the world i see

short hikes, friends, wooden texture, stationery, what do you see through your eyes?

june journal 01

begging on my knees for you to read the seafort saga. 2024/06/06

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not much has changed, but i want to do another one of these so i'm just gonna ramble a whooole bunch :3

1. ended up reading the next two books in the seafort saga, cuz i didn't actually ever finish that series. not reading the last book yet though, because i'm happy enough with the ending of the 6th book and fear a cliffhanger in the last book, since feintuch died before he had a chance to publish the 8th. but ohhh boy. those books. idk why i waited so long to read them bc the implications they have for the rest of feintuch's work is crazy.

sticking with the limited palette again, it's a fun challenge and helps the final result look more cohesive even if it doesn't look quite as cool as it could w/ color.

2.a. in book 5, we have a new protagonist, seafort's son (pt). we set him up with the usual best friend arrangement (jared).

4. okay, maybe "wins" is a bit of a stretch. the only part of the curse they break is the "figuring out the feelings" thing, not the eventual death of the best friend. as seafort watches jared die because he's too slow to save him, he goes back to calling him pt's "friend." he holds the shoulders of his own "friend" (fifth edition, seafort goes through best friends faster than wives) as he dies. and yet.

2. you see, feintuch gives every one of his protagonists a gay best friend. this friend loves the protagonist, and while the protagonist may use the word "love" a whole lot (and even have a sexual relationship, in rodrigo's case), the protagonist never fully returns the feelings. they move on, settle down with a girl (or three girls, in seafort's case, bc they keep dying/going insane). yet this doesn't make them happy. okay. there could be a lot of reasons for that, it doesn't mean they would be happy with the best friend character. sure. sure. until you get to book 6.

3. yet in book 6 we're back to seafort as narrator. okay, what happened to pt and jared? oh. ohhhh. they broke the curse. they broke the cycle. they've been living together for five years, dating for longer, and are considering adoption. seafort calls jared his 'son in law.' and they're the happiest any seafort protagonists have ever been. all that effort, into showing exactly how they followed in their forefathers shoes in the last book, and feintuch says the right decision was to love each other. love wins.

5. a timeline that repeats, over and over and over. emotionally distant parents, near death illness, gay best friend. become a man. and yet the man that was happiest was the one who both accepted (seafort couldn't) and returned (rodrigo couldn't) the feelings of his best friend. the year is 1999. when i first started looking for this series after reading rodrigo of caledon, i could only find the sixth book. over and over and over again. and in the end, they were happy.

do you like space (the retro scifi kind)? do you like the navy hierarchy (or at least watching characters struggle in it)? do you like characters racked with calvinist guilt (catholics have nothing on seafort)? do you like insanely codependent office relationships between two men who really reallly really should just be court martialed? read the seafort saga i'm on my knees broo. not eddie boss on my knees in front of seafort. but i'm on them.

i made a joke about making my own space navy characters and then accidentally followed through and got wayyyy too attached to them. what if you were a seminary student on your final pilgrimage before becoming a priest but this annoying midshipman won't leave you alone and the ship computer somehow knew about your childhood best friend who only exists in your memories and you know was never real? also your name is boyer. it's the future you gotta have a stupid name okay. i am a responsible creator and did not make these guys up because i realized msi's "5tr82he11" wouldn't fit one of my pre existing ocs bc none of them believe in hell. what

got really into listening to msi lmaooo. i'd been exclusively listening to "sex for homework" for a couple weeks before my best friend (if we were feintuch characters he'd be the protagonist and i'd be the best friend. but like. just alexi or tyre level though not like derek or vax. okay maybe vax but not jason) pointed out that i had it on one of my oc playlists and recommended the band's album "pink". and that shit was good. got the guy i'm the feintuch protagonist for to listen to it too, and then listened to the album "<3" a couple days later. listened to "you'll rebel to anything" today but didn't like it as much as the last two.

back home in 25 days. chinese class is done (german girl kissed me on the cheek as i stood up to do my final presentation. we've barely talked sense). school all week now but tuesdays and thursday are just in the library. getting back into chess (getting better at endgame, usually my weakest part). getting closer to finishing an online calculus course. found a collection of nobel prize winner literature in the english section of the library, reading a physical book for the first time in ages (already nearly to 100 for the year).

on the bus home from our final rotary trip, my classmates cried. i didn't. i felt happy about that. i hadn't made any emotional attachments. as always, i'm ready to move on. life is a stream, i'm okay if it whisks me away. but then i used to modicum of emotional intelligence left in my half asleep head, and realized that while i would never be as sad as them, i'd never be as happy as they had been either. i thought about this, closed my eyes for a while, and opened them. when they gave advice to the future exchange students, they emphasized always going out when they were invited. i didn't do that. if i'd done that, could i have been one of them? then i realized that was stupid. when i did go out with them, i was stressed out. maybe we could've been better friends, but i do genuinely enjoy myself better alone. could i have had as many happy memories as i did (because thinking about it, i did have plenty) if i'd been forcing myself into a state of near constant anxiety to hang out with them? probably not. it's the past now.

i think a lot about how nice it would be to have a best friend who i could tell everything to. yet i only just realized to do that, i'd have to tell someone things. i arrive at an impasse. "i've made no close friends here," i say. "what about emanuel?" eli asks. "oh, i just hang out with him because it's convenient." i say this, but sometimes i worry he understands me better the person i call my best friend. he's read rodrigo, he's read seafort, including my annotations. he's watched most of logh, he listens to msi when i share earbuds with him. he knows i'm in love with myself. he makes ur mom jokes on my behalf to igor. if that's just convenience, what have any of my friendships been?

i worry that because i'll never be as trusting as a child again, i've forever missed my chance to have a life changing best friend. when i was a kid, i was alone. i had friends at school, but we didn't hang out afterwards. half my memories aren't real. i remember people i've never met and places i've never been. i miss someone i never knew. i look in the mirror and i see her.

pax.

started playing bully! i love it so far i haven't had this much fun in a game in ages

when i was reading book 5, i was really scared. i saw my younger self in pt, the kid who was too fast at school work and well liked by adults because he knew how to act around them. i saw myself in jared, closer to my current self, upset at the world and everyone around him. unable to trust anyone. i knew jared was going to die and i was so sure it wasn't going to be fair. pt would always be loved and jared would always be hated. but that wasn't what happened at all. they found their own love, they grew up. they blundered and improved. time is a stream, change is inevitable. maybe, you just have to hope for the impossible (a feintuch protagonist being happily in love with his best friend). no need to get calvinist about it.

in a bit of a daze

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did a little bit of mopping and sweeping - just kind of decompressing from having company over since last night until this past noon. it was overall a wonderful time, with good conversations, affection, vulnerability and just.. moving through some emotions. and just really relishing in the company.

now i'm feeling a little bit foggy. very much myself. and i'm sure the constant screams about the world at large is not far from my mind. but right now i'm just.. letting my mind drift for a moment.

Updates

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I know it's been a little bit too long since I've been on here. But it's always a treat being able to log in and do this kind of little.. hidden spot of documenting and thinking.

The year has been passing by quite quickly and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm still carrying a lot of grief and anger around the multiple genocides going on around the world with the US often at the center or at least being a major player behind the,

It's disgusting how the West operates off the subjugation of so many others. It makes anything that I do here feel oddly rotten and empty a lot of the time. And yet, I still have to be in some form or fashion and that's not easy to do - when everything feels so tenuous anyway.

Additionally.. I am just growing more into myself, making more art. writing more. making little beats, playing around with sound. I suppose creation in the midst of the terrors .. is something. It's not enough. Would never be enough along with study, with gathering with carrying the grief and talking about what's hurting to as many as I can to spread, spread, spread all that needs to be known and continues to need to be surfaced.

Idk.

There's a strange place to be - trying to slow down and yet it feels like everything is heightening at the same time. The contradictions that I am learning more about each day is a lot to undertake. But I feel compelled to do it, I can't turn away from what is, what has been happening - in order to try and face and push towards what could be.

Bringing it back!?

Renewed visions!

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Food reviews are back! Resumed FOOD STAMP FOODIES TODAY! Very excited about that! I love food and I love sharing good food suggestions with people!

I'm getting back into zines this year!

Going to make my first zine VERY soon.

Might make it about my backstory of being homeless. I'm also thinking up art zine ideas.

Finally gonna commit to T this year. See what that looks like. Gonna look into voice training, too.

Might bring back a cab - my mutual aid to pay for people's rideshare. I'll see about that one, tho.

Goal Updates

Visions

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It's been so long, so since we're all back and it's not the start of the month, I'll do a progress report.

I've put alot of effort into rebranding my social media presentation these past few days. I've been online for a long time, and this is all new to me because I never thought I'd WORK HERE - but here I am.

I put the passport goal down for a while. It's summer, so I'm looking more at the rollerblading goal and swimming goal. Unfort, I'm having a breathing thing that might be long covid, so I might be postponing the swimming thing, as well.

It's honestly going so far so good, aside from a few platform hiccups! I'm ok. It's the online platforms with issues, but it keeps my thinker thinking with the puzzle of ways to work around it!

Honestly, I'm not going to shame myself if rebranding and building a presence to become financially secure takes priority over my other goals. I need to have some kind of stability, even if it's in an unstable environment, and building a brand is how I'll do that.

I've also been focusing on my health and body image. I'm also going to start T this year. An unexpected goal, but a goal none the less! I won't stay on T. I'm just dropping my voice and maybe group facial hair. A few months to a year will be enough for me.

My thyroid is doing better. It may never be normal size again, but it's better. We're going to see if having covid did something to it, tho.

Another goal I would rather meet this year is get an e bike. It's harder to find stage 2s in stores, tho. Most shops only have stage 1s, or stage 1s and 3s. Donno wasup with that.

Something that wasn't on my original goal chart was getting back into my other interests. I've been getting eaten up by politics, and it's important for me to live the other aspects of my life.

I resurrected my food review series. I got some new artbooks because I don't know where my other ones are. I'm also going to resume making zines. I def have A LOT to zine about!

sigh

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from time to time i remember that a band i loved, or what's left of them now, turned into completely unhinged transphobic conspiracy believers. they literally believe every conspiracy in existence at this point. i'm only waiting for the day when they post on their blog that the earth is flat.

EotV 2

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i dont have it yet (i can't, it comes out in 2 days) and i'm not sure if i'll get it instantly, but i'll get it eventually. to be honest, i dont even know where the put the book right now. i hate digital books, i stare at screens all day and i want to read actual printed books. i decluttered my book collection a while ago and brought like 20 kg to the public book box. but there's still not really space right for such a fat new book, so i guess i'll have to think about how i can declutter more. *sigh* it seems dumb to me to have only the first book in a series, and i know i'll devour it just like the 1st one. so i have to figure out where to put it.

blah

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sometimes i'm a bit ashamed i can't really make such vibrant collages with so much content. first of all i don't want to be yelled at for posting "uncredited content" and i also don't want to clutter half the size of the collage with credit links either, so i'm just keeping it at mostly text. secondly, i also am really bad at crafting.

so i guess this just stays a text-based page. i kind of miss writing about EotV here, but anyway, maybe i can start again soon since the 2nd book gets published in my language in only a few days.

Back online!?

We were down and out without you!

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I joined the discord after I was trying to get on here after a week of it being down. And, then it stayed down for a month. I was starting to think it was over...

But we're all back home!

05.22.2024

life stuff, bit all over the place

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HAL

so much music has been released

this month by the artists i listen to,

so thats been fun ^_^

been watching lots of youtube,

been wanting to play video

games but depression is evil

SOTD : GAY UGLY AND HARD TO UNDERSTAND - BLACK DRESSES

accidentally missed a psych appt

which sucked, made me real anxious.

all i can do is reschedule and hope

she aint mad at me. had dnd tonight

which was a treat as always. hopefully

this summer will be my summer :)

05.15.2024

welcome back multiverse

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HAL

It's been a while, huh?

Wasn't expecting to see this site up again,

but clicked every so often, hoping...

and look, it's back :-)

since it went down, my birthday has came and went

it wasn't a great birthday but i suppose not awful

one year i'll finally be able to spend it with my bf

and that's all that matters to me.

besides that, nothing has really happened.

my life is a total snoozefest lol. see you next time

SOTD: SPIT IT OUT - SLIPKNOT

skypics.jpg

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a collection of pictures of the sky, taken by me, during february 2024

journal entry no.??

2024/03/03

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2024/03/03 ☆*: .

i return! trying out a slightly different way of formatting posts this time, using a lot more of the random images i have saved :D hopefully it both looks cool and also does a better job of communicating who i am or something

back to school, bought my plane ticket home (july 1), had to reject the same guy again.

read 19 more books (including dungeon meshi, the last herald-mage series, and two different catholic school shojou/proto-bl manga), working through the 20th (boswell's same sex unions in pre-modern europe).

been doing slightly less drawing, and what i have been doing has been mostly in ms paint.

looking forward to going home, but enjoying my time here.

what do i want to do with my life? how do i convince an elderly couple of farmers to adopt me as their own? if i want to be a farmer, why the hell am i going to school for an astronomy degree? should i learn piano? write a book? which book do i write? or is a comic a better medium? what about a series of greek vases? is my favorite book not good? will my mother ever be proud of me? will i ever remember the difference between perfect and imperfect tense? will the world collapse in 10 years or 20?

i've been playing a lot of minecraft recently. i think it's a game that shows the inherent goodness of humanity. our desire to build. our ability to collaborate. that we don't need governing systems to care for each other.

i think a lot about rodrigo of caledon. what is love? boswell says that humans usually don't even properly understand what they are feeling at a given moment, and are therefore much less able to accurately identify emotions in another person. rodrigo loves rustin. is it different than the way he feels for tresa, his fiance? yes. is either of those feelings inherently more 'true' or 'meaningful'? i don't think so. tresa and her relationship to roddy admittedly feels a bit more one dimensional than the relationship with rustin, but she can't help being a woman in a 90s fantasy novel. catullus once tells lesbia that he loves her "not only as a mistress, but in the way a father loves his sons." i didn't get it for a while, but when i was picking out quotes for this post, i reread the paragraph that drives me insane ("was this love? would i feel so for tresa, were she mine?") and finally took the time to think about the sentence proceeding it: "were he a child of my own flesh, i could feel no greater pain." ohhh. this. this is what catullus was talking about. i see. i get it.

i like reading and talking about love, but i've never experienced genuine romantic attraction in my life. or maybe that's not it, but i love everything to the point where singling out one person to love the most seems ridiculous. i think this is the monk/nun grindset. maybe i should become a priest. hmm.

iphis and ianthe is so underrated despite being the only surviving greco-roman myth about sapphics...

i'm nearly done watching lotgh! only 9 episodes (out of 110) left... maybe next post will be about why it's so good. maybe.

pax!

March 24 Vision Broad

Wealth, black alt friends, e bikes

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I would consider myself as a neet. I

rarely go outside, even if I do, I

only go somewhere like grocery store.

I don't go to school as well. Hmm, I

should avoid topics that trigger me.

My daily life is plain and boring, I

wake up, browse the Internet, and

sleep. I isolate myself from the

society as a coping mechanism. People

are scary after all. And my tattered

heart can't hold pain anymore. My

shut-in life is peaceful recently

(it was chaotic cuz of my family).


i made 3 onigiri 4 u...

Vent maybe?

Ome wanted some dinosaurs

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I really wish things were less complicated sometimes.

Had to cut contact with two long-time close friends because of a mess between them that I was caught in the middle of and now I'm just kind of lost. Oh well, life moves on.

The transition period between losing a trusted space and having to find a new one is always the lowest. But it's probably for the best I left and let them keep their own space instead.

At least we started cooking! Theo would probably like the fact if not for him having to clean up that one time water boiled over from the pasta when we went to the bathroom. Oops.

Alter that feels comfortable being angry save me

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picnic w me?

I'm afraid of change. I've felt depressed

for so long that I even find comfort in

it. It sounds weird for some people but

this makes sense to me. My flaws are the

reason why I'm here. If I become "normal"

I'm not able to express my negative

emotions. I'm afraid of happiness, it

feels like I'm floating and I don't know

when I'll fall and get hurt again. I

know life is full of up and down but

it's hard to live with this fragile soul.

It's okay, I'll keep surviving. ^_^


When an Interest Becomes Special

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I made posts about iDOLM@STER before, but suffice it to say,

I have iDOLM@STER autism.

I know that's not iDOLM@STER but it fits...

why no one should trust me with powers

unless….????

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This is a quick post - but if i were ever to actually the kind of void powers and embodiment that I think about metaphorically on a literal level - one I would immediately be a menace to society (in an immediate to undermine and subdue a lot of these terrible structures off the bat)

and two, Black Magic - by Backxwash ft Ada Rock would be the soundtrack to me wielding that kind of power. Every time i listen to it - all my hesitations and fucks to give just .. go right out of the window in a way that I genuinely love and need.

Anime Figures are super cool

:3

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Like, you can physically see your favourite characters whenever you want and you can also hold them AND they are in 3D, BEST THINGS EVER!!!!

I know they can be expensive but I think they're usually worth the money :3

Site

And also sepsis update

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Someone remind me to get work done on my site once I'm not sick anymore because I need to update my gallery especially. After that I might open shimeji commissions... Think that'd be fun.

I went with hotglue instead of neocities in that time. I guess I'm pretty shit at figuring out relative positioning from guesses alone, so hotglue was the more solid decision for my needs. Tragically, it does not scale with monitor resolutions unless I code positioning myself. So in the end I kind of fucked myself over anyways. Oh well, I don't aim to switch at the moment, and I'm sure it's not as big of a deal as it feels. It's only a major problem on 4k resolutions, really. Speaking of, you're free to check the space out!

https://galactirabbit.hotglue.me/?Shards

Life has been a bit crazy after I ended up in the hospital for three months due to sepsis. Things have been better, but my health needless to say has definitely took a hit probably for the rest of my life. I have to stay on BP meds (beta-blockers) or else my heart starts going haywire, but sometimes the meds make me lightheaded haha. Guess the whole mess put an indefinite hold on any web creation projects.

btw

Stuck in the past

yeah……………

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Whenever I scroll through my galery or my Google Drive I see the old stuff I made for my friends at that time.

New person, same old mistakes

I am only 17 (18 in 3 months) and I know I am too young to feel like this. But remembering I don't have fun like I used to have makes me so sick. I wish I could go back and explain this to my younger-self.

Now I don't know how to feel. I feel alone. I have a bf, some cool friends... All I could ask for. I have all of it. But why? Why do I miss that old times? Why do I miss the past? I don't want to think about the past and fuck up my present. I know I will feel the same way I feel about now in the future.

scared

ooh boy

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heya people of the internet. i may or may not have ended my life. yeah so i did i thing that might absoltely slaughtered but im sure itll be fine. these kinds of things work out.

i was listening to ricky jamaraz's music and thinking about how he's a sixteen year old kid who just started making music. my family (well, my dad) is musically inclined and he wrote his own music and he's been trying to convince me to start writing my own stuff. i think it might be really fun and cool if i do actually, but i don't know how to lyrics and i don't know how to play the instruments i'd want for the song. i currently only know how to play piano and want to learn guitar and drums. my dad's been telling me he'll teach me to play guitar but idk it just because a million times harder to learn something when your father is teaching it.

yeah so maybe ill write a song and maybe ill learn guitar and maybe ill do all these cool things but not right now


bye now, i guess

uncertainty.

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the uncertainty between friend and acquaintance has bugged me all my life.

tying me to those who i knew were friends until they weren't.

feeling uncertain of those that I cared about but couldn't see really cared about me.

too nervous to explicitly ask for that kind of insistent.. knowing, awareness that i am cared about value.

leaving myself to rot internally because of .. hey, why should such feelings matters. there are so many crises after all

trying to remember that such shame isn't useful. but getting out of the shame is a struggle.

10022024

click!

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i have been struck down my the common cold yet again. i had symptoms before but i don't think the day of running arond in the rain helped much. i had to move on the train so i didn't sneeze on everyone </3.

i think i've found myself a motivation now. places to go, people to meet, things to think. it all sounds a bit cliche im aware, but having to make a journey against your will with no idea where you'll end up gets very tedious.

i love buttons. they are the pinnacle of old web graphics to me. i love old web.

i love using css and html. mark up is wonderful and the power of it is so often overlooked. it's what i enjoy so much about spacehey - not having access to the main html and js means i have to get more creative with my css. it's so rewarding, so much more so than working on my own website because of that challenge element. it is what got me into web design + dev and i will always owe it that <3

this is where i post from btw!