BY LUSH
Hello world. happy NOt monyay.. because multiverse was dead for a while there but i think im BURSTING from this week!!!!!!!!!! HOllly crap. first official not monyay of school.... Yay! if it werent for one class... it would be going AMAZINGLY!! kinda... im so stressed out like i feel like im gonna explode and it hasnt even been a week... my classes are whatever... im a senior so like its not cool and special and new anymore.. .Sad face... buuut yeah.. i have good teachers... my class on monyay was good.... pretty Norm. im kinda taking a lot of aps (in my book...) and AP research is kinda freaking me out like i dont think im capable of dat.... 15 page paper... Hah... and ASB IS DRIVING ME CRAZY HOly crap im literally the historian and its so much a nd so intense and like 50 billion people asking me questions and i need to check in with like 10 million others and make sure everyone is good and also do all my OWN work and all this stuff. Hah... but its fun i like to feel important yass... and dstufff... idk everything just went from nothign to intense so fast and im like Woah. anyway i got rly embarassed in my lang class the other day and i was sad. ok anyways time to talk aabout the STUPID BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!!!!! ok so i DID ACTUALLY GET INTO JAZZ BAND! and i was so excited... i was gonna be the awesomest jazz piano player ever. and oh my god its so bad in there. the band is full of like 27 people and there are only 4 girls including me and thats whatever i expected that and i expected not to know anyone. other than the one freak with a staring problem that was in love with me freshman year.. which HE STILL STARES AT ME AND IT FREAKS ME OUT SO BAD its not even funny anymore... like he WHIPS AROUND to STARE and i need to pretend i am not noticing because WTF????
Just remind me
Of why I'm wasting so much
Time pretending
That there is something more than
Only this
Only this pointless accusation
Tell me again,
Why are we here?"
BY OF MONTREAL
BY THE VIOLENT FEMMES
like jesus i know he didnt expect to see me in there but HOLY CRAP BRO IM LIKE BEING WATCHED EVERY MOVE and we keep making eye contact ITS SO BAAAAADDDD and the first day of school the (evil) teacher was like Omg guys this is Brookeeee she just popped up out of no where Lollll but RAISE UR HAND IF U KNOW HERRR!! ok why TF would he do THAT. KMSKMSKMS. and that STUPID BOY raised his hand... and some other kid that IDK why he raised his hand ltierally ive never spoken to him we only follow eachother on insta... and he asked me waht im playing and thats the extent of our convos. so Thx joaquin i guess. hes the best saxophonist ive ever met tho so i feel special. anyways. that was bad but whatever. there r two pianists me and this other guy whose WAY TOO NICE IT MAKES ME WANT TO EXPLODE. OMG. so on tuesday.. thats when it ALL WENT DOWNHILL. because... we started playing MUSIC!!!! the teacher handed out all the sheet music and we r supposed to sight read (which im usually bad at but these r simple chords so i can... sort of..... do it.... kinda... not rly but like im not like an IDIOT at it) and literally i had no idea how this band would work but literally the teacher was like OK EVERYONE GO!!!! AND EVERYONE JUT STARTS PLAYING THE SONG ALL TOGETHER and the other pianist guy made me be at the piano and he was watching me and i was like ok WTF i have NO IEDA HOW TO DO ANY OF THIS. like. ive never played alongside other instruments. ive never like. ACTUALLY comped successfully. AND i just had to SIGHT READ IT??? WHAT DA HELLLLLL. i made the other pianist do it for the rest of that day and im Freaking telling you this is the most talented musician ive EVER MET. hes ACTUALLY INSANE. and his comping... *sobs* hes so good. how TF can i even compare to that. and hes SO NICE AND IT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSSEEE HES TRYING TO HELP ME AND ITS SO EMBARASSING. like i know NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. and we were Freaking playing our blues scales and me (stupid idiot) KNOWS MY BLUES SCALES BUT I FOROGT the formula and he freaking had to teach me like a little baby. i actually cannot with this.
"Take it easy, Satans, I don't want her to grieve
I hate that she's been wounded by these changes in me
I don't wanna hurt her, I just want to be free
Oh god, I want to live again
It's terrible to see our effigy hanging there to
Watch it burning just 'cause some goodness is gone"
"Day after day
I get angry and I will say
That the day is in my sight
When I take a bow and say goodnight
Mo-my-mama, mama-mo-my-mum
Have you kept your eye, your eye on your son?
I know you've had problems, you're not the only one
But when your sugar left, he left you on the run"
and every day its getting worse!!! yesterday i practiced and stuff and i actually sat down to play autumn leaves, whicch was one of the easier songs and i just. played the sheet music (literally just ez chords on 2 and 4?) like a little baby while the piano guy watched and he said i was fine but Still its embarssing. and same with today i was literally LIKE AN IDIOT PLAYING MY C BLUES SCALE WRONG FOR SO LONG. oh my god. and the other pianist guy i think felt bad for me because he didnt correct me. ITS LITERALLY C. THE EASIEST ONE. HOW TF DID I MESS THAT UP? and then... theres 1 song... DOLPHIN DANCE BY HERBIE HANCOCK. holy Crap. this song is EVIL AND THERES A PIANO SOLO!!! (something i am incapable of doing) and the pianist guy was like u shouldtry!!! thats how u learn!! AND LET ME TELL U HOW THIS SHEET MUSIC LOOKED. NO NOTES. NO NOTHING. JUST THE NAMES OF CHORDS. AND IT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP UP AND SO IMPOSSIBLE AND CRAZY. and i wasl ike HELL NO i am NOT DOING THAT. good decision because i didnt notice there was a piano solo.. and Ofc when piano guy played it he was insane and awesome and so impressive and oh man i think i need to explode! sigh anyways. all of that to say. that i am just so FRUSTRATED!!! with myself and the fact that i am unable to do it! im practicing literally SO hard every day and im trying so hard but i have such a bad mental block and its just NOT CLICKING for me!! and it makes me feel so stupid!! i wanted this for SO LONG. this was like. my ultimate goal. and now that i have it.. im horrible!! and i feel like i physically am unable to fix it, not matter how hard i practice. its so frustrating. the problem is, that i UNDERSTAND the concepts. i know it!! i get my chords and i understand how to invert and voicings ish. i get the concepts. but my brain just doesnt move that fast in practice. i cannot APPLY the concepts to actual music because i SUCK AND I HAVE TO THINK SO HARD ABOUT EVERY CHORD AND NOTE I PLAY. and it sucks SO BAD. because i UNDERSTAND. but then i just CANT DO IT. and im trying so hard but its like. impossible. and its so embarassing and i feel so humiliated and horrible... this def is a privileged pov but ive never had a skill like this ive had to try SO HARD for that i CANT do. every skill and goal ive wanted to achieve (in this way) i have been able to achieve without TOO much effort. like ive always been naturally decent at stuff maybe and now that im not?
"The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold
Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall"
its like a big slap in the face.. SIgh.... i know its literally not that deep and i shouldnt be putting my whole self worth on this one thing but i feel like so out of control of my own life in a stupid way. if i cant do this no matter HOW MUCH i try than wtf am i? i put SO MUCH into wanting this and SO MUCH in the audition and freaking out over it and everything and now that im actually in it i STILL cannot do it!! its just not clicking. and it makes me want to quit and just not do it at all, but like then that makes me a quitter... its either im horrible and terrible at this all year and humiliate myself in front of all these strangers or i fail myself and quit because im scared of my inevitable failure, because i WANT TO BE GOOD SO BAD. and i earned a spot here, i auditioned and got in!! and i feel so passionate about this and i love jazz so much and i HAVE to be capable enough cuz i got in but i just dont see it in me and im placing my whole self worth on it. I WANT TO EXPLODE. and it makes it worse how good the other piano guy is and how nice he is about me being bad at it. i feel like everyone in that room is on some hip jazz wavelength that im not on, fr. in every way, the way the teacher talks and count into songs and everything. IDK TDLR I FEEL LIKE A BIG STUPID IDIOt who cant understand anything at all and it sounds dumb writing it out but its taking over my whole life!!!!!!!!!1111111111 maybe i will just tell the teacher.... *shudders*... he literally Freaking said my audition was phenomenal (HIS WORDS KMS) and i just dont want him to find out that im actually bad and my audition took like an entire month of practice and like a billion takes to do well. i dont even know what the teacher would do. kick me out hopefully. Sigh. anyways this whole problem on top of school stress and everything else evil AND IM ON MY PERIOD!!!! has made me a crazy evil person and i feel so bad for all my friends cuz i become such a bad friend. also some kid that i went to elementary school like in my class with just recently died a couple days ago and usually im not so emotional but What the hell genuinely i was crying over it and i cant stop thinking about it. isnt that so scary?? AND MY SISTER IS LEAVING BACK TO IOWA TOMORROW and im home alone this weekend until tuesday and i dont rly want to be i feel so alnoe and sad UGH GUYSSSSSSSS I HATE MY PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!1
well ill just spend the whole weekend practicing and watching jazz piano youtube tutorials and understand everything but be unable to do it myself!! Yay. shoutout to all my classical piano teachers the past 10 years of my life that didnt even teach me what inversions were and only taught me how to read sheet music and thats it and now im screwed and bad at basic concepts for the rest of my life!!!!!!! sorry i shouldnt blame my lack of skill on them... still a little frustrating though i never learned anything BUT reading sheet music. like comeon. anyways i want to be picked up early from school tmorrow because i have so much anxiety about this but my parents and sister are off to iowa!!!! then im all alone so YAy!! Ugh guys sorry for being the worst girl ever in the world. but i think this is all because im on my period and im just being silly cuz im on my period Duh. and i was literally like 8 days late too.... idk if that means anything. but anyways Wish me luck and pray that i explode before sixth period tomorrow and see u next monyay if this site isnt ded XOXOXOXOXOXOX
