he relaxes n is ok, he wasw so anxious to leave me.

when i saw the kitty condos in there , i rlly wanted to be a cat so i could hang out in them they look so cute. i wish i was a spoiled kitty

id probably be the most annoying cat. lol. always looking for attention and clinging to my owner lolll.

other than that today was ok. ive just been having a shit ton of tummy aches ://// but nothing is setting me off n ive actually been prtty calm. i just dunno waht to draw.

Composed on

https://i.imgur.com/5F8qGQv.jpg

https://discord.gg/Ae8PVsyTYh