I need to get it out of me. It's inside of me, corrupting my thoughts, I cannot sleep. I cannot get this filthy, ugly truth outside of me in any place where the people who look up to me can see me. I can't let them see me in this ugly, wounded state.
perhaps I don't have to stay strong for them? perhaps it's moreso... I don't want to hand them this knife, these keys to my most vulnerable parts of me. The things which I am about to document are incredibly upsetting events. i don't know if I want to subject anybody to this. i advise you look away now. I am sorry.
I want to fill this site with happy things. With joyous tales of getting better. And I AM getting better. But you must understand, I have clawed my way through hell, and the demons still haunt my waking moment.
I remember, I was only Twelve, because I had told my friends how funny it was that my boyfriend was twice my age. I remember Alicia looked at me in horror. the whites of her eyes showing, the kind of reaction reserved for when you've just been handed a dilemma that far outweighs your emotional capabilities. "This only happens on television".
He planned to marry me when i turned 16. "You can do that in some countries", he told me. I told my mother about him, about all of this, my father became friends with him. Why? Why did they let him do that? My father met him multiple times. he watched as this man held me, pulled me onto his lap, touched me.
My father would later tell me, "It's a pity you cut him off, he really cared about you." I was twelve, dating a twenty-four year old. A twenty-four year old who emotionally manipulated me, who physically abused me, who sexually assaulted me.
"He really cared about you."
This january, I cut my father out of my life for being abusive, physically, sexually. I don't know how I feel about my mother.
There were so many other men. So many horrible men. I liked them at the time, I think. One of the girls in my school told the teachers that I was seeing men who were much older than me. I was called in to the office. I told her it was a cruel joke they were pulling on me, and she believed me, and never followed it up. I can't help but feel angry about it, I feel like I had been failed. Why was it upon a 12 year old who didn't want to be in trouble, to seek help against a ring of paedophiles? There were so many men who were seeing me, all friends of his.
One of them was a deadpool cosplayer who followed me to conventions. I hate Deadpool cosplayers to this day. He had two german shepherds. He tried to get me sexually involved with the dogs - I stopped talking to him after that, but I felt that I was in love with him. Why should a twelve year old dream of marrying a 24 year old, and a 26 year old? I should have been crushing over boys my own age, or on some celebrity. I liked joe Jonas plenty. "But we're real, and attainable, unlike Joe Jonas. His hair looks like a mop." They always made fun of my interests, and belittled me for being a stupid little kid, who didn't know any better. I -was- a stupid little kid who didn't know any better.
I craved that it would make sense when I became his age. I'm turning 25 soon, and I am angrier than ever. I just can't understand it.
I suppose it's what drives me to help others. I never want anybody to be left as helpless as I was. I pride myself in being somebody that others can confide in, that I will do my best to see it through. I will never let anybody be as helpless and trapped as I was.
I want to apologise for leaving this here, but I also.. Don't. We are ugly creatures who crave, who need. I need... To get these ugly thoughts out of my mind. If I put them where others can see, perhaps then, they'll leave me be.
Instead of apologising, I will only promise. I will promise that I will bring so much joy to this space, to counterract what I have done. For this, dead mouse on a doorstep, I will bring delightful forrages tenfold.
Be good to yourselves, be good to eachother.
Signing off,
Razor Nobody.