the world i see

short hikes, friends, wooden texture, stationery, what do you see through your eyes?

Anime Figures are super cool

:3

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Like, you can physically see your favourite characters whenever you want and you can also hold them AND they are in 3D, BEST THINGS EVER!!!!

I know they can be expensive but I think they're usually worth the money :3

Site

And also sepsis update

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Someone remind me to get work done on my site once I'm not sick anymore because I need to update my gallery especially. After that I might open shimeji commissions... Think that'd be fun.

I went with hotglue instead of neocities in that time. I guess I'm pretty shit at figuring out relative positioning from guesses alone, so hotglue was the more solid decision for my needs. Tragically, it does not scale with monitor resolutions unless I code positioning myself. So in the end I kind of fucked myself over anyways. Oh well, I don't aim to switch at the moment, and I'm sure it's not as big of a deal as it feels. It's only a major problem on 4k resolutions, really. Speaking of, you're free to check the space out!

https://galactirabbit.hotglue.me/?Shards

Life has been a bit crazy after I ended up in the hospital for three months due to sepsis. Things have been better, but my health needless to say has definitely took a hit probably for the rest of my life. I have to stay on BP meds (beta-blockers) or else my heart starts going haywire, but sometimes the meds make me lightheaded haha. Guess the whole mess put an indefinite hold on any web creation projects.

btw

Stuck in the past

yeah……………

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Whenever I scroll through my galery or my Google Drive I see the old stuff I made for my friends at that time.

New person, same old mistakes

I am only 17 (18 in 3 months) and I know I am too young to feel like this. But remembering I don't have fun like I used to have makes me so sick. I wish I could go back and explain this to my younger-self.

Now I don't know how to feel. I feel alone. I have a bf, some cool friends... All I could ask for. I have all of it. But why? Why do I miss that old times? Why do I miss the past? I don't want to think about the past and fuck up my present. I know I will feel the same way I feel about now in the future.

scared

ooh boy

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heya people of the internet. i may or may not have ended my life. yeah so i did i thing that might absoltely slaughtered but im sure itll be fine. these kinds of things work out.

i was listening to ricky jamaraz's music and thinking about how he's a sixteen year old kid who just started making music. my family (well, my dad) is musically inclined and he wrote his own music and he's been trying to convince me to start writing my own stuff. i think it might be really fun and cool if i do actually, but i don't know how to lyrics and i don't know how to play the instruments i'd want for the song. i currently only know how to play piano and want to learn guitar and drums. my dad's been telling me he'll teach me to play guitar but idk it just because a million times harder to learn something when your father is teaching it.

yeah so maybe ill write a song and maybe ill learn guitar and maybe ill do all these cool things but not right now


bye now, i guess

uncertainty.

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the uncertainty between friend and acquaintance has bugged me all my life.

tying me to those who i knew were friends until they weren't.

feeling uncertain of those that I cared about but couldn't see really cared about me.

too nervous to explicitly ask for that kind of insistent.. knowing, awareness that i am cared about value.

leaving myself to rot internally because of .. hey, why should such feelings matters. there are so many crises after all

trying to remember that such shame isn't useful. but getting out of the shame is a struggle.

10022024

click!

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i have been struck down my the common cold yet again. i had symptoms before but i don't think the day of running arond in the rain helped much. i had to move on the train so i didn't sneeze on everyone </3.

i think i've found myself a motivation now. places to go, people to meet, things to think. it all sounds a bit cliche im aware, but having to make a journey against your will with no idea where you'll end up gets very tedious.

i love buttons. they are the pinnacle of old web graphics to me. i love old web.

i love using css and html. mark up is wonderful and the power of it is so often overlooked. it's what i enjoy so much about spacehey - not having access to the main html and js means i have to get more creative with my css. it's so rewarding, so much more so than working on my own website because of that challenge element. it is what got me into web design + dev and i will always owe it that <3

this is where i post from btw!

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meowwwwwwww in 2024.

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cb

oog

2/8/24

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i don't really know how to start this but here we go. erm, today wasnt the best day ever, but it wasnt the worse, ig. i was having a pretty ok day until when i was at my locker, a kid (who i dont know that well but he's my friend's friend and sometimes he just around) shouts at me, 'youre a woman' (i am transmasc nonbinary and use they/them). i kinda sit there, and ignore him, hoping he was talking to someone else, but, no, course he wasn't. what's worse is when i turned around he was with my friend who was smiling and laughing at me. oog. doesn't really feel that good but i suck it up and just go to lunch because i am standing in the middle of a catholic school hallway with racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and probably a million other phobics and ists.

idk, im trying not to let it ruin my day, but dude i cannot wait to graduate.

uh, im almost finished with The Heartbreak Bakery, the main character is struggling and sad and its making me sad. im probably gonna make some more buttons for my bag... maybe like... QSMP or Lovejoy or Genloss buttons... that'd be nice. speaking of Generation Loss, i saw the announcement for the Founder's Cut which is coming super soon!! did anyone else see that? im super excited :D

i finished the sketches for the first four pages of my new comic, Heaven's Gate! It's not digital, and there isnt really a way for anyone to read it unless you know me irl, but maybe ill make a digital version when (if) i finish it.

i think that'll be it for now, i think ill show off some art of the Heaven's Gate characters if i feel so inclined.

see ya later, internet.

anger.

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I have carried a lot of anger with me in multiple forms over the years.

Anger at the values that only seemed to alienate me.

Anger from learning more about the structures that were only made to exploit

Anger at not reallly being heard, understood, listened to. believed. the idea of my sense of self does not outweigh what had been expected to me.

Anger at having tried to do 'right' only to flail, and feel vulnerable because of things I wasn't aware of.

Anger at information about myself being denied from me for so long.

Anger at the world, the structures - and the increasing toll that it has taken on so many people for so long. Any good that I have been able to experience, I can't forget often comes at the costs of so many others. It doesn't have to be this way, it shouldn't have to be this way - I think about that constantly.

Anger at the sense of denial of all that seems to be brewing during this time and had been brewing before I was aware of it.

Anger at the attempts to control and contain those who would try otherwise, be otherwise. do other than what was supposed of them.

I have so much anger. But I find that it often turns into grief, a deep, deep sadness. That turns back into anger, and then into frustration, despair. It makes it difficult to keep moving, to keep doing in the midst. But then I remember, I remember not having the option to stop and how.. dare I stop? I don't know.

It's a hard thing to try and process in so many ways. I am trying to relate to this anger - I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have this baseline anger constantly surging within me. But .. I can't find my way through it without giving some more space for other thoughts, or the shifting of such feelings.

It's a complicated situation. I do try to channel it into some action, some creation, some support. But .. I feel so aware of how limited my efforts are. Suppose that's why everything is ongoing, ongoing.. until it's not anymore.

May all those subjugated by this current world be free, be liberated through the actions of so many.

when a question hits.

commentary on one of several books i’m currently reading.

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It's so interesting when you encounter a question that kind of ... deeply resonates with a lot of the exploration I had been doing all this time.

To catch up, I do identify a lot of myself with a certain elusiveness, and expansiveness that can be hard to contain and deal with. There's a lot of void imagery that I deeply relate to - to the point that if someone were to refer to me as void in some ways, I would get a lot of satisfaction from it.

I don't ask many people to do that though because.. it's such a particular kind of understanding of self that I don't.. know if it it's worth trying to explain to others. they/them as the baseline will have to do for most people honestly.

But with that in mind I had been reading 'Opening to Darkness' by Zenju Eartlyn Manuel. And .. there are phrases and snippets within that - which really make me think about coming from darkness, returning to darkness after death and the notion of life in all .. that is unpredicted and uncontrollable having a darkness presence to it right there in the day to day.

And there isn't not explained as darkness as inherently bad at all - but that everyday difference, changes, shifts, maybe grounded experience in some situations.

The question that I had been sitting with lately though is

'what if we welcomed darkness as an ambiguous state of being alive?" which maybe might be an obvious statement to other people. But there's something about that question being posed that really spoke to me because I had been dealing with my own sense of deep ambivalence, ambiguity around being alive and feeling like I really can't avoid it, and I don't want to force myself to avoid it either.

So having that as a question, a question with many rooms for further questioning and doubts, and sitting and wariness. A question for room for the fact that so much of the very temporary, tenuous feelings that seem to take on new heights on a day to day basis.

It's something that I found myself really thinking about, and wanting to incorporate because it genuinely reflects some of the questions that I have been having over the past few years about what is it to be alive, to try and stay alive I guess even when .. feeling very other about the whole thing.

Like even now, especially now I feel very .. other, uncertain, indeterminate about the whole thing. But I think there might be something that comes from .. sitting with that, moving through that, moving with that at my core on purpose versus trying to get some more 'productive' understanding out of it.

Maybe there's just not one really.

Feb 2024 - Black History Month

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diary log

🖥️

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HAL

02 . 01 . 2024

i go back to work tmrw a whole week after getting written up for not doing stuff i definitely did. i love managers w small egos that take it out on employees. not my fault ur marriage sucks and u hate life bc ur middle management

idk how much longer i can keep this job

this lady nukes ur schedule over nothing

no shit im mad i hardly have hours as is. gfy

+ then asked my sib if i was "mad" abt it

cant change it tho. just gotta hope i can get help fillin shit out so i can finally get on disability or some shit






SOTD: 757 - 100 GECS

hello multiverse

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I am here, I am alive, I am sleepy, good night

I hope I feel better

tomorrow or any other day

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Here are some things I like, I guess:

Black metal in general tbh


ScrambleFood Post

Me babbling :o)

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Today I made something I will call... -------------->

I know I should probably make an about me page before just posting stuff all Silly-Billy like but I thought it might be fun to make a scramble post :)

HAPPY HUMP DAY EVERYBODY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'll be spilling the recipe for it ;)

՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞ ՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞ ՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞ RECIPE ՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞՞

I know that it's really short and sucky but... it was a quicky no recent groceries lunch that I could make easily lololol (besides I have a fear of air fryers) \("' > 0 < ) /

1. Literally just make a cup of Top Ramen lol

2.fry two eggs and put them in the ramen

3.Add some Tajín for some extra flavor

I also had it with some fruit punch which was pretty good. Fruit punch is always one of the best drinks because it can go with every meal (unless you have like, a 5 star dinner on your plate, then maybe get some water or fancy wine lolololololol)

Maybe I'll talk more about what I eat another day :0

Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! I almost forgot !!!!!! Since it's almost February I might post my favorite Valentines themed gifs and stuff. It's one of the best holidays (imo) because you can show your love to more than just your partner, friends and family are included too :o) <3 <3

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In the beginning was the word,

and the word was God,

and the word was with God.

John 1:1

---::~

--::~

--::~

Words create reality, even God himself,

who is one with the Word,

and thus Creation.

3D artists

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Jack McVeigh

subltle storytelling through glitchy pictures, eerie feel

- PS1 aesthetics

- working with a blender

- 1p of view 3D

-https://www.instagram.com/jackmcv.art/

:3

Joe Pease

it reminds me the work of Kevin McGloughlin

Hypnotic collages are made out of streets, people, and their surroundings.


- video works

- repetition

- https://www.instagram.com/joepease/

https://www.kevinmcgloughlin.com/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO9aot9RgQc

Kou Yamamoto

https://www.instagram.com/nouses_kou/

More 2024 Vision!

Swimmin and skatin

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current reads

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Settlers - JS Sakai. A lot of the things I had seen .. do have some solid historical context given this book. I have to pause after every chapter cause I get so damn annoyed at how little has actually changed on a larger level and how such tendencies tend to show up over and over again. I'm sure I'll have to check some other reviews once I'm done with it - but .. it's definitely worth examining for me.

All the Lonely People - Mike Gainz - this is genuinely a kind of moving book about a West Indian immigrant in the UK trying to make friends for the first time in years before his daughter comes to visit. There has been some pretty humorous but also poignant moments.

Out of Time - the Collected Short Stories of Samira Azzam - I've been been really enjoying her writing and the sense of personality, of context of time and place that really goes into her writing. And there's a reason sense of the connections and patterns that show up within Palestinian communities.

Creating as a process

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One thing I'm trying to do more of this year is take time to do more creative.. original kind of stuff.

I had been working my way through it part of last year starting with more digital paintings and I will continue to do that. But also incorporating collage making and original writing into my regular sense of being is probably going to be helpful to me

Because I like learning and taking in information and seeing how that applies - and talking about it with other people. And I think that's also a process that is increasingly necessary as the years go by.

But I think order to feel like me I think I have to return to this love of making stuff, genuinely. Especially when making stuff is one of the ways I claim back a sense of being that isn't reliant on .. so much that I have disdain for. Or at least potentially incorporates means of reuse and remaking and reshaping.

And that potential for remaking and transformation is absolutely needed in the midst of these systems that have been failing over and over. and seem to be really genuinely fucking up on massive scales that.. I can only wish had been intervened before.

But truly kudos to all those have fought before who fight now and will fight in the future. Because all those kind of determined efforts are going to be crucial.

setting an intention for this space

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I wasn't sure if I was going to use this place as my ... more recent spot to keep writing and documenting some of what I have been experiencing.

I think I will though.

I want to keep track of my writing, my reading. and some of my information gathering.

and i feel like this is as good a spot as any to share in a more 'personal' kind of way.

because the idea of professionalism feels insulting to me in this day and age.

i see so much of what's going on around me and I'm genuinely disgusted and filled with anger.

So much has been going on for way too long. And I am aim to do is want and seek out different, different, differently from what has been taken for granted.

Re: life and code

Inner Universe

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- how uploading a consciousness is or isnt immortality, or lengthened life span

Immortality by uploading my consciousness isn't absolute immortality.

I merely escape the limitations and bodily decay that exists as a result of my physical body made of meat, organs, skin, blood, sweat, piss and shit.

Uploading my consciousness into an object and it's existence or immortality now depends on the protection of that specific object, be it a server or a container that's powered by electricity, or anything else.

- what defines "you"? your consciousness, something else, a mixture?

- if i am not the me i was a year ago, am i the me i was a second ago?

Entropy devours everything.

This is the absolute law. Entropy can never be reversed.

A ball falls down, and needs an external lift to bring it back to it's original position.

Who I am is defined by everything that had led me to this exact moment.

I become a different person as I experience new things and I learn to see everything differently, no matter how slow the difference could be.

My memories play an important factor to define who I am, but my memories also depend on how I reconstruct my past, how well I can remember them, and how my opinions that had changed since then would influence it.

I may be a republican in the past, but I am a democrat now.

I forget important details in time, and I see that specific event in a different light.

The reason why the difference between the present me and the me from a second ago is insignificant is because I'm able to recall that me easily without forgetting any important details, and my opinions haven't changed much. The difference would be significant in case of a year.

- would you upload your consciousness? if you could?

I'd rather die lmao.

- would older people want to transfer consciousness as much as younger people?

I think younger people would want to do that more than older people, to experiment, seek thrills, and out of fear of death, aging, or being insignificant.

niceee

let’s go

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i started finally playing touhou q(≧▽≦q)

I love the music, characters design and gameplay but I must say that, game is really hard for me. I set hard level to beginner and I alredy died several times ಥ_ಥ but I'm gonna

still trying hell yeah

Yeah, I downloaded the embodiment of scarlet devil

and I understand now why people love this series so much.

The gameplay is really nice, I was kinda scared that I'm

not gonna like this (#`-_ゝ-)

Jan 2024 VISION board

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