I had been feeling besmirched lately; that dawning realisation that I'm getting older, that there are younger, bouncier, fluffier people than me, a feeling that I am being outpaced and outmatched, embittered with the world.

IT's not true, of course. People like me plenty, just the way that I am - I realise that I don't have to be the 'next best thing', that I can be a ray of energy to those who need me, without knowing the latest 'memes' or 'references', without being up-to-date on what's in. That I don't have to feel shame for becoming embittered; righteously embittered!

I realise too, that I have many wonderful friends, of whom I love and whom love me; I am not some ticking timebomb of disappointment. I am a pillar of support, I am a shoulder to cry on, I am a sight for sore eyes. The life of the party, the person you beg to show up at events, people like me a lot. And, well, can I be honest? I like people a lot! I love people. I love making sure that everybody is heard, everybody feels welcome and positive about themselves. I love the human race; it's my greatest weakness, and my greatest pride.

Well, the most important thing I wanted to confide, is that I am so genuinely happy. I live in my own place, with my beloved partner and soulmate. We own a small shop, and I love where we live; it's close to so many wonderful social groups to which I find myself at home.

The sun is forever beautiful as it shines and warms me to my bones, the wind is bitter and reminds me I am alive (oh, and what joy it is that I am alive) - the sun sets the same every night. Beautifully, and peacefully. Wherever I am in this world, I know that she will rise again in the morning, that I must be there to watch her spread her reach. How magnificent that we are allowed twice in one day to view such a beautiful phenomenon.

I cook such beautiful food, I brew such delicious coffee. My wife has a beautiful smile that warms me up in the morning; no matter what happens, I will always fall asleep by their side, and wake up to their embrace. That is more than enough to make me happy. And oh, am I ever happy!

Spreading the joy to you, dear reader. Wishing you the best. Signing off,

Razor Nobody

I need to get it out of me. It's inside of me, corrupting my thoughts, I cannot sleep. I cannot get this filthy, ugly truth outside of me in any place where the people who look up to me can see me. I can't let them see me in this ugly, wounded state.

perhaps I don't have to stay strong for them? perhaps it's moreso... I don't want to hand them this knife, these keys to my most vulnerable parts of me. The things which I am about to document are incredibly upsetting events. i don't know if I want to subject anybody to this. i advise you look away now. I am sorry.

I want to fill this site with happy things. With joyous tales of getting better. And I AM getting better. But you must understand, I have clawed my way through hell, and the demons still haunt my waking moment.

I remember, I was only Twelve, because I had told my friends how funny it was that my boyfriend was twice my age. I remember Alicia looked at me in horror. the whites of her eyes showing, the kind of reaction reserved for when you've just been handed a dilemma that far outweighs your emotional capabilities. "This only happens on television".

He planned to marry me when i turned 16. "You can do that in some countries", he told me. I told my mother about him, about all of this, my father became friends with him. Why? Why did they let him do that? My father met him multiple times. he watched as this man held me, pulled me onto his lap, touched me.

My father would later tell me, "It's a pity you cut him off, he really cared about you." I was twelve, dating a twenty-four year old. A twenty-four year old who emotionally manipulated me, who physically abused me, who sexually assaulted me.

"He really cared about you."

This january, I cut my father out of my life for being abusive, physically, sexually. I don't know how I feel about my mother.

There were so many other men. So many horrible men. I liked them at the time, I think. One of the girls in my school told the teachers that I was seeing men who were much older than me. I was called in to the office. I told her it was a cruel joke they were pulling on me, and she believed me, and never followed it up. I can't help but feel angry about it, I feel like I had been failed. Why was it upon a 12 year old who didn't want to be in trouble, to seek help against a ring of paedophiles? There were so many men who were seeing me, all friends of his.

One of them was a deadpool cosplayer who followed me to conventions. I hate Deadpool cosplayers to this day. He had two german shepherds. He tried to get me sexually involved with the dogs - I stopped talking to him after that, but I felt that I was in love with him. Why should a twelve year old dream of marrying a 24 year old, and a 26 year old? I should have been crushing over boys my own age, or on some celebrity. I liked joe Jonas plenty. "But we're real, and attainable, unlike Joe Jonas. His hair looks like a mop." They always made fun of my interests, and belittled me for being a stupid little kid, who didn't know any better. I -was- a stupid little kid who didn't know any better.

I craved that it would make sense when I became his age. I'm turning 25 soon, and I am angrier than ever. I just can't understand it.

I suppose it's what drives me to help others. I never want anybody to be left as helpless as I was. I pride myself in being somebody that others can confide in, that I will do my best to see it through. I will never let anybody be as helpless and trapped as I was.

I want to apologise for leaving this here, but I also.. Don't. We are ugly creatures who crave, who need. I need... To get these ugly thoughts out of my mind. If I put them where others can see, perhaps then, they'll leave me be.

Instead of apologising, I will only promise. I will promise that I will bring so much joy to this space, to counterract what I have done. For this, dead mouse on a doorstep, I will bring delightful forrages tenfold.

Be good to yourselves, be good to eachother.

Signing off,

Razor Nobody.