At 10pm on Sunday, my boss texted the team letting us know our office would be closed Monday. I spent the entire day in Echo Park because I was going to a class that night and didn't want to get caught in traffic. I spent most of the day reading. I read in three cafes and two parks. I felt extremely lonely. I used to do stuff like that all the time - go to a neighborhood and read alone in cafes and walk around all day. But it didn't feel satisfying yesterday for whatever reason. I didn't feel like I was discovering anything or having any sort of meaningful experience.
I felt overwhelmed being in public all day, subject to constant perception. I missed my boyfriend, who had to go to work. By the time the class started, I was tired. The class was really fun, though, and in such a nice community space.
I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. Then when I got home, I felt like my boyfriend was mad at me for the fact that I allowed a guest to stay at our place this week, and I felt very sad and drained. I drank this CBD hemp drink and it made me feel really weird and out of it, almost high. I got really tired.
Today, I still don't feel very good. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, because normally my mood is very consistently happy and good. Things don't usually get to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. I think in a way, I don't feel things the way I am supposed to; I just keep pushing through hour after hour and day after day, never having pause to really integrate how things make me feel. Maybe yesterday, having the day off and spending it alone, I finally had a chance to integrate some of the feelings I haven't had time to feel for the past weeks or months.
Oftentimes, I don't realize how disenfranchised I am from my own emotional life. Constantly working under capitalism and needing to expend my energy focusing on things that remove me from my own emotional context seems to cause a delay in even having the remotest idea of how I feel, other than tired.
