i thought i was over my body issues. i thought i didn't care about numbers. i thought i didn't care about others opinions. but it's easy to do when you've shut yourself away from the world. i didn't want to hide anymore. i wanted to shout from the rooftops "hey look! we're finally taking the next step! im so fucking happy!" but my brain has had other plans. i sit at my computer trying to figure out what it is i want to do and it often leads to tears. a real deep seeded (is it seated? i don't even know) woe that i haven't felt in a long time. it comes from deep within. it hurts.
planning a wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life. how do you begin to talk about when it's not?
Look at me I will never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter. Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart... Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?
its brought up a lot of feelings for me that have been hard to articulate. i just didn't have the words, and i still don't but i feel like i maybe have a little bit to help me explain.
i think the word i'm looking for is IMPOSTER SYNDROME. it's something i have felt for a long time but these last couple of months have exacerbated it.
just moments after i was proposed to, fear flooded my brain. i'm not skinny enough. i'm not pretty enough. my hair isn't groomed properly. my nails aren't manicured to show off a ring (let alone shop for the ring of my dreams). i don't have family or friends to fill out the traditional roles. i don't have enough money to throw an extravagant party.. but did i even want one? what was going to happen if i decided to go to the courthouse and do something lowkey? would i regret it? should i go out of town to make it feel more special? but then it loops back into...i'm not skinny enough or photogenic enough to pay a photographer to take worthy photos of me. i shouldn't even make such a deal about myself. i shouldn't take up space.
it doesn't help that i have seen actual posts from wedding photographers shaming their brides for being "too fat" or "too ugly" to be celebrating such a big moment. it doesn't help that growing up, my family picked on me for being bigger. im not even that big. it's just that you can't escape the constant pressure to be thin. i am a product of the 90s and the 2000s advertising campaigns. i hate that they have been able to steal such an important moment from me. how many others were taken away bc i felt uncomfortable in my own skin?
how do you talk about it without feeling shame? how do you talk about it without people just brushing it off as the usual wedding cold feet?
i dunno, i'm just really struggling right now and i feel alone. i did not realize how alone i truly was.
i just want everything to be perfect.
how do you plan a wedding when you don't feel like you deserve one? growing up female meant that media was constantly shoving the idea of a perfect bride down my throat.
and it's not like the unhappy feelings are coming from a place where you're thinking, "oh, she just must not want to be married". i've been in this relationship for fifteen years. it's something i've wanted for a long time.