It's me again. ur friendly neighborhood Man. Not spider-man because let me tell you dude... spiders have a personal vendetta against me this summer. They either hate me or love me TOO MUCH.
Here are all of their offenses. 1) I put on my shorts and a spider fell out of them. like ok perv get out of my pants?? 2) a spider released a bunch of her babies in my room in the middle of the night. lowkey might have been the same one that fell out of my shorts. 3) a non-related cellar spider decided to descend from the roof on their little web but LANDED ON MY FACE while I was COMPLETELY MINDING MY BUSINESS... (why is business spelled like bussy-ness and not buisness (biz-ness)??? idk. )
Also earlier my sister asked be to get a bug out of her room and it was this HUGE FREAKING HOUSE CENTIPEDE. Let it be known that they are completely harmless and cannot bite you and will eat other pests in ur house. So really they're good to have around... but they're kinda freaks... so I had 2 evict him..... <- this is what a house centipede looks like. it was so scary.
I really like bugs but sometimes they are frightening. It's ok tho. I can still appreciate them even if they are freaks.
would make art a career. I thought I would go to art school or something but now I'm not even considering that as an option... Doing art for a living feels like a pipe dream and I'm not even good at it anymore compared to other people my age. I've always known that I would need to choose a more realistic career or whatever but it just makes me sad. Like what am I going to do with my life!!! Be an environmental scientist??? bro thats also a pipe
I think I'm having the worst art block I've ever had in my life. (Probably an exaggeration.) I feel like in junior year I focused more on academics and it kind of killed my motivation to do art stuff. I feel like I barely even doodled in class. At least I didn't do it as much as I think I used to... I dunno. Maybe I'm a liar. But ever since I was a child and up until like, sophomore year, I was so convinced that I
anyways I am here to talk about my current crisis. I started this summer dead set on not wasting it away like I always end up doing but I don't think that worked out for me. Lolz.
dream. Idk I've never been a science guy in my life and now it feels kind of weird that this is My Thing. ART USED TO BE MY THING!!! WHY AM I LITERALLY NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT ANYMORE. Sigh. I should just be a super big musician and go on tours around the world and be famous. Except I'm NOT EVEN WRITING ANY MUSIC RIGHT NOW!!! I'm going to go INSANE. How can I justify ignoring my academics over the summer if I'm not even indulging in any artistic endeavors!!! I'm going to kms.
It feels like so many people are doing smart academic things this summer and I am Not. I can't even do my Freaking DRIVER'S ED. I can't even do my laundry!! I can't even clean my room!! I can't even go outside to walk my dog!! I can't even get myself to sleep at a normal time!! WHY IS 4 AM EARLY FOR ME. I do nothing all day and I think I am going crazy. I swear I'm not depressed... I'm just lazy... I have zero plans for college or the future how does anybody do this. I will
cry. Except I CAN'T because on top of art block I'm having emotion??? block???? What am i even saying. AND WHY IS THE FREAKING SPOTIFY FONT DIFFERENT. IT'S NOT ON MY PHONE BUT I JUST REALIZED IT IS ON MY COMPUTER. imagine me rolling around the floor and crying. that's what i'm mentally doing rn.
continuing on the vein of oversharing on the internet. i was gonna keep this to myself but im like ughhhhh. After watching I Saw The TV Glow I saw a lot of people talking about how it captures how, before figuring out that you're trans, it can feel like your life isn't even real. the real you is suffocating underground somewhere yada yada this isn't how life is supposed to feel something something someone took a shovel and dug out all my insides Blah blah blah.
But I feel like I never really left that stage of feeling like nothing is real and like I'm not actually living my life like I'm supposed to even after figuring out I'm trans??? And maybe it's because the vast majority of people in my life don't even really see me as a dude or at least I'm convinced that they don't or maybe it's because I haven't medically transitioned and that will fix things or maybe it's just a dysphoria thing because "my body doesn't feel real" -> "I don't feel real" -> "life doesn't feel real". IDK. I am literally emotionally constipated right now and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Or does everybody feel this way all the time and I'm just exaggerating my own (lack of) feelings to myself?????? Who knows tbh.... not me.......
amd some random trans person in a tiktok comment section also said something like. their takeaway from ISTTG was, "Now that I know who I am, it's on me to start living." I'M GOING TO SCREAM AND CRY BECAUSE YEA IT'S ON ME... this is all on me.... ugh. whatever it's whatever I don't even care. I got 5's on all my APs and that's all that matters in life probably...... anyways bye bye.
