my really (un)interesting thoughts #5

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Hello internet! I have a lot of drafts on this website i will never post and that makes me saddddddddd. yo-yo-yo-yolo! You know what I've been thinking about? I feel like I kind of live in the mindset that some people "get it" and some people just don't get it. and maybe that's true in a sense but also maybe i shouldn't have such an exclusionary mindset. i guess i've been just really thinking about how i work and the world works recently!!!

and maybe im being naive or I'm thinking too deeply about it or something but that shocked me!! its just a lack of empathy i suppose! i just don't understand the point of like... idk.. being a person.. if you think like that? if you dont CARE about others???? idk... i think my brain hurts from thinking too hard about it. in hindsight, it makes senese that my friend thinks like that because thinking back on it, she often is not the most caring friend. which is okay, i love her anyways!

anyways what i was going to originally talk about,,, the whole "getting it" thing. i have been super stuck on that mindset because idk. theres justlike.. a large group of ppeople that i just do NOT get along with.... i just become super Awko Taco LOlololololl.. but its kind of silly? and exclusionary! i have my little mind list of the people i have so many mind lists... IDK IM THINKING TOO HARD ABOUT THINGS i think i shoudl CHillax...

and its weird!! how i will never be in anyone else's head but my own. my friend was talking to me about how she works and it was really interesting. the topic was something trivial like breaking up with her s/o but it was just the way she went about it! she told me that she has accepted that she is toxic and mean and that doing mean things doesn't really affect her. and i don't know WHY, but that really got me... like i just don't understand that. how could anyone have such a small mindset? how can you ACCEPT that you are a bad person without even trying to make an effort to be a good person?

not sure why but that really stuck with me. sometimes it feels like all the christians i know are all the meanest people i know. and in a way, that makes sense. they are christian because they need that support in their lives. and it's not like i can say anything, i am constantly lingering in some in between place. but maybe not making decisions isn't so bad!

history is just absolutely INSANE! its one of my favorite subjects but i hate my class.. but i like what we are learning.. right now its WWII! and god its like i am learning about the world for the first time over again or something i dont know how everyone else in my class isn't more shocked at how horrifying the past is. genuinely. i dont know why its affecting me so badly? i wonder why people don't really care. it really bothers me that ill never be in anyones mind but my own. im just too big a perfectionist. and probably a narcissist. i feel like probably narcissists think the way that i do. im so obsessed with myself and how i come off to others. Sigh.

ever since my breakup i have had way too much time alone which equates to way too much time to think which is just horrible NO ONE should ever leave me alone. terrible things happen. TERRIBLE THINGS! i need something to happen im stuck in horrible limbooooo!!! i dont know which is worse, being stuck in that relationship or being stuck in my own head. probably equal Tbh. but luckily, i fell very over it! the block button genuinely does wonders! i am realtively rly happy right now! just WAY to self obsessed and nitpicking my every move. maybe im a lot more like my dad than i thought... hm!

i feel like everyone on this website is so deep and i am just Not. Idk. i need sleep Get out of YOUR HEAD GIRL!!! goodnight internet!