BY JACCO GARDNER
"I'll be waiting
If you ever feel like changing
Time has told me
What has happened
Now it′s over for a second
Now will be a day for me and
You to cry out in the summer
To another world where we can
Have it over I don't have her"
YO INTERNET I ACTUALLY MADE IT TO THIS MONYAY!! i am currently sitting on a little bottom bunk in a ucsb dorm room with two asb girls from my school at this FREAKY little asb camp... which i will be here until thursday!! Yayy... i was scared i wouldnt be able to make a monyay post... but alas... i will just make a short one today because it is currently 10:50PM and my friends need to sleep and we need to be up at like 7 freaking AM because these days last SO FREAKIN LONG BRO. and today was the first day... its alright.. i guess. just kinda how it expected it and exactly how it was last year. ohmygod so my friend.. shes the asb vice president and ive known her since the fourth grade and TODAY SHE JUST REVEALED SHE IS DATING THE ONE MAN IN THIS WORLD THAT I HATE. and im saying this because she is currently on a call with him on the bunk on top of me and he is genuinely the worst person i have ever met and idk how anyone could date him. But i like Her... so i tryst her i Guess. but Wow just hearing his voice on call rn is Really pissing me off. anyways. week review. lowkey a horirble interesting week. lots happened... asb things... which was just a lot of work and stressful but i wont get into it... i hungout with my friends at a farmers market and it was SUPER LITTT and fun and i got these Sick jazz shirts. and then i had a sleepover with my BIffle Bae and we practiced for our AWESOME OPEN MIC WE WENT TO!!! it was so AWesome and we went to our awesome firneds house who ALSO perform at the open mic and we were ALL THERE and i was like Wow.
BY BIG THIEF
BY PLAYDATE
BY ALL NATURAL LEMON & LIME FLAVORS
This is so awesome. and i was so happy Heehee the world is finally healed and awesome and im so happy! and i ate some FIRREE filipino food TWICE this week and Wow i love filipino food oh my god i actually Busted. Heh. and me and da biffle bae practiced and performed fox in the snow by belle and sebastian and it was terrifying and i definitely was relly bad but you know what i DID IT and i think thats what matters actually!!!!!!!!!!! i love music and it was awesome! and speaking of music when i went to my open mic friends hosue and we weree all there they just CASUALLY just chilled and played music and harmonized and they have like orginal songs they write and its like Holy crap im surrounded with this awesome talented people i was actually mind blown Dead in my seat. it was so cool and im so lucky to be surrounded by awesome people! so that was actually really awesome and i was like so Yas vibes the entire time!!!! so Yay! that was the awesome parts of my week!! i also played piano tiles with me and my biffle baes toes and it was really fun. and we watched dear dumb diary. what a fun and joyous time!!! ok now the horrible evil pits of the week... i keep updating on this but Oh my god my sister coming out is just getting worse and worse actually i think im going to go back in the closet and die because my mom had this long like 4 hour talk with me about my sister that. i dont have the effort or Strength to go into detail but basically being gay is immoral and shes going to hell and shes faking being bi because shes going thru a thing and its fine until its her own daughter and all this crap and i was on the VERGE of coming out to my mom that night because of how much
"It's a little bit magic
Like a river of morning geese
In the new warm mountain
Where the stone face forms and speaks
I believe in you
Even when you need to recoil"
she was talking about how upset she was at my sister for lying and all this crap. but i ended up telling her i waas straight!!!! actually genuinely i dont know what is wrong with me because i can lie SO easily it scares me. i am ABLE to sit through hours of my mom telling me she believes she failed her daughters because one is gay and how immoral it is and how wrong it is to be gay and i just SAT THERE. i SAT there and listened and did nothing. barely argued. just nodded my head and told her i was straight. i only cried afterwards. but idk it freaks me out how easily im able to sit there and fabricate a whole story for my mom to believe that im this Christian God Lovin Church Volunteering Straight Girl. because she fully believes it. and i am just feeding her all these FLAT STRAIGHT OUT lies and it scarres me. and the worst part is that it doesnt really eat me alive anymore. i am able to lie and do things i "shouldnt" and they dont eat me alive with guilt like it would a normal person. idk if thats normal but the way everyone talks makes me feel like a Horrible Gal for this. but i think im just really good at avoiding things and avoiding my feelings and avoiding my problems to the point where i avoid guilt as well and just push it far away so i dont feel any of it. Maybe. Sorry got too deep there. but it freaks me out that i feel nothing for doing all these bad things. anyways my mom did tell me that itd be fine it i was gay because ive been like this my whole life so Thanks i guess but also id rather die than come out toher.
"Thank you for staying on
I really did not feel like going home
The moon, it's hanging up over mountainside
And your voice is sounding like something right
Of course it is"
"Don't race me down
To see the floor and hit the ground
Rewind, 'cause I don't want to let go
Till now, tonight I was
And now we're asking should I never die?
And never grow apart"
idk it was all just was such a harsh reminder of the situation im in and that ill never really be accepted. for who i am. and im going to deal with all this shit when im older and maybe im just making it worse by not telling my parents right now? i dunno but everything really sucks knowing that love is conditional. not like my parents wouldnt love me if i came out to me. but theyll feel like they failed as parents and never want to meet my significant other and be embarassed to tell family members about it. because thats how they feel with my sister. and Oh man that knowledge is horrible... i always knew they werent accepting but now i know the reality of it. Shoutout to my siter for being the guinea pig! (i havent told her anything my mom said because i cant bear to repeat it to her and break her heart. that she is banned from bringing her gf around). idk sorry for being such a debby downer but That just really sucks Rn. and i Needed to tell someone about it without feeling guilty for like subjecting someone to traumadumping or venting or whatever the word is. IF YOU READ THIS IT IS AT UR OWN DISCRETION. Thx multiverse. anyways... my summer is BASCAILLY OVER!! and this asb camp is so stressful im so ready for it to be over. i think genuinely i cannot get along with 90% of people in this world IDK WHATS WRONG WITH ME oh my god i cant describe it. im in a council with a bunch of random asb kids from the camp and idk anyone and holy crap. i feel like an alien trying to be hip or something and failing HOW DOES EVERYONE JUST KNOW HOW TO ACT. i just end out looking so stupid or being SUPER awkward or rambling or seomthing and IDK HOW TO BE NORMAL. and then i feel like im trying TOO hard and theres no Use and everyone is Def judging me and thinks im weird and im stuck in a loop!!
BY BIG THIEF
"With her long black hair
It's not the open weaving
Nor the furnace glow
Nor the blood of you bleeding
As you try to let go"
i just feel so StUPID like everyone knows everything but me!!!!!!!!!! and its weird because ive ALWASYS considered myself an outgoing person but Slap me into a group of random kids my age in this loud overwhelming camp and suddenly i am unable to speak to anyone without looking like an Idiot. i cant descibe it but the feeling i feel . i SWERAR IM OUTGOING IM LITERALLY IN ASB BRO. i think im just gonna settle for just being the girl that sometimes talks but isnt rly tight with anyone and just kinda chill in the back and casually participates. thats a good compromise.... im not ANTISOCIAL. I FEEL SO SILLY I NEED THIS CAMP TO BE OVERRRRR IM GONNA DIE THIS IS ACTUALLY MY PERSONAL HELLLL HOW DO PEOPLE DO ITTT *Cries*.. maybe i think this has just been a super stressful week and im feelin Down on myself. being with asb people always makes me feel like im a really negative person beaccuse i dislike a Lot of asb people (but ONLY asb people... idk why asb is just a different breed of evil) and then im like Wow why am i so negative maybe just be normal? but its only with asb so maybe asb is just filled with evil people ALL the time and its not me.. (its definitely me. and that also makes ME an evil asb person. Lol.). Idk wat im saying. but anyway ALSO the people from my school are the types... and i love all of them with all my heart there are 4 other people here from my school... but oh my god they wont shut up about their food 'jokes'. fun fact EATING FOOD DOES NOT EQUAL BEING UNHEALTHY!!!
ok one of them is on a diet and wont shut up about it... like actually hes on a hardcore diet which like Yas king but also im gonna die. and ALL THIS crap about calories oh my god i literally bought an APPLE JUICE from the gas station and Mr Diet was like that for 90 calories.. Yikes??? oh my god. genuinely im sorry waht the hell is wrong with people that its normal for people to comment shit about calorie count and call eachtother "fatty" and "bigback" just because youre fucking EATING FOOD. you have ZERO fucking idea what ANYONE is going through and its SO FUCKED UP and i cant STAND IT ANYMORE. and i HAVE TO BE WITH THIS ATTITUDE OF PEOPLE FOR 4 DAYS STRAIGHT. 3 MEALS A DAY FOR 4 DAYS of NONSTOP... "omg im still hungry! im gonna go get more food from this yummy dining hall!" "FATTY FATASS OMG U EAT SO MANY CALORIES". how about you go die???? words CANNOT EXPLAIN. a person will eat One thing to.. idk NOURISH THEIR BODY and everyone will call them fat and not to MENTION how much it reeks of fatphobia. sorry ive talked about this before and how much it bothers me but im just in a REALLY concentrated environment of ALL FOUR PEOPLE in my school acting like this (when ok not to be that girl. but they are all skinny little sticks and I Am the Biggest Person There. HaHahhAHhah hSo Funny HahHAHAHAHAHAH im laughing so hard.). just admit to urself u have eating problems without perpetuating and subjecting other people into that crap please genuinely i cant stnad it anymore idk how i have gone this far without. dying. i think by the end of these 4 days i might actually die maybe if i hear one more calorie fatty comment whatever the hell these people say. I could talk about this for hours and hours and holy crap i made this post actually long... oopsss i should be asleep actually it was lights out ages ago... but Rough Week i guess got a lot i had to say. Haha Sorry if u actually read this post its actually probably the worst one yet. maybe im just really hungry rn MmMM i want food (Haha maybe if i wasnt surrounded by absolute freaks who nitpick every fucking thing you put on your plate i wouldve eaten more for dinner Haha!!) Sorry i just cant get over that this is a real thing thats normal. anyways. SORRY YEAH ACTUAL MONYAY POST IS REAL!!! no promises about next monyay and the monyay after that.. next monyay im gonna be in an airbnb with a bunch of random strangers for a fellowship in the forest and the week after im on a vacay roadtrip with the fam so Idk. Time will tell Ig. Sorry this post was so sad actually im so chill Rn. it was just a rough week Maybe. Staying positive through it all (Definitely yay). Yay goodnight wish me luck on the rest of this asb camp because I'm going to need it. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
