Date: 02.11.2023
Music: Tides - Men I Trust
Mood: drained, depressed
i just feel so bad.
and angry
and i'm just so confused with myself
and i dont know what to do.
i've been so worried about my weight recently and i dont know why.
i'm still losing. i'm 4lbs lighter than i was 2 weeks ago but
i still feel really bad? like i'm not losing anything, and that my efforts are worthless
even though i have literal, empirical proof they arent
i still feels like this isnt going anywhere. idk. i'm so confused.
my average since February 3 has been 1005kcal. with my bmr at 1800 i know its physically impossible to gain weight, and i'm not really worried about that, but i am worried about not losing, or staying at 197.8lb.
and i've been watching these videos online and they're not making things any better?
they say "oh if youre not losing, just restrict and the pounds will melt right off"
but i AM restricting and the pounds arent "melting"
its a fight for every pound i've lost and like. i just feel like i'm doing something wrong.
i've had several days in the past 2 weeks 1100-1500
but idk. i feel so weird. mentally i feel so bad. i feel like i'm binging constantly
where i just felt so drained it was hard getting out of bed
not as bad as last month when i was between 500 - 800 most days
i feel so bad everyday.
and it just sucks finding motivation to restrict more because i keep getting the thought
that nothing i'm doing will ever change who i am, and that i'll be fat forever
and at least last month i had that skinny motivation
because i thought i knew i was doing everything i could and the lbs were coming off
because i was restricting and fasting some days and i felt like i was on fire.
everyday i felt so hungry. i would fall asleep to hunger pains and that felt amazing.
and. ugh. it just feels like everything was already decided.
because i've been fat since a kid and there's nothing to be done.
and there's no reversing the weight i've gained.
i'll keep losing the same 10lbs but i'll never be skinny.
same with my personality.
i'll still be me, insecure, jealous, and fake.
it doesnt matter how much i try to be bubbly or outgoing,
and it makes me feel like im not restricting enough.
but not letting myself eat still hurts me mentally.
and that leads to me feeling like its not worth it. its not gonna change anything if i eat another 100 over my limit, i'm not losing anyway
and then i'll eat a bagle, or a cupcake, or have a drink
that i would just keep eating less and eventually i would be skinny.
but now, i dont even fucking know whats happening.
and immediately feel terrible. because that was the difference between being in the 900s and being in the 1000s.
even fasting i dont feel hungry,
i dont fall asleep hungry,
i never feel really hungry. i only feel cravings.
i'm not doing enough.
this felt like something i could suffer. that my motivation would only increase.