I even had a neocities profile a couple of months ago and all I wanted to do was look all smart and pretentious.
Soon, I got so tired and frustrated that I just deleted the site one miserable day and didn't look back.
It's this place! <3
Anyway, I'm supposed to introduce myself.
I guess I'll call myself as diastasis here, and I'm in my ******* 30s and I should be having a family and a son right now but I still feel like I'm somewhere in my late teens.
I don't even understand how I made it to my 30s alive.
I feel stuck in a grown*** body that's only grown*** in age but not in terms of emotional maturity, stuck in torpor.
At least that's how it all feels...
A neighbor lady recently told my mom that I look like 16 or something.
One of the kids I know told me I look like 20 a while ago.
I recently encountered a fist fight in real life, and all the adults around me were really serious and stressed about it and tried to make the gorilla brutes stop, but I just joined some of the kids around me and started to laugh with them and enjoy the chaos that was going on.
I'm a really boring person that has nothing useful or original to bring onto the plate, and even if I'm grown***, I never managed to get a proper job in my life, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm just dumb or it's because of life circumstances and the lack of jobs and hyper-capitalism in action that made me dumb due to lack of social exposure.
Anyway, I'm tired. I sometimes still go back to old places and sometimes get the ol' sense of belonging, rarely, but then for the most part, internet feels like a place that's too crowded, yet you feel lonely and desolate for some weird reason. Maybe I grew out, or maybe the problem is with me not wanting to open up so I don't really know.
I wish I acted age appropriately.
I feel as if I've become old or something, and that the internet is full of young ones. I've tried imageboards, reddit, X [formerly twitter], tumblr, fediverse, neocities, heck, I've even tried ******* SpaceHey recently, but nothing ever satisfies this emptiness and numbs the feeling that I really don't belong anywhere, except for a handful of online friends I managed to somehow retain despite being a walking disaster, but they too are slowly drifting away because entropy consumes everything and we're all going to *** one day.
First, it was a blog, then I felt too vulnerable and stupid, and then it became a website where I gather information and self-help resources for "others" because I'm so desperate for validation or something and I felt like a total phoney, because it was actually me just trying to copypaste things and present those as if it were mine by rephrasing and "summarizing" them [regurgitating actually], then it became a site where I rambled my *** off about everything I came across from movies to self-help videos on youtube, then a lot of things happened, and after some point I had no idea what I was doing in here by creating something that has nothing to do with me. It's supposed to be a personal site, but nothing about it was personal.
A few weeks ago, I was trying to find out more niche spaces where I could do something, and I randomly stumbled upon something that really impressed me, and made me go this is it!
I'm supposed to be a man, but nothing about me except for whatever that's hanging between my legs seem manly to me [even that's small as ****], and to others.
I occasionally experience phantom breasts and bottom dysphoria.
Sometimes it's just really bad luck, like getting scratched by a dog recently, and I had to take rabies vaccine for a whole month that kept me sick every week because of its side effects.
These days I feel tired all the time [probably a symptom of depression] and I find myself sleeping so much and I also get sick a lot, like real lot because of chronic sinusitis and bad eating habits, and some serious lack of sleep and vitamin D because of being a pseudo-shut-in.
I thought I could be trans but I find it hard to relate to the female experience as well, so now I'm just a confused mess and I've settled down for being non-binary.
I'm damn sure I have borderline personality disorder along with a cocktail of other mental illnesses like OCD and Adult ADD and all that but I don't want to go to a therapist because my parents don't believe in mental illnesses, or mental health for that matter, and there's no proper affordable help or mental health awareness where I live.
I'M CHRONICALLY ADDICTED TO INTERNET, AND I ESCAPE A LOT TO DROWN ALL THESE PESSIMISTIC THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN ME BY WASTING MY TIME WATCHING LOTS OF STUFF, ANYTHING THAT GETS MADE AND PARTICIPATING IN PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSIONS ONLINE THAT NEVER REACH A CONCLUSION BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T REALLY INTERESTED IN CONVERSATIONS BUT JUST TO PROVE THAT OTHERS ARE WRONG ONLINE, AND WATCHING LOTS OF SELF-HELP VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE THAT I NEVER ACT ON... IN FACT IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE ACTED ON SOMETHING, AND IT'S MOVING LIKE A SNAIL THESE DAYS.
... AND IF EVERYTHING IS FINE, THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE AND I'M PILED UP WITH RESPONSIBILITIES LIKE PAYING BILLS AND DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES I NEVER GET SOME TIME ALONE FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY LIFE BUT... I THINK I'VE SAID A LOT ABOUT MY LIFE IN THIS POST ALREADY.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and make myself home around here.
If someone is reading all this, I really appreciate it and thank you for making my day!