.10.

the good kid

• Composed on

I've been thinking a lot lately, as always. I also made some tough decisions to say good bye to some people to leave more space for myself and the other to grow.

I begin to see the box I put myself in. I said yes to things without questioning. For example, a bureaucratic high school diploma, a so called well-ranked university... every choice I made in my life was still in that box, and seems like it was all lined up to pursue a "good life". With that being said, I fully recognize that I am privileged and these were things that many others dream of. Having the right and opportunity to be educated is forever something I am grateful for. However, I realized that I never really deeply questioned how things were done, and I choose to blindly follow the systems imposed on me many times and didn't have the gut to do what I wanted.

I've realized that all my life i've been that good kid. My parents never pressured me into doing anything, but since kindergarden, i've always been that achiever, who did test prep religiously, who was in student council... I wanted to do everything well.

But I felt like it was never enough. I was never an Olympian, won a real award, or became any sort of a recognized winner.

Fast forward to May 2021...

I remember it was the last year of high school that I became more comfortable with myself and started to at least raise some controversial questions in class. Why do we consider some people beautiful, but not the others? Why are we using this formula to solve this problem not the other?

But college came and hit me. I actually became less comfortable with myself. I lost part of me. I realized this was not the way I imagined college to be, intellectually or socially. Yet I kept telling this lie to myself, that I need to give it one more semester to try, and one more... the struggle was worth it to some extent, that I got to go to some really really interesting lectures and could stay in touch with some people I can call friends. But I also see a different me, in the parallel universe, also making lifelong connections.

To give up everything I have and start over again is scary. But I am ready to continuously break the box that I perceive. Because if I only live once, which I do, I choose to live fearlessly and accept the risks to go through a jungle, instead of a clear path which I can see what is ahead.

From now on, I wish to carry on with gratitude, but a learner and creator at heart, I am willing to take risks smartly and enjoy the journey.