when i have dreams, it is on a very rare occasion. i only have about 2 dreams every other year. i actually always wondered why. i'd like to have more dreams.
but i think my dreams are given to me while i sleep to guide me, to warn me.
i had a dream where dante came back. he tried to begin the same cycle again - i betray him, he leaves me alone for a while, then returns to talk to me and gets my trust again . . then gets me into the cycle of pulling, pushing, twisting - contorting my limbs, and my mind. contorting until i can't take it anymore, and i let out a screech of flames that tarnish my body alive. i burn myself down, and i wail for help, but i am burning at the stake in an empty room.
i stop burning after a while, and use what strength i have to find him, and form a weapon that prospers against him.
then i burn him down, again. just as he did to me. in his eyes, i betray him. in his eyes i am a wench and an asshole, a vile being.
i'm scared.
the good thing about the dream is that i broke the cycle in it. i avoided his contact - i did not want to be a puppet any longer. i want to be a horrifying, putrid thing in his eyes. i want him to wrinkle his nose in disgust at the mention of my name, and to speak bad about me when i am discussed. i don't want to be perfect and good in his eyes - that would make me ugly and unrealistic. i am cruel and vengeful, yet i am gentle and caring too. please don't take advantage of that
not again.
i won't be afraid again. i won't cower in fear.
he sees himself as grandiose
but he is small.
i want to become a horrifying woman.
i want people to turn away in horror when i pass by in the street.
i don't want to forget anger and hatred!
who says anger and hatred are ugly? you have become beautiful, jeanne... yes, like a young girl in love... radiant. you are even more beautiful than god.