I missed this spot. I really did. There's something about the notion of just making and working through some thoughts here. In this place, in this way - without so much of the other things that make it hard for me to place thoughts together.
Definitely going to have to use this spot more for processing some of these things.
Lately, I've been really realizing the history of dissociation .. specifically depersonalization, derealization that I find myself feeling on a regular basis. It's been intensifying.
It's always been kind of intense for me. But this makes me feel hyper aware of the ways that I can not function. I can't make myself do things when I'm just not here, when I'm so incredibly unreal at least in my perception of self.
So even when I do ground myself in some reality, in my surroundings - I find myself so ... alienated, is it any wonder that this dissociation has been an ongoing thing with me?
I shouldn't be surprised. But the sheer realization of how it has been a pretty regular thoroughline in addition to everything else I have been wrestling with. It really makes me wonder how I managed.
Probably because I've been forced to. Trained to. No options not to try in manage, even if that causes moments of shattering along the way.
And I still feel that shattering, that unfurling. That nagging sense of where do we go from here? Because here isn't it. What I do to just... get through each day isn't it.
When do I have the time figure out what I can do? When do I have the support to figure out really going on a limb. I don't know. It's hard, terribly hard - because there's always the sense of responsibility in a way that I know that I'm really... not working well through.
The sense of change is loud, running through my head on a regular basis. But acting on it? Actually acting on it? Ugh, when do I feel present enough and grounded in that enough to do so?
Too many questions.