not ur mom on Multiverse

not ur mom

new sakura miku fig came*.+

honestly the high from buying her was better than actually having her. not liking her as much as my other madoka figs, or even my other mikus. tbh my mikus havent been doing much for me recently. actually, looking at the autumn ver. prize fig just makes me mad bc it was delayed for over a year and i just dont love it anymore. and i think its because of that. also because she was smaller than i expected.

my madoka figs though? mwah, looking at them makes me so happy :33 the one where she's holding kyuubei is so cute i love her face in that one sm <3 and the lil dorky trading fig <333

my banpresto of her is kinda becoming my fav recently. i think its bc its got the most scale-y vibe n i'm moving towards that recently... not financially, but spriritually? yes, i'm becoming a scaley.

idk. ig i'm just not into prize figs anymore. the only one i still want is the lucky star miku, but that ones being impossible, oh and also the suzaku idol fig so lelouche can be w his shit boyfriend and also froggy cc sakura but idk... i want them but dont wanna deal with importing them tbh. especially bc shipping is so fucking expensive, so unless i'm gettnig a bunch of shit at once i dont wanna order rn

oh, and i'd like the shitty akechi noodle stopper, but even though that ones like, the ugliest fucking figure on the planet it is still impossible to find for a reasonable price even on jp sites. like wtf.

sorry pics shitty, didnt feel like getting outta bed

i think i am actually a furry actually. like.. i kinda do have furry tendencies... a couple years ago i was otherkin so... idk sometimes i still like doing tho.

2/12/23

not ur mom

Date: 02.11.2023

Music: Tides - Men I Trust

Mood: drained, depressed

i just feel so bad.

and angry

and i'm just so confused with myself

and i dont know what to do.

i've been so worried about my weight recently and i dont know why.

i'm still losing. i'm 4lbs lighter than i was 2 weeks ago but

i still feel really bad? like i'm not losing anything, and that my efforts are worthless

even though i have literal, empirical proof they arent

i still feels like this isnt going anywhere. idk. i'm so confused.

my average since February 3 has been 1005kcal. with my bmr at 1800 i know its physically impossible to gain weight, and i'm not really worried about that, but i am worried about not losing, or staying at 197.8lb.

and i've been watching these videos online and they're not making things any better?

they say "oh if youre not losing, just restrict and the pounds will melt right off"

but i AM restricting and the pounds arent "melting"

its a fight for every pound i've lost and like. i just feel like i'm doing something wrong.

i've had several days in the past 2 weeks 1100-1500

but idk. i feel so weird. mentally i feel so bad. i feel like i'm binging constantly

where i just felt so drained it was hard getting out of bed

not as bad as last month when i was between 500 - 800 most days

i feel so bad everyday.

and it just sucks finding motivation to restrict more because i keep getting the thought

that nothing i'm doing will ever change who i am, and that i'll be fat forever

and at least last month i had that skinny motivation

because i thought i knew i was doing everything i could and the lbs were coming off

because i was restricting and fasting some days and i felt like i was on fire.

everyday i felt so hungry. i would fall asleep to hunger pains and that felt amazing.

and. ugh. it just feels like everything was already decided.

because i've been fat since a kid and there's nothing to be done.

and there's no reversing the weight i've gained.

i'll keep losing the same 10lbs but i'll never be skinny.

same with my personality.

i'll still be me, insecure, jealous, and fake.

it doesnt matter how much i try to be bubbly or outgoing,

and it makes me feel like im not restricting enough.

but not letting myself eat still hurts me mentally.

and that leads to me feeling like its not worth it. its not gonna change anything if i eat another 100 over my limit, i'm not losing anyway

and then i'll eat a bagle, or a cupcake, or have a drink

that i would just keep eating less and eventually i would be skinny.

but now, i dont even fucking know whats happening.

and immediately feel terrible. because that was the difference between being in the 900s and being in the 1000s.

even fasting i dont feel hungry,

i dont fall asleep hungry,

i never feel really hungry. i only feel cravings.

i'm not doing enough.

this felt like something i could suffer. that my motivation would only increase.

not ur mom

are you fucking kidding me? i just spent over an hour on a post when my fucking compute blue screened for no fucking reason . all gone. . ripping my fucking hair out.