when i have dreams, it is on a very rare occasion. i only have about 2 dreams every other year. i actually always wondered why. i'd like to have more dreams.

but i think my dreams are given to me while i sleep to guide me, to warn me.

i had a dream where dante came back. he tried to begin the same cycle again - i betray him, he leaves me alone for a while, then returns to talk to me and gets my trust again . . then gets me into the cycle of pulling, pushing, twisting - contorting my limbs, and my mind. contorting until i can't take it anymore, and i let out a screech of flames that tarnish my body alive. i burn myself down, and i wail for help, but i am burning at the stake in an empty room.

i stop burning after a while, and use what strength i have to find him, and form a weapon that prospers against him.

then i burn him down, again. just as he did to me. in his eyes, i betray him. in his eyes i am a wench and an asshole, a vile being.

i'm scared.

the good thing about the dream is that i broke the cycle in it. i avoided his contact - i did not want to be a puppet any longer. i want to be a horrifying, putrid thing in his eyes. i want him to wrinkle his nose in disgust at the mention of my name, and to speak bad about me when i am discussed. i don't want to be perfect and good in his eyes - that would make me ugly and unrealistic. i am cruel and vengeful, yet i am gentle and caring too. please don't take advantage of that

not again.

i won't be afraid again. i won't cower in fear.

he sees himself as grandiose

but he is small.

i want to become a horrifying woman.

i want people to turn away in horror when i pass by in the street.

i don't want to forget anger and hatred!

who says anger and hatred are ugly? you have become beautiful, jeanne... yes, like a young girl in love... radiant. you are even more beautiful than god.

SOTD

i decided to format my entry differently! the old way was really time consuming and never saved for a lot of space to be honest.. i wanted to type out my thoughts chunk by chunk, like photos and papers pinned to a corkboard. or as something like that - like, a lot of blobs.

it would also give me more space to write , i suppose . but enough with that ! i'll actually talk now , haha

this week was okay . i got some new songs on my spotify liked which is good . i take pride in my music taste . i just had to deal with some 504 drama with my math teacher . . but , happy developmental disability awareness month ! ! i am planning on writing something to raise awareness , represent & uplift people with those disabilities , and educate people as well .

i've just been really stressed this week . i hope the next one is better . i was bodyshamed sorta yesterday or a few days ago . . some girl told me to " go me to go play a sport " in a mean way . she knows im insecure about my body and she is as well , but i don't see why that gives her the right to say that . it wasn't meant as a joke - i understood it as a raw insult . it caused me to think , " she doesn't think i'm that clueless because i'm autistic , right ? "

i thought about her friend group too . my cousin is in it . i just hang around her friend group because i don't have any friends . do they take advantage of the fact i have autism and can't understand certain things , and use that as a way to get away with saying mean things to me ?

it makes me so sad :(

why don't people like me ? i've done nothing wrong . i try and mirror them so they like me because i act just like them .

my name is elias

or doll / dollette.

cherub and seraphim are fine too.

i would prefer it if you asked if you can call me a nickname

my pronouns are . .

the flags, web badges, and symbols represent parts of my identity. the otherkin flags? in order, dollkin, ghostkin, zombiekin, angelkin, and fictionkin. these help me cope with feeling as if i am nonhuman / loss of identity, please be mindful of that :)

i like music.. music is my first love.

at the moment, i am really fixated on one of my first fandoms, ace attorney. ever since that, i've wanted to be a lawyer. i should still be one.

i am a yumedanshi (basically a selfshipper) and a fudanshi

somewhat blunt autistic, my empathy is fluid. i need tone tags, and i do use them. i talk a lot and tend to come off as annoying. + i self monitor and mirror people. basically a bunch of masking stuff. i need to be assured that i don't need to mask

i have schizophrenia as well.

i like studying psychology / psychiatry , philosophy, law, political science, religion, socialism (specifically marxism and anarchism, not too into communism yet

@objection on retrospring

@sweetsob on discord

@eliasphilic on tumblr

doll / dollself

he/him

no pronouns

saint / saintself

hy/hym