the world i see

short hikes, friends, wooden texture, stationery, what do you see through your eyes?

Composed on

My mom had the audacity

To tell my homophonic grandmother that I’m

A lesbian


Jokes on them both I’m ace😎

me

dogs 🐕 🐩

• Composed on

Smiles here

Something unusually happened to me today


Something weird

My dog who’s a sweet golden doodle which is always friendly and loving

Did something odd

odd

He growled at me which he never does like


He snapped at me for some reason

He acted different

odd

He’s a golden doodle at the age of three do they tend to usually act out like this ?

I wonder. . .




That’s probably what google is for . . .

wonder

wonder

different

different

Until next time, smiles signing off

signing off

signing off

about me,,

Trees

• Composed on

Hmm, what’s this?

Info about me?


Go ahead take a look











I love the erincore aesthetic

It’s such a pretty thing

i enjoy the nature that surrounds

Us

Plants, trees, flowers

I like lots of pixel things

As you can see

I do own two dogs

I love this with all my heart <3 <3

In fact I actually do art, would you

Like to see ?

I mainly find ideas on Pinterest

some just come from the brain

I draw almost everyday non stop

It’s like a working habit

On to the next of the info about me

I love photography even tho I’m not the greatest at it

I still enjoy it at times

this is my first post

I will make another one that shows more about me

Soon

smil3te3th signing off🧌

Compost Site Log 001

Working at Dirt Wain, a compost company in the midwest, USA.

• Composed on

I’m now grounds keeper (compost site technician) at a compost site, so I’m going to be keeping a regular log of my work there. I've been working as a production assistant for a public access TV station for the past 5 years while doing game development and creative coding projects on the side, so I'm just excited to get outside and work on something that I find to be helpful, and meaningful to my life.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

I woke up early this morning to start training for my new job at a composting site in my hometown.  I’ll be mostly working on upkeep for the compost site itself, but also doing some web and app development, along with some art projects related to the composting company.  

I rode along with one of my new coworkers as they did their weekly route to pick up compost from pickup subscribers.  We talked about her dual-citizenship in Spain, and what life is like there when she visits.  When I studied classical guitar performance in college, a lot of the repertoire I played was from Spanish composers.  I’d love to visit sometime.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Friday, June 24, 2022

This morning I woke up early and went out to the compost site to beat the sun.  A big reason why I was hired on to help is that the few employees they have are usually too exhausted to do the tedious cleaning after a long day of routes and drop offs. In this way, I really feel like it's my job to nurture the space in a way that will help both the compost and the other workers themselves. I hope that I can maintain this feeling that I'm giving them something, like a gift of a clean and welcoming space to come to when they're dropping off.

After the route, I went out to the compost site for the first time, which will be my new office in a weird way.  The geodesic dome got damaged during last week’s derecho so I’ll want to fix that up and get the tarp over it so that I can have some shade to rest in.  The sun beats directly down, leaving nowhere to hide from it.

I raked up some leftover grass from the farmer’s who host the compost size, and we used that to mix in with the new drop-off.  Brett, the compost site owner, then used a big machine to stir up the compost and add it to the newest pile.  I’d like to learn more about the recipe for the piles, but I’m sure that will come in time.  

Friday, June 24, 2022

I picked about 4 buckets worth of plastic and other unwanted objects out of the piles and the ground.  I pull plastic out of the ground like weeds.  It’s incredibly satisfying.  I have strong sense of purpose after seeing how much of a difference one day of me being here makes.  I also went back to the fields and raked up more of the leftover grass from the farm.  We can use this to pad the drop-off compost from the ground so that it doesn’t harden from the moisture, and also for mixing into the piles.  

I’ve found that I talk to myself.  I noticed as I was doing it, that I would explain out loud my plan for the next task.  My grandfather used to do this when he was a farmer.  In the mornings that we stayed over, we’d hear him on the toilet going over his daily tasks.  My grandpa did this.  Now I do this.


Anyway, until next time...

- space___owl

Composed on

i am eating an orange ice lolly

yum!

Composed on

Binary beings trapped in a binary world

Which way is up, which way is down?

Will you go in, will you go out?

dream abt cartridges

watermelon moon so happy ur alive!

• Composed on

so yeah we're at it again.

but im telling you right now

the nightly sighs,

the stars flush on your belly,

the doorbell lean,

it's all a little longer now.

these days i have weird dreams about an aquarium

the walls blue

my face blue

i mean if ur lost in ur dream

u commit to the impossible work of control

one more day

Composed on

there is a wonderful day ahead !

let's get ready ..

I figured out the problem. I know the solution

Composed on

I’ve had some serious fucked up days. I think I’ve stabilized. I went to the hospital for the 4th time this year. I’m okay now.

I have been fighting to figure out what I want. I want to make the world a better place. I dug deep, going into the depths of philosophy, music, prison, slavery, among other things.

We do not know what we want, because we have lost the need to live.

Pythagoras was wrong. A² + B² = C^2 is wrong. I have a formula that approaches it from two different prospective that align at that specific formula. It is looking at a 4-D image, and only seeing a 2D crossplane.

I have also formed perfect pitch, by listening to strictly acoustical performances based on the same fundamental.

What do the Blues and the Beethoven have in common?

NO NO NO NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

Count the space in between each work. 3, 4…. ……5

Beethoven 5

There are many implications to how this works, and I am working on developing those theories into building tools that are easy to use and understand.

I am using my dog as my experiment and am finding incredible results.

We must bring forth the Era of a Harmonic world.

Introducing LeChonk

New New New

• Composed on

New Pokeemanz living right.

GAKKOUGURASHI

READ IT NOW.

• Composed on

if you need a good story, i highly recommend

pleas e... anime or manga, both are very different and so completely worth the watch. ive been sitting on this for years and im still upset it didnt get a season 2 just cus it isnt popular enough. lol.

i dont recommend googling it before reading/watching because SPOILERS EVERYWHEREE, but i will warn that there is death and gore [tho it isnt heavy gore, mostly just blood and wounds]. it is mainly a psychological horror after all .,.. but the beginning is very very important n i believe it is best to go in blind !!

bc the anime was short, there r more characters in the manga and the story is more extensive. however, the anime is still just as important n i think if U want a shorter story w just as much emotion, it is perfect for U . that being said., i do prefer the manga a lot more ... the story gets to me more than the anime. both made me cry doe. i wanna make sure thats clear lol.

give it a chance ...i promise it is worth, fr.

Composed on

spinning.

spinning,

spinning,

spinning,

Spinning,

All these energies are moving this way

Like this.

This is a circular vortex.

Composed on

HELL

O dear.

Journal thing, I guess

hi again

• Composed on

18.05.2022:

My school does a thing where they let our year navigate the city in small groups to like build independence and stuff. But yeah, I just finished that and oh my god I'm so glad it's over. When it was far into the future I was so excited for it but the more you learn about exactly what you're doing and how much work there is, it starts to suck... so I'm glad it's over and I can't wait to go back to normal, boring school!

20/05/2022:

Wrote an essay today! I'm so tired and starting to kinda get sick of one of my friends... it always sucks when this happens but also this keeps only happening with this friend. I tell her that something their doing is really annoying me and she just doesn't care. I do kinda have unchecked anger issues which I need to figure out but she should still be a little more considerate imo... but whatevs, I'm fine!

Composed on

I am in an abusive relationship.


I don’t know who to talk to.

I don’t know who to reach out to.


I am in an abusive relationship, and I can’t get out.


She wanted me to pay off all my debt so that we can get married.

I sold my professional instrument. I sold my car. I paid off my debt.

Due to health issues, I stay at home, take care of the house and the animals while she is at work. I take classes, pursue hobbies, and focus on my research.

After paying the debt, she started asking me to pay for other things, including: human food, pet food, pet vet bills, contractors for the house, an Airbnb in LA, and other things.


I am in an abusive relationship. I can’t get out. I don’t know who to turn to.


Because I had money, she asks me to use it.

I have been denied unemployment and disability. I am not able to find a job that does not prevent me from taking care of the house and animals without her getting upset.

She keeps promising that things will change and that she loves me, so I keep trusting her.

I am not able to leave, because I do not have the financial ability to leave in a safe way.

So I try to do enough to where she will stop abusing me.

Regardless of what I do however, she does not stop. She will not stop taking her frustrations out at me. She will not stop violating my space. She will continue saying things that she is doing with expectations that I do something that was not stated. When I tell her of my pain, she will not accept that what she is doing is hurtful to me.


I am in an abusive relationship. I can’t get out. I don’t know who to turn to. I need help.


She tells me how I feel. I tell her how I feel. She does not believe me. She asks me what I want to do. I tell her what I want to do. She will then do things that prevent me from doing what I want to do. She will then ask if I want her to leave.

If I say no, she sits there and watches me. If I say yes, she ignores me and watches me, upset.

The more I do, the more she expects from me. When those expectations aren’t met, I am punished. As expectations grow, so does the punishment. When I try to share my feelings, I am told what I actually am feeling. When I try and to calmly express that I am hurting, and explain why I’m hurting, she cries and yells abuse. She cries and yells until I push all of my feelings away and give her the emotional supports she wants. She calms down.

My feelings will then not be addressed unless I bring it up again.

If I bring it up again, she says that it had already been resolved. The reason was that I stopped talking about it. She is now upset that I brought this up again.

I barely have ownership of anything. She violates every boundary I have tried to put up. She will just bust in and expect me to be ready and prepared for her. There is no warning.

She will tell me that i’m doing good. I will accomplish tasks and confirm that I did things well. At no point does she say that I did anything wrong. I ask if there’s anything I can do better, and she says no. I ask if there’s any other tasks I can accomplish? She says no.

She will then yell at me and tell me how I am the reason for all of her problems. She will tell me how she’s struggling to pay bills. She says that she’s struggling to keep up. She says that I do not contribute enough.

When I provide examples of all of the things that I have been doing and things I am working on, she does not believe that it is enough.


I am in an abusive relationship. I can’t get out. I don’t know who to turn to. I need help. I need a way out.


Yesterday, I told her that I do not feel safe, that I do not trust her, and that I want to move out. She did not believe me. She said that we can talk about it when she comes home.

I tell her that I want to talk and that I will cancel the airbnb. She does not believe me. I cancel the airbnb.

She came home from work shortly after. We met with our therapist. It was supposed to be a solo session with her. She wanted me to come with her. I told her I did not feel comfortable. She demanded that I come. The therapist asked what was going on.


I told her I do not feel safe, I do not trust her, and that I want to move out.


I was then dismissed and they continued on.

Since then she has stayed home from work. She has never touched me more now than she ever has before. I do not like it. I do not feel safe. When I ask why, she says that she cares and she’s making changes.

She tells me to do things that I normally do by myself. She has never asked me to do this before. She wants to do them with me so that she can watch me.

She told me to stretch. To stretch like I normally stretch.

I’m crying, I’m shaking.

I told her I do not want to do this. I do not feel safe. She continues to insist. I do not want to do this. She does not cancel the order.

So I got naked on the floor and opened my body to the world.

She didn’t say anything. She just watched as I cried shaking on the floor naked. There was no acknowledgement of the situation. There was nothing but silence. I put my clothes back on and sat on the floor next to her on the couch.

She then gives me food. She asks how it is. She says that she had to change the recipe. I look and see that we were out of spinach. I should have ordered spinach earlier.

She says she made it for me because she loves me. She said that she’s doing what she’s doing because she cares. When I tell her that it is good, she thanks me for the compliment.


I told her I do not feel safe, I do not trust her, and that I want to move out.

Her response was that I should be sent to a psych ward.


I do not know what to do. I do not know who to talk to. A suicide attempt ended in a hospitalization. At the hospital, I told the staff that I am in an abusive relationship. She said that I was in psychosis. I was tied down by the police and tranquilized.

Everyone I reach out to either does not respond, or refers me to another person.


I am in an abusive relationship, and I do not know how to get out.


I have a disability. Covid destroyed both my industry and my physical ability to perform at a professional level. I have been and am capable of financial stability. I have been denied state and federal monetary benefits including disability and unemployment.


I am in an abusive relationship. I need to find a way out.


I do not know what to do. I do not know who to reach out to. Nobody believes that I am capable, and they do not believe that what I have done in the past is credible.

I do not want to kill myself. I do not want to by tied down by police and tranquilized. I just want a place where I can focus on my personal health, my music, and my research.


I am in an abusive relationship. I just want to leave.


I don’t want to hurt anyone. I do not want anything bad to happen to anyone.


I just want to get out.


I do not know who to talk to. I do not know who to reach out to. I have not been able to reach out to anyone willing to work through this with me and help me find stability and safety.


I don’t know what to do.


I need help


trust the process: animal crossing blanket

first in a series!

• Composed on

welcome to a new series(?) i'm calling "trust the process." i'll go through different art pieces and explain how they changed as i made them.

i decided to make a plush animal crossing blanket over the weekend. i ended up making it in two sizes. i'm pretty proud of how it came out, so let's take a look at how it was made!

large size

small size

i decided to make a plush animal crossing blanket over the weekend. i ended up making it in two sizes. i'm pretty proud of how it came out, so let's take a look at how it was made!

i started with nook's face. for some reason this took me a really long time because i couldn't get it to look right? but i got it eventually. the nooklings are the same as nook with different eyes.

i originally put the nooks (plus a few furniture leaves) on a plain cream background with a wavy border, but i didn't like how it looked and came up with the "quilt" idea.

originally i wanted tom to be the only thing not in a square, but quickly changed that.

then i took a rough pass at the "quilted" shapes in the squares. after that, i cleaned them up and refined them.then i boosted the saturation and lightened the color of the border and the grid.

then i boosted the saturation and lightened the color of the border and the grid.

then i had the idea to include a "patch" background for the leaf. i don't know why, but i'm really happy with this decision and i think it adds a lot to the overall design!!

i originally used the same "x" stitches as the border, but it looked too busy, so i changed it to a simpler stitch, as well as lightened the color of the patch itself. i really like the end result!

at the very last second, i rearranged everything, and then i was done!

thanks for taking the time to read this! i hope to continue this series with art in different styles and mediums!

personal shop: shop.itsevergreen.rip

discord: evergreen#7208

email: me(at)itsevergreen.rip

website: itsevergreen.rip

etsy: ItsEvergreen

if you're interested in a duvet cover or comforter, i can make that happen too :)

the plush blanket is available is small and large sizes, which are $40 and $60 respectively.

Composed on

We had a double rainbow today.

May it make you smile.

And I'm sharing it with all of you.

Making room for my goals

Vision 2022

• Composed on

I’ve been spending a lot of time in toxic only spaces

It's up to me to stop being so obsessed with being informed. The spaces haven't done so much to help me to make them worth the emotional and mental labor.

I see a lot of people underestimate how spending time in certain spaces affects them over all. Some of accomplishing goals is maintaining a mental health and mindset.

Gloving

Vision 2022

• Composed on

Gloving is a dance, and I'm def not gonna get better over night.

I do stuff like this!

I have very basic cheap gloves and I'm working to improve!

Brief thoughts

Having to think through some things, process some next steps

• Composed on

I have to move with some more intention. I have to figure out what I want to do and how I want to spend my time.

I'm definitely trying to figure out a way out of my current job. But it seems like I'll have to craft what is next for me personally.

Maybe research contracting work? Because I don't mind researching - but.. I don't know if I want to do this all the time. I want more time for myself. For others around me.

I want more time to carve out something more in this world. Especially since things seem to be coming undone before my eyes. And I am in no place to keep on like we can just keep on.

There's so little time left. And I have to get it where I fit in.

Although there's no place that I truly fit. Hm.

Life update

Listen to Dai Dai Dai Kirai by Dennkopop rn or else ill eat u

• Composed on

Man... things have been really hard lately :( I feel like the world just fuckin hates my guts. Every day gets harder and harder to get through. My meds don't fuckinf work and I'm so damn tired all of the damn time.

Sorry... I'm just stressed. I hate final exams. I hate texas. I hate being here. I wanna cry,,,, but I feel like I'm not allowed to.

I love pink it's an awesome color

top 7 babmi

rank

• Composed on

number 7

number 6

number 5

number 4

number 3

number 2

And...number 1...best bami all time...

He'm.

2022.04.22-29

april journals

• Composed on

it's friday, which means my first week back to school after spring break is almost over. thank god. school is eternally exhausting. ap exams are coming up and i am not looking forward to them :/

2022.04.22

today was the first day of the local comic con, and i went with four of my friends!!! it's been cancelled for the last two years, so i'm glad it was finally happening again this year.

started watching serial experiments lain finally, really enjoying it so far ( ᐛ )و

2022.04.23

i spent all 70 of the dollars i brought with me, and got a signed photo from some guy who apparently was a klingon actor in deep space nine! (haha i've only watched 2 episodes of dsn but i managed to almost hold a conversation) i got a really nice steven universe fan zine too, along with a bunch of stickers and a couple art prints.

for lunch, we ended up walking downtown to get burritos my favorite restaurant that i haven't been to in forever, definitely worth the mile walk down but the mile walk up was a pain--

two of the previously mentioned friends ended up coming home w me because my neighbor is having a late birthday party, so i ended up spending over 12 hours with both of them,, kind of exhausted (socially, physically, and mentally) now!!

2022.04.24

2022.04.29

not looking forward to that :/ because i've been spending more time studying this last week, i've had less time to draw/game which means my bad moods get worse

a pretty chill day. been working on going through the ap daily review videos in preparation for my upcoming ap european history exam. may 6th, babyy--

almost done with this week! joined a study group discord which has been helpful in motivating me to keep up with my assignments and studying, though i have yet to have a proper conversation there.

finally bought a new thing of boba pearls, it's been over two weeks since i've last had some which was an uncomfortable change from my nearly daily boba (i like being able to chew my tea, just drinking liquid is boring)

finished making the button for my necities, not quite sure if i love it but it's not bad. gotta actually finish up my button page though so i can post it there.

only a week left until ap exams!!! working hard ⊂(=_= ;





decided to make myself a nice lunch today instead of just packing some leftovers from the day before, and i'm really excited for lunch now. it took almost an hour to cook the rice and the soup, but i think it was worth it, actually doing stuff when i get up helps me keep my energy high throughout the day.

Composed on

4/28/22

busy busy busy busy busy busy

things I did today:

bought some gummy bears

shopped for discount easter candy

drank a bottle of sake

enjoyed riding in my rental car thats way nicer

than mine

be well xoxo

Superpower Showdown

*~*~ procrastinator v. workaholic ~*~*

• Composed on

I read an excerpt of this book about just how strange eels are. The excerpt made a big impression on me. For hundreds of years, nobody had any clue where eels came from. They just thought they were kind of magic? Eels live in rivers and streams as adults but swim into the open ocean and all the way to the Sargasso Sea (the current-free middle bit of the North Atlantic) to lay their eggs and die. So that's where they're born, too, and live their young lives. Strange, toothy-grinned beasts. I want to read the whole book.

I swim like an eel through another day and another and another, the days accumulating like so much open ocean.

I love how the grocery store sells these tomatoes as "TOMATO GRAPE CHERRY".

Why not tack a few more on?

TOMATO GRAPE CHERRY PEAR LEMON CANTALOUPE STRAWBERRY

Part of me wants to work 14 hours a day, to always be going. Then there's this other part that says, No. You can't do anything else today. You are a slug. A happy slug.

Sometimes I just go lay in bed and look up at the ceiling fan, spinning around, pushing the air down, spinning too fast for me to see the blades as more than a blur, unless I blink my eyes open for just a split second. I lay there and stare up at the fan in lieu of thinking or acting or sometimes even breathing. It's very predictable.

Lately I've been writing 1,000 words in my journal every night. Which seems to me like an odd perversion or at best a compulsion. Maybe it's the weird number-counting. But then I was explaining it to my therapist, and she was like, "Wow. It's hard to get people to write, like, a paragraph." Which just reminded me how much our society codes certain things as "good" and "virtuous" and somehow my favorite things of like, reading books and writing down bullshit are now placed in the same category as other supposedly unpleasant but socially virtuous activities like exercising or eating organic or volunteering. Which I basically like all those things, too! But when they have the veneer of a certain social class, and a certain desire to be seen a certain way—it gets hard to tease out where the pleasure lies. For me, I try to approach the journal as a total indulgence, like eating ice cream from the carton or doing your eye makeup just so.